10 Reasons To Be Drunk All The Time

Ever have that alcoholic friend you take pity on. Well. Don't. Because he's living the life and you're the stodgy old fool! Your drunk friend can be rich! He can be carefree! Everything is funny to your drunk friend. They don't care about passing out in a public park with no clothes on. Why? Because how can you feel remorse when you're drunk all the time.





10. You know how you get really drunk and you wake up the next morning and realizea you communicated all your hope, fears, insecurities and issues with other people? Usually you're like, "Dude, that was a bad idea! Why did I do that?" Well, the reason you do that is because you're not properly communicating your feelings while you're sober. And that is unhealthy. So, if you're drunk all the time you're communicating to other people! You're connecting with the rest of the human race! Good for you! Pat yourself on the back, it's good to be open with other people.

9. You stop noticing people are bad dancers. Most people are bad dancers, admit it. Have you ever walked into a club sober and went "Why are these people smashing against one another to shitty remixes of Lady GaGa songs?" Well, if you're drunk all the time- everyone is a veritable Julianne Hough (that is seriously the only dancer I could think of) and that Lady GaGa remix is off the chain, yo! Suddenly you have all the moves and so does everyone around you. Go wild!

8. Nothing is awkward anymore. That party you only know one person- totally fine. Going to your office's holiday party? Walk in the park. Calling your ex-girlfriend and yelling at her? An even better idea! You can be totally nonsensical! Who cares! You sure don't.

7. Getting out of things. Going to jury duty? When you're drunk? I don't think so. Operating machinery? That's out of the question. Putting folders in alphabetical order! Ha! Nobody who's doing something productive in the world wants anything to do with you when you're drunk all the time. So, quit your job, forget about calling your mom and start collecting that unemployment!

6. Good excuse to vomit wherever you please (or on whoever you please). When you're drunk enough people expect you to vomit. It's just a fact of life. Ever wanted to end a friendship but they just won't take a hint? Vomit on them! Or on their possesions! They probably won't punch you in the face because you're drunk and you can't help it. Most importantly, they'll definitely stop calling you to hang out.

5. Getting famous. Lots of drunk people get famous just for being drunk all the time. Why do you think Jersey Shore is such a sensation? Why does Johnny Knoxville have so much money? It's not because they're talented and charming, that's for sure. They're drunk all the time and they do stupid shit- and everybody wants to watch it on TV. Not only that, but if you get famous for being drunk all the time you also usually get free alcohol. Score!

4. You'll be really popular! Everyone loves a good party! If you're drunk all the time you'll be going to a lot of parties/bars. Socializing, flirting, etc. You'll be a magnet for the rest of the population that's drunk all the time. Maybe you can form a gang and be drunk all the time together. Nobody wants to be lonely.

3. Good excuse for bad behavior. Every town has the town drunk. Usually, people just talk a lot of shit to them but for the most part- let them do whatever they want. A conversation with someone who is drunk all the time with a respected neighborly type goes as such.
Rev. Jim Bob: Oh hey, [your name here] it's a nice night out tonight, isn't it?
You: A nice night to GET LAID. (Maybe you sway a little bit, stumble, drool a little. Usually followed by awkward silence. There are going to be a lot of awkward silences in this exchange.)
Rev. Jim Bob: Don't you have anybody expecting you, [your name here]?
You: No. (This is when they start feeling pity- which in your case, is a good thing.)
Rev. Jim Bob: You need someone to get ya home?
You: No! (Get a little beligerant, maybe take a few steps toward them? It'll scare them off.)
Rev. Jim Bob: Okay, well, listen [your name here] I gotta get home to my wife. She'll be expecting me right about now. You take care of yourself. I'll see you in Church Sunday?
You: (Always say yes, they'll always think you're trying to redeem yourself of your many sins.) Sure thing, Rev.
See! Rev Jim Bob let you do what you wanted to! He offered to help, but he didn't really want to. Nobody really wants to deal with drunk people- unless they want to sleep with them. Which most people don't! So, just steer clear of cops and you can do whatever! You just have to have a thick skin about it because there is no doubt Jim Bob went home to talk about how you're a menace to society.

2. Selective memory. Recently, I read about a Polish man taking an MRI and finding a bullet lodged in his skull. He had no idea he even got shot because he was drunk at the time and totally forgot! You can get shot with a bullet and not even remember it! Who wants to remember getting shot in the head? Nobody. You dogdged that bullet! Well, kinda.

1. Absolutely everybody is good looking. Get prepared to have a lot of sex because your standards went from a seven to a zero. How would you like to live in a world where everyone is incredibly good looking? You can. If you're drunk all the time.

CUT IT OUT, GOOGLE.

