Why Texas Is The Best State On Earth

1. Rick Perry, contrary to popular belief, is not the only resident of Texas. Nor is George W. Bush the only resident in Texas. Yes. Rich white people who have no compassion for the poor and hate minorities exist. They live in Texas. Bigoted politicians also live in Texas. Those people also live everywhere. To blame a state of 25 million people for the actions of a handful of people is absolutely ridiculous. Do you ever go "California. EH. They have nice beaches, but y'know- Richard Nixon" or "Boy, I love Maryland but JOHN WILKES BOOTH MURDERED THE PRESIDENT!!!!!" No. Nobody says that. Because basing the livability of a state off a few infamous people who happened to be born there is stupid. On the other hand, if you are going to take that stance, here's a fun list:
People from Texas:

1. Academy Award winning actor Chris Cooper
2. Country singer Willie Nelson (who owns a gas station in Carl's Corner, TX because he likes Texas so much.)
   
3. John Archibald, a physicist known for coining the term "black hole," Michael Stuart Brown, who won a Nobel Prize for helping develop drugs that lower cholesterol and extend people's lives that 16 million Americans use, at LEAST four other Nobel Prize winners.
4. Edward White- first American astronaut to walk in space.
5. Wiley Post- first person to fly solo around the world.
6. DAVEY CROCKETT

I don't know about you but that's impressive. Sure we have our share of Branch Davidians and Billy the Kid's (the latter is pretty awesome you can't deny it.) But so does everyone, you can make a claim that Texas sucks but don't give me Rick Perry as some sort of all-encompassing example.

2. Texas has awesome food. Men's Health ranked Corpus Christi, TX as the fattest city in America. El Paso and Dallas are 3 and 4 respectively. Houston and San Antonio are also in the top ten. Putting health issues aside for one moment- how do you think these people got so fat? It's because Texas has damn good food. First: Mexicans. Tex-Mex is awesome. Enchiladas. Chimichangas. Refried Beans. Food of this kind is unrivaled (Fuck you, California. Fuck you and your Huevos Rancheros.) anywhere else in the States. Second: BBQ. Texas has four separate styles of barbecuing. FOUR in one state. Also, the Texas philosophy for good barbecue is "you can never have enough beef" which is so American it hurts. Mesquite grilled ribs drizzled in honey-barbecue sauce. UNRIVALED. Third: Whataburger. One word: Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit.
Finally, this is a restaurant in Austin:
To have the freedom to put chicken fingers AND mozzarella sticks on your sandwich is a testament to the versatility of Texas.

3. Beer. I don't know if you've had Shiner Bock but it's excellent. It was started in 1909 by German immigrant Kosmas Spoetzl who worked for nine years in Egypt making beer at the PYRAMIDS. No joke. Also: I went to a bar last night. $3.75 for a double Gin & Tonic.

4. There's a family owned waterpark called Schlitterbahn which is spring fed by the Guadelupe River. No chlorine. So awesome. In fact, Texas has lots of beautiful rivers that are great for canoeing and other water sports. I canoed a 30 mile stretch of the Rio Grande once. The water is brown but it's beautiful.
5. We have deserts, and mountains, and cities, AND beaches. Suck it.

6. Yes, there are Republicans and stupid conservatives. However, I'm a 21 year-old female and I didn't go to school with any of those people. I didn't know any of those people and I lived in Highland Park for a short while- where the median family income is $150,ooo and where this shit happens. Even there young people are pretty liberal. Very few young people are conservative, bigoted or racist. So, while there's a conservative generation ahead of us, they won't be around forever.

7. Fuck your debt ceiling bullshit, the Texan economy is basically unaffected. Everything is awesome here. The gross state product is the second highest in the country. The median household income is only $50,000 but guess what- it's still pretty good because the cost of living is so damn cheap. Whether it's because of oil or the overwhelming swell of immigrants from Mexico- demand in Texas is higher than ever. The country may be falling apart but Texas isn't. In fact: it's almost like there is no global financial crisis in Texas.

8. Texans are friendly. They just want to watch football and chill. When people pass you on the street to say "Hi" they just want to say hi. They don't want your money. So, get that subway gaze out of here and hang with Texans. The Texas state motto is "Friendship." At a bar last night, a guy wanted to buy me a drink and came back from the bar with an entire PITCHER of beer. Chivalry is not dead in the Lone State State.

9. For those of you who hate big government- the Texas Legislature meets five months every two years. I can safely say the government is out of my business. They also make excellent roads when they do meet. Getting around in such a huge state is pretty easy because the roads are well maintained. If you've ever driven in New York City you'll know that good roads are a necessary piece of good infrastructure and also extremely rare. PS: no state income tax.

10. Texas has a really cool history. We were our own country once! Did you know that? The Alamo is such an excellent story of bravery and courage. It's nice that we have fore-bearers in this state who fought for their independence and were intensely brave about the whole thing. It's something to be proud about.


