An Analytical Reading of "Shots" by LMFAO

"Shots" by LMFAO have been harolded by some as the song that defines our time. Just look at the YouTube comment section. That being said, I think it is important that my highly esteemed blog explore the finer points of this song. What does it really mean? Where do the authors come from? How do they weave in use of metaphor in "Shots"? So, without further ado, in part two of our analysis of contemporary music feature, lets look at LMFAO's smash hit.

The theatrical introduction to this video is important. It starts out at a Holiday Inn swimming pool in a suburb of Napals, Florida called Bonita Springs, and everyone is so bored! Boy, are they bored. Putting on sunscreen? That's for poor people! Thankfully, though, Lil Jon is here and so are 500 other people and this is what they all have to say:

"If you're not drunk ladies and gentleman, get ready to get fucked up. Let's do it! Haha!"

I don't know if the Holiday Inn swimming pool is the right venue for this. Wouldn't it be more entertaining if Lil Jon came into your office break room and said this? He pushes over Sid the elderly receptionist and says "If you're not drunk ladies and gentleman, get ready to get fucked up. Let's do it! Haha!" Your boss just looks up from her Indian take-out from the place with the really great lunch special downstairs and stares at him? While four contract developers are standing around the TV watching CNN saying to each other "Oh wow, Elizabeth Taylor is dead, wow, end of an era." and nodding? Wouldn't it be great then if Lil Jon had entreated us to get fucked up? Half of those people in the parking lot of the Motel 6 were totally happy reading Dan Brown and tanning? They don't want to get as fucked up as, say, the guy in your mail room at 9:15 AM on a Monday.

Next, LMFAO come out and say something because they're famous, I guess? Who are these people? These are real people? Next these two insecure rich suburban white kids DJs regale us with tales about how they go to clubs and are cool and then also this:

"I'm with the party rock crew,all drinks are free.We like ciroc.We love patron.We came to party rock.Everybody it's on"

Hm. Well. Ok. You're cool, I guess. Cool people get free drinks at clubs. However, this is a song that was written for the express reason of encouraging consumption of alcohol by the masses. When watching the music video you notice that when LMFAO enters so does about 500 people. So, that must mean that the "Party Rock Crew" consists of roughly 500 people. I'm just wondering what kind of business model it is for this drinking establishment to offer up comped drinks for 500 people just because LMFAO says so. I mean it's one thing to give Lindsay Lohan free drinks because it'll be in the tabloids she was at your club the next day, but these guys? These guys? I doubt I will read in TMZ tomorrow: "LMFAO played a 'secret show' at a Bennigans in a Houston, TX strip mall last night! Everybody got free drinks! Also related: Bennigans goes out of business."

"The ladies love us, When we pour shots // They need an excuse, to suck our cocks."

Obviously, yes, this is the case. The only way for any lady to suck Lil Jon's dick is to get so drunk she forgets that Lil Jon submerges his dick in a vat of Syphilis every morning.

"If you ain't getting drunk get the fuck out the club. If you ain't taking shots get the fuck out the club. If you ain't come to party get the fuck out the club. Now where my alcoholics let me see yo hands up."

What kind of person would actually want to stick around in a club when they're not drunk? Have you ever been to a club? It costs money to get in and then when you actually are in, it's impossible to hear anybody and impossible to move around. You have to watch douchebags rub their cock all over everything and everyone. Also, every surface of the club has this unidentified layer of stickiness (probably where DJ Pauly D came in his pants and attempted to clean himself off with a seat cushion). Not to mention, a good night is $10 dollar margarita night. Basically, you should be happy I'm at this fucking club anyway, Lil Jon. Any other host would be gracious, but no, what Lil Jon is saying is that if I don't drink this $10 dollar shot of Patron that I can't stay at the club. First off: You're a dick, Lil Jon. Second off: Do I have to drink shots to stay in the club? Could I, say, drink a nice White Wine Spritzer? Is that allowed at Le Clubbe HPV?

"The women come around every time I'm pouring shots. Their panties hit the ground every time I give ‘em shots. So cups in the air everybody let's take shots."

The inspiration that DJ My Semen Smells Like Roses, Bitch and DJ I Fucked My Cousin Last Weekend And Now I Feel Weird had for coming up with this line is the time their older sisters had a sleepover. They were fourteen and just hit puberty. One of them had scored some GHB and they swore they were going to lose their virginity that night. So, they stood tall and proud and waited until their sister's hot friend Samantha went to the bathroom and they sprinkled something into her Ginger Ale. Two hours later the pair of them stood over her, naked and deciding who went first. They were both so nervous! This was their first time. But at least they were together. They looked up at each other anxiously until one finally whispered to the other "Maybe, we should, like, touch each other's dicks for a little bit?" His friend looked at him, bit his lip and said: "Isn't that gay?" "No! No! No! It's just for practice, y'know. We don't want Samantha to think we're inexperienced." His friend nodded and gulped and pulled his pants down. Okay, this was fine. They touched each other's dicks tenderly and then they kissed, just a little! Just to see how it felt! Turns out it felt great. Samantha was all but forgotten.