Yeah! I'm talking to you, you self-proclaimed "not evil" multi-billion dollar corporation! I've had enough of your bullshit for one lifetime and it's only been like ten years or something. If I don't get to sleep with your founders through some long con operation (I'll sleep with Mark Zuckerberg instead thank you very much.) then nothing is worth this.

I know that Google can kill me if they felt like it. They have all my searches and all my blogs-posted logged onto a computer in Northern California and I know they have the resources to kill me if they wanted to. Google could kill you if they wanted to as well. Becuase Google has a lot of money and even more influence. But that's not what I want to talk about today.

I would like to preface with the reasons I'm okay with Google. Yes, I use Google's products. Just like Russians in Stalinist Era USSR would buy party approved bread. Out of what's out there (not much) it's the best there is. I would also like to talk about my love/hate relationship with Google Maps. Yes, I hate it when people can see where I live- but I also love seeing where they live. So, these things- Gmail, Google Voice and Google Maps. They're whatever- but we're here to talk about something else. That Google is an evil corporation that wants to exhume your grandmothers body and sell her priceless ruby ring in order to buy the internet.

That's right, people, network neutrality. Do you not know what that is? Well, join the club. From what I gather from Wikipedia and the signs of pathetic looking protesters at Google's evil lair- Network Neutrality is when you can surf the internet and everything comes at you at the same speed. Every website is on the same playing field whether that be Amazon or my Uncle Steve's website on the history of the VCR. This sounds pretty cool, right? Equality for everyone, blah blah blah- it's super American. Opponents of network neutrality want to dissolve all that and begin charging people more to see certain websites faster. For example, Uncle Steve's VCR website would run slower than Amazon because Amazon pays more money to your internet provider. And, your internet provider is charging you more money. Basically, it's evil corporations making the internet into an oligarchy run by Google, Amazon, etc. It also eliminates any sort of equality of the press situation. It wouldn't be fair if the Huffington Post loaded faster than Fox News, now would it? Same with the converse.

So, it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Lets think of it this way- you know how Freakazoid was the protector of the internet and made sure all internet villains weren't off reeking havoc/bumming everyone out? Well, Google and Verizon want the FCC to execute Freakazoid. This is a very, very cursory explanation of network neutrality and I suggest doing some research on your own because it's a lot of complicated computer jargon. I wouldn't be surprised if it's this complicated to trick the general public.

Google and Verizon just signed a pact to pretty much take down network neutrality. They want to split the internet into two seperate networks: wireless and landline and THEN impose different rules on them which basically means they can block whatever sites they see fit. It's pretty much against Google's entire "Don't be evil" credo.

I want the internet to be an equal place where all my rants can be followed by whomever at the same speed as Amazon loads. I don't want to be charged extra for every little thing and I don't want Google telling me what I can and can't look at. The internet is fine the way it is- it doesn't need a couple douchey billionaires policing it. So, please, Google, cut it out- you make enough money already without fucking with the entirety of the internet.

This is not something I know much about, admittedly, but it is something that really worries me. And it should worry you too, three person readership. So, go sign some internet petition somewhere- but make sure it's legit, it could really be an anti Ground Zero Mosque petition in disguise, which would make you a douche. Even worse, it could be the government! Oh no! You hate putting your name on government lists? Me too! It could be the Census! No! So, make sure it's for network neutrality and do your best to make sure you don't have to pay more outrageous internet fees than you have to.

How Blink-182 Made Me The Person I Am Today

True story. You were twelve once too. You listened to Blink-182. The question is- did you know that by listening to Blink-182 you were about to change your life forever? Probably not. On the outside Blink-182 looks like two immature dudes who know about three chords on the guitar, one weirdly enough kinda awesome drummer, and a bunch of poop jokes- but on the inside, they're really wise, wise men with incredible insight. If I hadn't listened to Blink-182 I wouldn't have formed healthy habits as an adult and simply descended into madness. To prove my point I am going to embark on a close reading of some Blink-182 lyrics.

1. "The Party Song" is the sordid tale of a bro who goes to a party and it's super lame. There are keg stands (lame), dudes with no game (lame), ugly girls (lame!) and a ska band (really, really lame). The young man regrets his choice to go to this party, he then falls to his knees and cries out to the heavens:

"I wish I would have stayed
In my bed back at home watching TV alone
Where I'd put on some porn or have sex on the phone
Far from people I hate down from anywhere state
Trying to intoxicate girls to give them head after the party"

But then he sees a young woman from across the party. This young woman is beautiful, she has long blonde hair, green eyes and no underwear which at the time (1999) was the epitome of class and elegance. The young man was drawn to her. He approaches her and engages her in small talk. At first everything is great, maybe they would hold hands and watch the sunrise (because that's obviously what this young man was planning) but then- in a sudden realization shone down on him like a beam of sunlight from an angel- this girl was lame too!:

"She wasn't wearing underwear at least I prayed that
She might be the one, maybe we'd have some fun
Maybe we'd watch the sun rise
But that night I learned some girls try too hard."

