How To Survive Judement Day This Weekend And Have A Damn Good Time Doing It

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Something has recently come to my attention and that something is that the world is ending this weekend. Which is... fine. I mean, what can you do- it's judgment day, right? I guess Indiana Jones just closed his eyes when the Ark of the Covenant was opened and he didn't melt into a beeswax skeleton/ascend to the sky in the midst of fire and brimstone. I guess that worked for him. But Indiana Jones is also a fictional character in a movie and this apocalypse is real life. The end of the world coming this weekend is IRL.

I know you guys might be angry about this. I know you might be scared. It's a scary thing to have the world end! People are going to hell. Fire is going to fall from the sky like hail. Earthquakes. Hail probably. Fire AND hail. At the same time. This is fact. It is fact because the Bible says it is fact. The world was created 10,000 years ago, in seven days and people roamed with dinosaurs, bitches. It happened. Get over it, you whiny liberal pussies.

So, the good thing about this whole "world-ending" snafu, is that we know it's coming. We have roughly five days to prepare. So, that's enough time to empty your bank accounts, inoculate yourself with methamphetamine and get your motherfucking affairs in order. Because this shit's going down. You may ask: "how do we do this, Kate!?" Well, you're in luck, because I know exactly what to do.

So, right now we're in the "raining 40 days and 40 nights" period of the end of the world. If you're in New York, you know this well.
COME ON, PEOPLE. HOW CAN YOU NOT THINK THE WORLD IS ENDING? SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THE WORLD ISN'T ENDING AFTER LOOKING AT THAT? SERIOUSLY? I'm sorry, this is embarrassing, my religious indignation at your incredible ignorance has gotten me off topic. My point is, that in order to truly prevail in this apocalypse you gotta take this rain in stride. Yeah, bitches, I mean build an ark.

Arks! They're the one surefire way to survive any apocalypse. Whenever God gets pissed and decides to end the world, the people with the arks always ended up on top! And you KNOW that ark was a good time. You can fill it with tigers and chill with tigers all day. Chilling with tigers! You can also fill it with whiskey which will improve the chilling with tigers tenfold. Especially, if you find yourself in a Sigfried-and-Roy-type tiger snafu in the midst of the apocalypse which, lets face it, you will. If that happens, then you can kill the tiger and eat it. Tiger burgers must be delicious, am I right? Of course I am. My point is, if you find yourself in some coastal region or in the highlands of Israel then you should probably get down to some serious ark building. As for filling your ark with animals, I'm sure any poacher will be happy to assist you. They're always down for some exotic animal capturing. If you can't get the number of a good poacher, just break into a zoo! It's easier than you think!

If you aren't in the Land of Milk And Honey or don't know how to/feel like building an ark- then the next few days should be spent doing the only thing we humans know how to do and know how to do well- party. Party hard. Empty the ol' savings account, cash in your life insurance and go crazy. For example, I would buy a sheet of acid, a 100 feet yacht and rent out an amusement park for two days. When I wasn't blowing lines off Sean Penn's dick (I'm also renting out Sean Penn's dick) on the yacht I procured from Jay-Z, then I will be tripping balls on a rollercoaster. All day everyday. That's just me. That's just my plan. Don't feel like you have to copy me. You can do whatever. Because, it's not like you're going to need your lifelong savings after Saturday. Party hard and party well. If you're building an ark, then party after you're done. Because building a 450 ft. ark from scratch can't take more than a couple of hours tops. I'm sure there's an instructional YouTube video on it somewhere. Plus, by the time the ark builders are starting to party everyone else should be winding down. 'Cuz we have work to do. Also, not everybody can be partying at the same time. That would be chaos, RIGHT?

So, after your binge it's time to pick up some guns. I don't care how you get them- purchase, steal, take a trip to your shed that converts to a sweet gun silo. Whatever, what matters is that you need some guns. And war-paint. And you should just cut off all the sleeves to your shirts now. You won't need those. It's going to be every man for himself to ascend to heaven with Jesus on a magic carpet made of Ciroc. Right? That's how it works? Every man for himself? So, you gotta be prepared for anything. You might also want to get a German Shepard attack dog. Name him Sam. He'll help you smell our heretics/hunt deer/etc. and if it dies then it will be some huge cathartic moment for everyone and you'll definitely ascend to heaven. Angels love that kind of shit.

According to this extremely helpful website, this is what we're dealing with here:

Judgement Day, May 21^st, 2011, this 5-month period of horrible torment will begin for all the inhabitants of the earth. It will be on May 21^st that God will raise up all the dead that have ever died from their graves. Earthquakes will ravage the whole world as the earth will no longer conceal its dead (Isaiah 26:21). People who died as saved individuals will experience the resurrection of their bodies and immediately leave this world to forever be with the Lord. Those who died unsaved will be raised up as well, but only to have their lifeless bodies scattered about the face of all the earth. Death will be everywhere.

So, what we're dealing with is a typical zombie apocalypse. You see, guys! Nothing to worry about! If it was a dinosaur apocalypse I would be telling you to just kill yourselves now because nothing could be as awful as having a velociraptor tear apart your body limb from limb. Nothing could save you then. Thankfully, we're just talking humans here. Not to mention: "all the dead that have ever died from their graves" Ummm, news flash: More people are alive now than have ever died. It's not even a substansial NUMBER of zombies. Also, does this mean Zombie Hitler will rise? How fucking cool would it be to kill Zombie Hitler? REALLY FUCKING COOL, THAT'S HOW COOL. See! Everything is going to be good. Fine. Easy as pie. I mean, you might want to get to China. For some reason, China feels like they will dominate in this apocalypse. But even if you can't get to China, if you do what I say (get lots of drugs and guns and giant wooden arks) you will be absolutely fine. In fact, killing zombies might be pretty fun! Just stay away from fundamental Christians. Like always, they're going to try to harsh your buzz. They're just going to make you as miserable as they are- Judgment Day is no different.

Do you see now? The end of the world isn't the end of the world. You can still survive Judgment Day and have a damn good time doing it! Whether you're sailing into the sunset with Jodie Foster and/or cool tigers or going Rambo all over Zombie Pol Pot, this May 21st could be just the thing to snap you out of that year-long depression you can't seem to shake. So, don't worry guys- everything is going to be fine.