I went to a party this weekend in a city I don't live in where I knew basically nobody and it was still great! Usually this isn't the case. Usually parties tend to suck and everybody is always complaining there is not enough drinking or yelling. Think of any party you go to. Yelling and drinking is the only indicator people are actually having fun. Ever been to a party and it was six people you sort of know sitting outside smoking cigarettes and talking about Marvel Vs. Capcom? That is every party I go to back home.
You want to avoid those parties. You want to go to better parties. You want to have everyone like you at a party where you know nobody. No man is an island. So here's how to have a nice cosmo on the beach of that island.
1. Compliment everyone. This I cannot stress enough. People love compliments, and for the most part are deserving of them. Just continuously compliment. Be genuine about it because it's easy to see through a fake compliment. For example, if I were to go up to Demi Moore and said "You look so young!!!!!!" she would be skeptical. However, she is an actress and not impervious to rampant narcissism. She wants to be told she looks young (which she does in a creepy, skinny way) so tell her "Wow, Demi you look great. Have you lost weight?" That statement accentuates the fact that she did something to look great. That she succeeded. People don't want to know that they are simply great, but that they succeeded at something to be great.
****CAVEAT: Writers will not take your compliments. They will think you are full of shit and have an agenda for giving them any compliments. For writers, see number 2.
2. Target the Guy With Crippling Self Doubt. The other night I talked to this guy from Las Vegas (he hated it. Loser) and I just told him to "Never doubt himself", he then told me I was the best person at the party. That's not even a particular statement! It doesn't really mean anything. It's like a poem about how I respect him. This is not a compliment, it just validates I know he exists and that, hey, everything is going to be okay. He was starving for validation and there I was with the validation apple pie. As a reward he gave me a a bunch of shots of whiskey and introduced me to all his friends as an angel. An angel! That's exactly the kind of compliment you are looking for to be popular at this party.
3. Be Particular About The Music. Target the iPod that's spinning mad jams and make it your own. If you're at a party with 18 - 21 year olds put on music that will spark their sense of nostalgia. Perhaps some Britney Spears or Destiny's Child. If not, I would go with irony. Put on some catchy LMFAO songs. ATTN: NO FUCKING RADIOHEAD. What the hell is wrong with you that you would put on Radiohead at a party? Die in a fire.
4. Let Stupid Things Stupid People Say Slide. Drunk people say stupid things. When they are already stupid to begin with alcohol just makes it worse. Here are some examples of stupid things you might hear that I have heard in the past.
GUY: Where you from?
ME: Texas.
GUY: Are you liberal?
ME: More or less.
GUY: Ugh. Liberals from the South annoy me so much. You guys are so uneducated about everything, so while you might have the same beliefs as me, they're uneducated and don't really matter.
^Right? This may be the most uneducated opinion on uneducated opinions I have ever heard but I let it slide. I laughed and waved it off. I could have punched him in the face or argued about how Boston (where he was from) was full of racists and classist morons. I could have said that and it would have been true. But that would have put a damper on my party popularity wouldn't it? Politics tend to do that. And popularity is ranked higher than political opinions ANY DAY. Argue that.
Here's another example of stupid people at parties:
GIRL: OMG, who do you know here?
ME: Jeffrey.
GIRL: Seriously? Did you go to high school with him?
ME: Yeah. He's a good friend of mine.
GIRL: OMG, he is such a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Do you know he fucked me over the summer and never called again? I mean not like I care or anything, I play the field, so I totally don't care but isn't that so totally fucked up? He's such an asshole. I mean I respect he's your friend and all but- major, major douchebag.
^Clearly this girl does not respect that Jeffrey is my friend. She thinks he's a fucking asshole. I like Jeffrey and I don't think he is a fucking asshole. I could defend my friend to this obviously crazy person who spews their emotions and insecurities at strangers but Jeff needs no defending. Jeff is a strong independent man. He can take it. Also some girl as angry at men as this is bound to fight girls over said men for no particular reason. You don't want to fight her. She is a crying mess waiting to happen. ATTN: DO NOT TRIGGER THAT. Making the drunk girl cry is the surefire way to be the evil scapegoat of the party. You will alienate everyone. Just let it slide and extract yourself from the conversation.
5. Bring alcohol. So easy. You probably don't have to do 1-4. Just bring alcohol, preferably hard, and then give people shots. Lots of shots. Giving people and consequently pressuring them into taking shots is the perfect way to make friends. It's like a team building exercise. It adds a healthy element of competition to your new-found relationship with the party.
Don't worry. Drunk people like you already. It's not that hard. Have fun, partygoers. The only thing you probably shouldn't do is post a blog on facebook about the party you went to this weekend and how you manipulated them all. You probably shouldn't do that.