The young man's depiction of the sunrise depicts his hopes of the future but his knowledge that inevitably the sunrise would end which is a metaphor that we're all going to die. But that's besides the point- the point is that this girl "tried to hard." What does that mean, you ask? Well, I'll leave that one to our old pals Blink-182 to tell you.

I couldn't believe what this lady was saying
The names she was dropping, the games she was playing
She dated this guy who now rides for Black Flys
How she's down with the 'wise well-constructed disguise'
Now I'd rather go dateless than stay here and hate this
Her volume of makeup her fake tits were tasteless

I don't know who the "Black Flys" are. I don't think they exist but are a clever pseduanym for particularly douchey rock group, The Black Crowes. To emphasize just how douchey this band is I will include this picture as evidence:
You see? Douchey. So now our hero is stuck talking with this classless, self-absorbed wench at a lame party. You know what's the worst thing about this woman? Not her classlessness, it's the fact that she deceived him. She deceived him. He thought she was going to be an intriguing, beautiful young woman- but she was just a liar, cheat and tasteless. She "tried to hard" as it was. So what does he do? Nothing. He listens to her talk and simply meditates on all this. He learns from this experience, he grows from it. He becomes a new man. He knows his tale is a cautionary one so he spreads the word to the young masses so they don't become victims of girls who try too hard as well.

How did I learn from this and countless other Blink-182 songs. I learned not to go to parties and say I slept with members of The Black Crowes. That is a secret I will take with me to my grave. I, as a woman, leanred not to "try too hard." This song teaches proper party ettiquete. Without hearing this song, I may have gone to a party and come off as a trashy whore. But instead, I come off as awesome. Blink-182 is also a friend when you have none. Popular tune "Damnit" is a beautiful haven when you have none during painful break-ups. "A New Hope" and "Happy Holidays, You Bastard" provide me with laughs and incredible joy. I am never alone with Blink-182. Thank you, Blink-182, thank you so much- you made me into the person I am today.

NYU: Loving the Machine

I'm about to enter my Junior year at NYU. Seeing as my undergraduate education is half over, I have accumulated a few (not many) thoughts on my esteemed university. Almost every student at NYU realizes they're going to what is basically a McDonalds under the guise of a well thought-of university. Sometimes it feels like NYU cares more about about they're inevitable dastardly takeover of every building south of 14th Street or taking your 50 thousand dollars. Sometimes, it feels like it's not about academia, it's just about purchasing the entirety of Governors Island- not that I'm complaining, we have to put the Engineering students somewhere and it's definitely not going to be in downtown Manhattan. Think of our cool level! It would plummet! And basically, that's what NYU is all about- cool level.

1. One great thing about NYU is the lack of hippie douchebags.*** Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had gone to an Amherst, or a Binghamton (omg Brett Easton Ellis = total alumni), or a Reed, or a ClarkU. A place where a bunch of people read important books and discuss them in a circle at some idyllic field under a sycamore tree quoting Balzac and Faulkner. That sounds kind of awesome though, right? Wrong. If I had to listen to some self-important asshole talk about how Hemingway changed their life I would have to punch them in the face. And think of how many people would do that! Everyone. I can't just go around punching everyone in the face all the time! There is something about hippie douchebags and loving these middle-aged white men ramble on about how drunk they are and how pathetic their lives are. Whatever, motherfucker. "Oh wow even though I have a bitchen' house and lots of money, life sucks because I can't bang this one chick boohoo" (The Great Gatsby) "Dude, Neal Cassidy isn't that much cooler than me. I'm cool too! Look, he's cheating on his wife! Not cool, right! Dude. I wanna bang her now. I mean that's not that bad, right. I mean, right?" (Every Jack Kerouac book ever.) "I am sooooOoOOOOOOooOoooOOOO drubk, how did I get here and why is this turban wrapped around my head omgggggzzzzz" (Bukowski) It just gets old. What about all the African literature, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is the shit! Or Haruki Murakami- also the shit! Or Malcolm Gladwell, nonfiction is cool too! Lets not relegate our lives to the cadre of ruling drunk white men. Oh, I can appreciate Faulkner, Bukowski, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Kerouac, David Foster Wallace, etc etc the list goes on forever. In fact, some of those drunk white dudes wrote my favorite books. I definitely think that those men changed American literature for years to come. I understand that, I respect that, but that doesn't change that I don't give a shit about how many drugs Jack Kerouac was on.

