10 Reasons To Be Drunk All The Time

Ever have that alcoholic friend you take pity on. Well. Don't. Because he's living the life and you're the stodgy old fool! Your drunk friend can be rich! He can be carefree! Everything is funny to your drunk friend. They don't care about passing out in a public park with no clothes on. Why? Because how can you feel remorse when you're drunk all the time.





10. You know how you get really drunk and you wake up the next morning and realizea you communicated all your hope, fears, insecurities and issues with other people? Usually you're like, "Dude, that was a bad idea! Why did I do that?" Well, the reason you do that is because you're not properly communicating your feelings while you're sober. And that is unhealthy. So, if you're drunk all the time you're communicating to other people! You're connecting with the rest of the human race! Good for you! Pat yourself on the back, it's good to be open with other people.

9. You stop noticing people are bad dancers. Most people are bad dancers, admit it. Have you ever walked into a club sober and went "Why are these people smashing against one another to shitty remixes of Lady GaGa songs?" Well, if you're drunk all the time- everyone is a veritable Julianne Hough (that is seriously the only dancer I could think of) and that Lady GaGa remix is off the chain, yo! Suddenly you have all the moves and so does everyone around you. Go wild!

8. Nothing is awkward anymore. That party you only know one person- totally fine. Going to your office's holiday party? Walk in the park. Calling your ex-girlfriend and yelling at her? An even better idea! You can be totally nonsensical! Who cares! You sure don't.

7. Getting out of things. Going to jury duty? When you're drunk? I don't think so. Operating machinery? That's out of the question. Putting folders in alphabetical order! Ha! Nobody who's doing something productive in the world wants anything to do with you when you're drunk all the time. So, quit your job, forget about calling your mom and start collecting that unemployment!

6. Good excuse to vomit wherever you please (or on whoever you please). When you're drunk enough people expect you to vomit. It's just a fact of life. Ever wanted to end a friendship but they just won't take a hint? Vomit on them! Or on their possesions! They probably won't punch you in the face because you're drunk and you can't help it. Most importantly, they'll definitely stop calling you to hang out.

5. Getting famous. Lots of drunk people get famous just for being drunk all the time. Why do you think Jersey Shore is such a sensation? Why does Johnny Knoxville have so much money? It's not because they're talented and charming, that's for sure. They're drunk all the time and they do stupid shit- and everybody wants to watch it on TV. Not only that, but if you get famous for being drunk all the time you also usually get free alcohol. Score!

4. You'll be really popular! Everyone loves a good party! If you're drunk all the time you'll be going to a lot of parties/bars. Socializing, flirting, etc. You'll be a magnet for the rest of the population that's drunk all the time. Maybe you can form a gang and be drunk all the time together. Nobody wants to be lonely.

3. Good excuse for bad behavior. Every town has the town drunk. Usually, people just talk a lot of shit to them but for the most part- let them do whatever they want. A conversation with someone who is drunk all the time with a respected neighborly type goes as such.
Rev. Jim Bob: Oh hey, [your name here] it's a nice night out tonight, isn't it?
You: A nice night to GET LAID. (Maybe you sway a little bit, stumble, drool a little. Usually followed by awkward silence. There are going to be a lot of awkward silences in this exchange.)
Rev. Jim Bob: Don't you have anybody expecting you, [your name here]?
You: No. (This is when they start feeling pity- which in your case, is a good thing.)
Rev. Jim Bob: You need someone to get ya home?
You: No! (Get a little beligerant, maybe take a few steps toward them? It'll scare them off.)
Rev. Jim Bob: Okay, well, listen [your name here] I gotta get home to my wife. She'll be expecting me right about now. You take care of yourself. I'll see you in Church Sunday?
You: (Always say yes, they'll always think you're trying to redeem yourself of your many sins.) Sure thing, Rev.
See! Rev Jim Bob let you do what you wanted to! He offered to help, but he didn't really want to. Nobody really wants to deal with drunk people- unless they want to sleep with them. Which most people don't! So, just steer clear of cops and you can do whatever! You just have to have a thick skin about it because there is no doubt Jim Bob went home to talk about how you're a menace to society.

2. Selective memory. Recently, I read about a Polish man taking an MRI and finding a bullet lodged in his skull. He had no idea he even got shot because he was drunk at the time and totally forgot! You can get shot with a bullet and not even remember it! Who wants to remember getting shot in the head? Nobody. You dogdged that bullet! Well, kinda.

1. Absolutely everybody is good looking. Get prepared to have a lot of sex because your standards went from a seven to a zero. How would you like to live in a world where everyone is incredibly good looking? You can. If you're drunk all the time.