Okay. So in conclusion: say what you will about most Texans. Say what you will about Republicans, gun owners and the nutcase Christians but if there's one thing Texans have and it's pride for the place we grew up in. You don't see that shit in Connecticut. It's nice to be surrounded by people who love Texas and will defend it to the end. Yeah, it's a little insane that there are actual residents in Texas who want to secede from the United States but I think behind all the bullshit it's because those people love Texas and want to defend it from what they see as a country that's falling apart. I mean, it's sort of badass if you think about it. And that's what Texas is all about: being badass.

Na'vi: Stuck Between Rape And A Hard Place.

If you look at movies solely by numbers that means James Cameron's Avatar is the best movie ever made! That's why when Oscar season came along and people were all "The Hurt Locker should win!" I just said "The Hurt Locker? Avatar is the highest grossing movie of all time, This is America, it should win on principle." I got a lot of shit for this. That's not the point though. The point is, it's 2011 now- what the fuck is The Hurt Locker? I still know what a Na'vi is.

Unfortunately. Unfortunately I know what a Na'vi is. Avatar is actually not a good movie. It's like Pocahontas except no good songs, just Sigourney Weaver coughing. That being said, lets pretend for a moment that Avatar was real. That it wasn't just Hollywood pizzazz and expensive CGI but a real story that happened. Lets put on our imagination caps for a moment and just... wonder...

1. The Na'vi form of intercourse (art by CaitRaft) is to intertwine the hair follicles on their tail with the hair follicles of their partner's tail in the middle of the forest. I'm fine with that. Do what you have to do- you can't help your anatomy. However, the Na'vi also connect their tails to the tails of horses and birds when they want to get around the forest. So, either one of two things are happening here. One: Getting laid is the equivalent to driving a car and the Na'vi derive no pleasure from it which BORING or two: The Na'vi are just fucking horses and birds all the time. What if you had to fuck horses to make them go? I mean, it's an idea but is it not against some sort of collective Na'vi conscious? You'd think a people so ingrained in the "spirit of the forest" and all that bullshit wouldn't go around raping animals in order to domesticate them. Maybe it's just a human thing- that rape is bad? Maybe that's it? Maybe we should go out of our way to understand this people and their culture? Maybe this dialogue will happen and everything will be okay:

Human: Why do you have sex with animals when you want to use them as a means to transportation?

Na'vi: Why do you watch football, huh? Ever thought of that? You ignorant fuck.

Human: Well... I never thought of it that way. You're RIGHT.

(Human and Na'vi hold hands and skip.)

Maybe the Na'vi/Horse intercourse isn't rape and actually consensual. Then you've opened a whole NEW can of worms there. What kind of STDs are running rampant if Na'vi's are fucking horses and flying dragons JUST TO GET BY? Just to get from a mountain to the spirit tree? I'm not 100% on this, but is it not a rumor that humans got AIDS from fucking monkeys? Maybe we should tell the Na'vi that?? Warn them?? Spread the AIDS knowledge? Now I'm just spitballing but maybe this is the human plan all along to cut down their forest? Infect them with Na'vi AIDS and just let them die off themselves? Much cheaper than waging war or hiring Sigourney Weaver to make Na'vi clones. Pretty heartless if you ask me but those pesky humans love their Unobtanium, am I right?

2. Na'vi, aside from the rape issue I'm pretty okay with letting natural selection weed you out. In what universe did you think it was a good idea to make friends with the rogue agents sent in bodies that look like yours in order to "learn your culture." First off, I don't know if you've heard of this concept- it's a human concept- but typically when you dress up as a member of a hostile culture in order to learn more about them it's called being a spy. Spies aren't good. You don't want spies infiltrating your culture. However Na'vi, instead of killing this spy you let him fuck your women and learn your secrets. Who's idea was that? "Hey tribe, lets teach this man who works for tour bitter enemies learn all our secrets. Cool. Good idea. I think that's lunch." I don't understand how the Na'vi believe humans would understand their hokey tree religion. Humans HATE trees. Isn't that OBVIOUS by now seeing as humans cut down half of the forests on your Godforsaken planet? I guess not. I guess the Na'vi still think they can make friends with the humans. Na'vi, let me tell you a little story about a people called the Native American Indians. The Native American Indians had forests too, and homes, and a hokey tree religions. They had all the things you have, Na'vi, and you know what happened to them? They died. Or were forced into Oklahoma and became alcoholics. And that was about CORN not a gasoline substitute. So, basically Na'vi, your options are be killed or sent to Oklahoma. Slim pickings. However, that looks to be the direction you're heading in though due to your lack of cunning and technology. The humans have iPads, Na'vi, what do you have? Rapemobiles? You deserve to have your spirit tree bulldozed by Giovanni Ribisi. Also: Fuck you for the apostrophe in the middle of your species name. Fuck you for that.

Lastly, is this whole Avatar concept just a little bit racist, or is that just me?

Just me. Okay. Good job, guys. I think that's lunch.

P.S. Since Avatar is just like Earth with a blue color scheme, do you think the Na'vi watch movies that are just like their culture except with a human flesh color scheme. BLEW YOUR MIND.