2. There are benefits of belonging to an institution that owns half of lower Manhattan and the greatest of which is this one- nap spots. NYU has a plethora of awesome nap spots. Almost every single building has a lobby with dozens of comfortable couches. In the summer they're air-conditioned, in the winter they're heated (the buildings, not the couches, THOUGH I WISH.) and at all hours of the day you can curl up for the best nap of your life. And it will be the best nap of your life. Have you ever fallen asleep while everyone else is doing important academic work? If you haven't, you should, it's the most rewarding feeling you may ever feel in an NYU building. I would like to add it's really easy to steal from the dining halls. Like, ridiculously easy. So when you lie down on that ridiculously nice sofa with a nice Diet Pepsi and a Crumbs cupcake, you can know you've taken .00005 % of your tuition back.

3. Sometimes the machine is good. Yes. I said it. But hear me out. NYU is a corporate machine that churns out the money-grabbers of tomorrow. This is true. Tisch is not about being better at your specific brand of art- it's about learning how to make money off it. You know what? I like money. I like it a lot. I don't mind being churned into someone with the ability to make money doing something I actually like. It's much better than being churned into a dude who, yes, knows everything about Proust, but also lives on some dude's roof, drinking 40s and writing really shitty poetry. It's also much better than being this dude I know named Azel who just blows ketamine all day and talks about the bougiosie and the rise of the working class as if he's an actual member of the proletariat. Dear Azel, you have to have a job to be a member of the proletariat.






So, as you can see, the machine isn't always bad. Sometimes it provides nice couches and free food. There will always be a level of bullshit. That's a given. But, hey, at least you're cool. So, all in all: sometimes, my friends, just sometimes there is such thing as a free lunch.

***I would like to omit the Kanbar Institute of Film and Television from the list of NYU schools without hippie douchebags. That department is full of douchebags. If you want further proof I'll send you some guy's personal essay I had to read in freshman english about how Quinten Tarantino changed this dude's world.

Give George W Bush a Break Already

I found some alarming pictures as I browsed Google Images today. I was sitting at home, watching 90210 today, when I suddenly thought: Where is George W Bush now? Then that led to a thought process of, I wonder how much that guy aged in the eight years he was president. I mean, obviously eight years, but how much does he look like he's aged? Being criticized and made fun of constantly for a solid eight years takes it's toll. So you take that, coupled with the fact that he doesn't drink, if we all do the math, W has aged well over 1,000 years in the past 10 years.

George Bush has spent almost eight years of his life being ridiculed. While I am all for making money and afterward rolling in ze dough, I have trouble accepting Bushism books, books solely made up of stupid things George W Bush said one time. The guy isn't the sharpest tool in the tool box but it's not like we've never had a stupid president before. A recent poll stated that 51% of Americans (i.e undecided voters on the generic national ballot) think that the state of the economy is George W Bush's fault. 27% think it's Obama's fault. This is probably the most irrelevant poll ever taken. Was this poll taken by Obama's mother before handing it to him and saying "See, Barack! People like you! They really like you!" The fact that manpower and time was devoted to making this poll baffles me. You want to know why, because believe it or not, W's not president anymore. So stop talking about it!

George W Bush doesn't eat kittens! He doesn't! That's the worst thing you could possibly say about somebody. Kittens are cute, goddamnit. Don't use them as fodder for your political agendas. W wasn't a great president. We're in a stupid war (which Obama hasn't gotten us out. You may remember he said he would and hasn't yet.) We're in an even worse recession and don't get me started on the Patriot Act or the "there are nuclear warheads in Iraq" fiasco. It wasn't a stellar eight years for America. But to blame one person for all of that, I'm pretty sure that's called not accepting responsibility. So dear America, whether you be merely a registered voter or a congresman- find a new scapegoat already. It's been two years. Even if it is his fault, (it's probably Dick Cheney's but nowadays his heart doesn't beat without an iPod strapped to it, so you don't have to worry about him doing anything particularly diabolical this week.) it's over. Done. Woulda, shoulda, coulda. So, in the only piece of political writing I will ever do that doesn't have to do with Spencer Pratt has to do with this: Get over it, America. It sucked. It's over. It's just like when Bob Dylan was Christian and doing a lot of gospel music. He's not anymore. George W isn't president. So, please, let's get back to fixing things and doing less complaining.

Also. In case you wondered. This is what W is doing right now:
That's right. In Haiti, giving money to Haitians. Givin' aid and relief and whatnot to Earthquake ravaged Haiti. They have no infrastructure there anymore, you might have heard? And you know who he's with? With Bill Clinton. Who is the most awesome of the presidents. So, that kind of cancels out W's suckage. For now at least.

Deepwater Horizon: England's Boston Tea Party

For people who have been under a rock for the past few months or, more likely, don't care about any news that doesn't have anything to do with Lindsay Lohan (She's sober!) or Mel Gibson (He's not.) The oil well, Deepwater Horizon, exploded in the Gulf of Mexico in April. Consequently, millions upon millions gallons of oil leaked into the ocean. I know what your first reaction is, "The middle of the ocean? Who cares." but I have gained super-secret insider information. The owner of said oil well none other than British Petroleum (BP) and do you know what that means? Yep. They want America back. Well, guess what, you redcoat douchebags, you can't have it.

It's well known that the British never really got over the Revolutionary War. I mean, they discovered America. They named all the cities. New York? Well, old York is in England- and since old York is in England then New York belongs to them. It's only logical. At first everything was great. The Indians weren't a problem anymore which meant corn and tobacco for everyone. Corn, a new-fangled 1600s fad on par with modern day Ugg boots and those stupid Livestrong bracelets, was sweeping the globe. British was raking in the dough and doing some mad taxation without representation. The Colonies were a cash cow and everything was awesome.
Until a couple American assholes decided they wanted rights and drafted a Decleration of Independence. Boring. Lame. Stupid. The British army would just crush them, right? Wrong. America got France to help them and finally the British army in the colonies was done away with. France. You always think they're on your side until they aren't anymore.

It's still whatever. British comes back for Round 2: The War of 1812, but it turns out that not only was the British Army crushed AGAIN but the stupid Americans wrote a stupid national anthem that- in so many words- called the British a bunch of sissies. So, Britian retreated back to Europe (where they belong) and recited poetry or whatever they were do over there, biding their time until 2010.

So, the stage is set, it's April 2010. It's been roughly two hundred years since the British were humiliated in the War of 1812. Mostly everyone has forgotten about it. Now the British and the Americans get along fairly well, whenever there's an American war the British will help out- for a little bit at least. Everything is going swimmingly, right? Yeah. That's what America thinks.

BP, a dummy corporation created by five British loyalists who yearn for a return of the old Empire, makes it's move. BP oil well, Deepwater Horizon, explodes due to a "a geyser of seawater erupted from th marine riser onto the rig, shooting 240 ft (73 m) into the air. This was soon followed by the eruption of a slushy combination of mud, methane gas, and water. The gas component of the slushy material quickly transitioned into a fully gaseous state and then ignited into a series of explosions and then a firestorm." A geyser of seawater? Nice explanation, BP, you really expect us to believe that? This is obviously an attack on America. You put your oil well in OUR gulf, off OUR shore, and then it explodes? Sounds awfully fishy, British Petroleum. If that's your real name.

You may say, "Why would BP want to do this, they're losing hundreds of billions of dollars by exploding this oil well." Well, hundreds of millions of dollars is a small price to pay for dignity. You may also say, which you have said again and again in the past "It's in the middle of the ocean!"

The middle of the ocean, huh, let me remind you of something that America did to England back in 1773. America dumped 342 chests of tea into the "middle of the ocean." You may remember from US History class that this event was called the Boston Tea Party, and that it was executed because of the high tea tax England imposed on America. Well, this is England's Boston Tea Party. To England, tea is like gold. Tea is like petroleum. Tea is sacrosanct, it's above holy water in the holy scale of liquids. The minute those chests hit that harbor, it was all out war for the rest of time. Yeah, it's been a while, England, but this is truly a clever attack.

Question? How does the blue-collar American worker fill up his Ford F-150 every morning to go to work at the hog farm/factory/etc? That's right, oil. You know where 643 quadrillion gallons of that oil is. The shores of Galveston. Covering a sea turtle. Destroying the marsh lands. Making it, like, really hard to swim on the coast of Alabama. Lowering property values along the Florida shore. This is all out war here, the British want revenge for making them look like sissies and destroying their tea. They are hungry for someone's head on a spike atop the Deepwater Horizon. Who's head will that be? The metaphorical head of this beautiful beast we call America? Barack Obama has been stern with the mega corporation but he doesn't understand the true danger we Americans are really in. We have to fight back! Yes, the British plugged the leak, but it took them ninety days. Ninety days to figure out "Hey maybe if we plug this hole it will stop leaking. Good idea, bros!" Yeah, sounds like a clever ruse to me. They want to look innocent, they want to fight this war covertly. They want to grow in leaps and bounds before they can claim what was once theirs. 61 billion dollars means nothing next to a new, reimagined Empire. The British are back, and they're ready to tango.

Help fight this terrible, terrible country who is %100 ready to bum everyone out.

Do Not Legalize Weed: Get A Real Cause

Because then it will be more boring? Because the government fucks everything up? Because if cigarettes are 11 dollars a pack in NYC, how much do you think weed will cost? That is just the tip of the Don't-Legalize-Weed iceberg. You've heard all the reasons we should legalize weed- usually spouted to you by a pantless, grungy hippie on St. Marks Pl. Those reasons usually start with "Dude, it's good for you!" or "Cops, bro." Perhaps you've seen on a college campus/University of Phoenix website forum/etc. an organization called "Students for Sensible Drug Policy." Well, students, you're wasting your time.

1. How do you expect me to smoke weed when it's legal? You realize how boring it is doing things you're allowed to do? How many people would Molotov Cocktail a building if it was just allowed? Not many, because what's the point? If people could go cocktailing buildings left and right the message of cocktailing a building would be lost. Plus, everything would be on fire and we Americans don't want to be like Russia. Part of the allure of marijuana is that it's a taboo. If you don't have to hop in some sketchy 1993 Nissan Altima to get a dime bag then you don't deserve a dimebag at all.

2. I live in New York City and am constantly surrounded by smokers. If anybody ever wants to bum a cigarette people on the street either A.) ignore you B.) say no in a particularly bitchy fashion or C.) Ask you for money. Want to know why this is? Because cigarettes are eleven dollars a pack. If regular tobacco- grade A rat poison filled tobacco- is eleven dollars a pack how much do you think those fancy-smancy weed cigarettes would be? Real fucking expensive that's how much. By the way, Marlboro, 420 brand? You are soOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo clever, Marlboro. Right now, because marijuana is dealt in the black market where it can't be outrageously taxed by the government (and that's the only thing that would make legalized marijuana possible, the ability to outrageously tax it.) it ranges from dirt cheap (West Coast, any place with a border to Mexico) to relatively inexpensive (New York City, East Coast, etc.) and that is a status quo that should remain in place.

3. Cops. Little known fact about cops. When you break the law and then they catch you, they're going to arrest you. It's their job. They get paid to do that. So, you there with the possession case looming over your head, it's not because the cop is an asshole- it's because you're a dumbass. So, how about instead of lobbying for legalization and thinning your wallets as well as your dignity- maybe you should think about not smoking weed in that high school parking lot at 10:45 in the morning. Just go home. Please.

4. Want to know something? There is other vitally important shit in the world. Crackheads are dying on the streets. AIDS is a pandemic. 130,000 people lost their jobs in the month of July 2010. Russia is on fire. Women are getting stoned to death in Iran after receiving an unfair trial. Eight people a day die in Cape Town, South Africa. Lindsay Lohan went to prison for thirteen days. Pakistan is basically underwater with floods affecting 14 million people. Romania is printing anti-Semitic currency. If we want to even talk about drugs, the Rockefeller Laws can put a person in prison for thirty years for being caught with a tiny amount of heroin just once. All this shit is going on all over the world and all you can care about is whether you can smoke a joint on the street in peace or picking up your favorite Marlboro 420s. Spare me.

Don't get me wrong, marijuana is harmless. I don't mind it. Go ahead, call up your weed delivery service, go home and talk about how the police force on cops are like "total dickwads." I'll join you. But, how about we talk about something else for once?

Why Spencer Pratt Should Be President

"I eat solar flares for breakfast and poop lightning." - Spencer Pratt

I mean Barack Obama is great and all but come on, guys. How can he be President when there is a Spencer Pratt in the world?

If you don't know who Spencer Pratt is, which I highly doubt because Spencer Pratt is the most famous man on Earth (he gives Nelson Mandela a run for his money), Pratt is a reality TV superstar most famous for his stint as Heidi Montag's boyfriend and sometimes husband on MTV's smash hit (and award winning documentary) The Hills.

Aside from Hollywood fame though, Pratt is really a genius. He understands the needs of a first-world country like America in the twenty-first century. Currently Pratt is traveling from coast to coast to get a real feel for the hardworking blue-collar workers that make this country the most awesome place on Earth. Most of his trip has been spent doing charity (Just the other day he sent recently and wrongfully incarcerated Nicole "Snooki"Polizzi a jar of pickles and a $100 shirt that says "I love Snooki") but some of his trip has been spent doing important evaluations of American institutions. For example, on August 2, 2010 he tweeted "Just visited AREA 51. Frankly, wasn't that impressed." The US Army understands that Pratt needs to weigh in on national security so they gave him complete clearance to megasecret army base Area 51. Pratt was obviously not pleased with the level of diligence, innovation and security at the base and what's more, he shared that with us! The American People! When was the last time the government told us anything about what goes on in the world? Never! Not to mention anything that has to do with aliens! That shit has been under wraps. You see, when Spencer becomes president he's going to be open with us. Just as open to us about the state of affairs in our dear country as he was to Heidi about his feelings on LC.

Pratt is also somewhat of a daredevil. What do we look for in a president? Intelligence, charm, descisivness. Well, yeah, but what do we look for most? Courage. We want someone who will stand up for us, someone who would give their lives for us. Spencer is that man. Recently he spent a week long stint in shark infested waters. When asked why he would endanger himself in such a way by media outlets like CNN and Reuters he simply stated "I am going to try living underwater for the rest of the day." He is obviously conducting experiments to improve strategies for naval warfare to enhance national security. He did no complaining, he was not afraid. When asked of his experience he responded "DO NOT FORGET THE 3 DIMENSIONAL ASPECTS OF THE BATTLEFIELDS." Pentagon officials were astounded by this wisdom and immediately began revising the Afghani war stratagem.

As for Heidi Montag, their marriage was simply a tool for Pratt to expose himself to the world. Spencer knew he needed to be heard and courting Montag was simply the only way to do it. You may say his marriage is a sham, and if he lies to us about that what is to stop him from perjuring during his eight years of presidency? That's not true, Spencer loved Montag very much. It's just Montag was too vapid a young woman to understand his political ambitions. Pratt has stated many times that while he loves her, her predisposition to "hike and hang out and be calmer" coupled with her love for puppies is infringing on his selfless quest for world peace. Pratt needs to be heard! And he needs a First Lady who will stand by him 100%. Heidi Montag is not that woman. So, you see, they had to get divorced. It was the only way for Pratt to fully commit to the American people.

So, you see, Spencer Pratt has to be President. It's the only way we can continue on as a country. The great US of A will most certainly collapse if not under his guidance. If you still don't believe me, listen to this- It's a little known fact but before Pratt's appearance on the scene he spent seven years studying with Tibetan monks. That's right. The Dalai Lama. One of his favorite quotes is something he took away from his time with the Dalai Lama is this: "I live the YING and the YANG!" Yes, Spencer Pratt, you do. And through your experiences, from The Hills to the Himalayas- I know with all my heart that you are the right man for commander in cheif. Spencer Pratt for President 2012



For more information on Spencer Pratt:
Spencer's Website
Spencer's Twitter
Spencer's Myspace

I'm Sick of this Obesity Problem

That's right people. America has an obesity problem. I don't have any statistics on hand and when I went to go look for them I got bored so I'm just going to make some up- 77% of Americans are overweight. Wanna know another one? 100% of Americans are awesome. That's right. Everybody wants to move to America, that's why we have millions of Mexicans stuffing themselves into cargo holds in Wal-Mart trucks. Because they want to be here too. Because America is awesome. Yes, we're obese. But that doesn't mean we're not happy. I'm going to address some of the fat people haters in the world. Which is on par with hating black people- also a fact.









1.
I'm sick of magazines like America Diet Today and Anorexia Weekly spewing articles like "Combat Fat by Eating Almonds!" or "Is Summer Grilling Harming Your Health." IS SUMMER GRILLING HARMING MY HEALTH? ARE YOU SERIOUS? The point is, if you want to be skinny, be skinny, but almonds will not engage in the Battle of Normandy with your fat cells.

2.
Today I came across a blog written by a really angry vegan condemning people for getting free burgers from Whataburger as part of their 60th anniversary promotion. One particularly condescending passage is as follows:

"For example, say you decided on a BBQ Cheddar Burger for your “free” meal, that bad boy contains 1050 calories—good God have mercy, 560 calories from fat, 170 mg of cholesterol and 2017 mg sodium. Somebody hook these poor customers up with a free blood pressure, cholesterol and heart stress test."

Last time I heard, America is a free country, and if I choose to eat a BBQ Cheddar Burger than I am going to damn well do it. Not only that but I'm going to kidnap the dude who wrote that blog from his home, handcuff him to a Whataburger table and make him watch me eat every last bit of that delicious but also satisfying slice of Heaven. And it will be awesome. Because food is awesome. I don't know when the world started getting off on not eating but it's the saddest thing that has ever happened to this country. I even know skinny people who want to bulk up and I tell them "The only way you're going to do it is if you eat red meat" and then they just buy an overpriced glorified protein shake mix and drink eight glasses a day despite how utterly disgusting it is.

That's another thing. How do people like the author of thisdishisvegetarian.com get off on condemning people for eating free food. That vegan Whole Foods crap is at least twice the price of normal food. These are hard times we've fallen on, you can't just turn down a free meal because it has a few ingredients you can't pronounce. That's just how the world works. Food has weird chemicals in it, it's not like it's a secret. Get over it.

3.

Fat kids are awesome. You think this kid is unhappy? No. He's the happiest kid in the world.
























Obesity is only a problem because it's a goto word to make insecure skinny people feel better about themselves. The fat people didn't do anything to anybody. Yeah, being healthy is important, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. So leave fat people alone, okay? If it makes people happy to be fat than so be it. Fat is not a bad word. This culture of Self Magazine whatthefuck has created more trouble than it's worth. You know what. I'm going to eat my Big Mac Value Meal and I'm going to be proud of it. Continue having your protein shakes and five dollar vegan imitation egg beaters. I don't give a fuck, and you shouldn't either.

Russia: Go Back to Being Communist Already

Russia, I think the time has finally come. It's not like you don't want to. We all have seen the polls- a majority of Russians just want to go back to the time when Brehznev was the leader of Russia and everyone basically chilled all day. There was a cradle to grave welfare state, nobody really had to go to work. Pretty much, everybody sat around and hung out and collected paychecks from the state. Yeah, you couldn't really criticize the government or they'd send you and your entire family to Siberia. But who even wanted to criticize the government? Everyone was just chilling all the time! Hell, even Brezhnev fell asleep during his own speeches. Everything was far from well, but at least everything wasn't on fire.

You wanna know how things are now?

Yep. Everything is on fire. Temperatures in Southern Russia reached 104 this weekend. I don't understand why this is such a big deal because this is the five-day forecast in my native Dallas, Texas:


But apparently in Russia this freak weather along with the toxic combination of trees, forests and grass ends in everything being on fire. Emergency officials, though, also would like to point out to Russians that it is also mostly their fault for these devastating fires that make Russia a literal hell on Earth:

"Emergency officials say the heat and drought are the main causes of the fires, but they also blame human carelessness, and urged people to use extreme caution when walking or driving in the woods or countryside." - BBC

If you don't believe me when I say that everything is on fire then you should probably watch this video of two Russian men driving through the countryside to have a leisurely picnic:



Yeah, that's some shit right there. You'll notice the complete LACK of emergency aid. Like policemen who might be telling motorists to maybe not drive into the fiery inferno or any sort of paramedics who might be making sure people aren't dying or something? Where are those people? Is that too much to ask for when your country is on fire?

Anyway, this has nothing to do with the title of this blog which is an urge to the Russian government to just go back to being communist already.

In the past few weeks I have been reading articles about the corruption in the police force. A whistleblower policemen posted a video on youtube (I don't understand this influx of Russian YouTube videos. I guess Russia just found out what YouTube is.) about how basically every policeman accepted bribes and if you didn't you couldn't support yourself. On top of that, at the end of the day you even had to kick some of your bribe money over to a higher official. Okay. When your police force is running like the Soprano family it may be time to make some changes. After this upstanding citizen posted this video he was promptly fired and then incarcerated for six weeks.

My point is, Russia, if you're going to act like you're Communist, you may as well be Communist. Ever since 1990 when Communism collapsed the country has been in constant economic crises. Either you try to privitze way too quickly (You can't just go "I guess we'll be capitalist today" and be Capitalist. Although this isn't really Russia's fault, they listened to a bunch of stupid American economists who said this was the best idea and then when it turned out to be a disaster just kind of peaced out back to cozy Washington.) and basically everyone loses their jobs except for like six really, really rich dudes. Or you stop updating every single one of your factories because there isn't enough money. Or you elected a drunken lunatic as your president, who when threatened with absolutely anything just surrounds the Kremlin with tanks.

I keep saying "you, you, you" but I'm not blaming the Russian people for this. This is just how things happen, the luck of the draw, if you will. Russia has just had some bad luck, and also a bunch of idiots who perpetuate that bad luck with their stupid ideas.

So, perhaps Russia should go back to being Communist already. Yes, everyone Stalin is evil. Some leaders are just evil and it sucks. Nobody wants another Stalin in Russia. Or maybe there needs to be less alcoholism and corruption. I don't know- I'm no political strategist. But maybe something else, somebody else, that might be able to save this on-fire ramshackle corrupt country, is available, and it certainly isn't Putin.

I mean, if Russia was Communist again... Well, if they were Communist again I probably wouldn't be reading this post because nobody would have any idea this is even going on.

If you don't care about any of this, which you very well may not because none of the people reading this blog actually live in Russia, check out Mededev's twitter where he sometimes talks about the fire fighting effort but mostly just talks about how "Streetball is a fast-moving and exciting game." Russian Kremlin Twitter