"If you feelin' drunk put your hands in the air,and if you tryin' to fuck put your hands in the air."

Oh, LMFAO, you masters of observation. Who would have thought that club-goers want to drink alcohol and have anonymous sex with strangers? Wow! I've never thought of that before. I bet LMFAO contacted some impartial poll-taking group to gather evidence on this. How many patrons of said club are drunk and want to fuck: 92.76% with a 3 point margin of error. (Thanks, Gallop Polls! Once again, you tell me how to think! My panties are so on the ground and my hands are in the air!)

I think it's really important to understand LMFAO, y'know? Not many people understand just how our culture works today. You're welcome.

The Four Worst Places In The United States

I have traveled far and wide in this beautiful country we call America. I have even seen a bald eagle with my own two eyes which basically makes me an expert in all things America. While I love this wacky country, I do think there are places that should be immediately pulverized and fed to George W. Bush's dog.

I know this will offend some of you who were born in these places. You will be like: "Kate, you are from Dallas, the worst place in the world!" You will say that and I will disagree with you. I will say "Dallas has it's charm despite the fact that roughly 72% of it's population spends the hours from one to four PM drinking 40s of Milwaukee's Best and screaming the lyrics to Chopped and Screwed rap songs." I will say "Dallas has great roads even though most everyone is addicted to crack." I will say "Dallas is very chill, despite the suburban cops who will hunt you down and beat you up for being in a park at 9:30 PM." Then, I will shut up and slink away because you were right all along. Alas, we're not here to talk about Dallas though, we're here to talk about the real assholes of America. The real cesspools of this Land of the Free.

Bridgeport, Connecticut

The shittiest thing about Connecticut is that it fools you into believing that it's not so bad. It always starts with: "Oh! I'm going to spend the weekend in Connecticut and it will be so charming! Just like Gilmore Girls. Oh, those Gilmore Girls! They talk so fast and they're so quirky!" Then you meet people from there and you're more excited! You meet them and they seem funny and engaging. They seem like the kind of people you can share a bottle of wine and shoot the shit with. Then four or five times after meeting them they throw out something like "Oh by the way, I'm addicted to heroin!" or "Oh by the way, I belong to a cult that believes all Asian people are vampires sucking the joy out of the world!" Then you actually get to the real place and it's nothing like television has you believe. It is overcast, cold and rainy no matter what season it is. You quickly realize there is nothing charming about the four abandoned buildings that make up Bridgeport, Connecticut. Those cute little town squares everyone talks about are really just alleyways full of people who want to rob you, stab you in the abdomen and leave you for dead next to a trashcan of smoldering chemical waste product. So, all in all, here you are, in Connecticut, you don't have a kidney, it's cold outside and the only thing there is to do is cry in a puddle of you own blood, chewing on the fresh human feces a large man named T-Bone made you eat. Did you know the Navy used to be stationed in Bridgeport? Real live armed forces? The Navy is not there anymore though. You know where they went? Anywhere else on the fucking planet.

Also: Connecticut is hard to spell. No state should ever be hard to spell. Nor should any city (That means you, Cincinnati.) Another interesting fact, when I was searching through pictures of Bridgeport- it came up with a picture of the Dallas skyline captioned "Ice Skating In Bridgeport!"

Detroit, MI

It is so surprising to me that the city of Detroit hasn't been broken down and sold for parts yet. Is there really any reason Detroit needs to exist? Ford? Nobody likes Ford. Nobody buys Ford cars. Can't we just outsource our cars from Japan? Isn't that what everybody does anyway? If you Google image search Detroit the fifth picture is a dilapidated couch thrown on top of a trash pile on the side of the street. This is probably one of the nicer parts of Detroit. Detroit is like Connecticut in that it is dreary all the time but it's also worse than Connecticut in one fundamental way: everybody who lives there is unhappy. I think that when factory workers all across the country get laid off, they get shipped to Detroit to slowly waste away. Also, it is proven fact that people from Detroit have the most annoying regional accents of anywhere in the United States. At any given moment, it seems that one of them might break into a nasally rendition of Purple Rain. Detroit just reminds me of sad dogs. Really sad dogs.

Houston, TX
Houston is just the worst. Houston has the consistent aura of overweight people wearing too many sweaters. It's humid all the time and full of obese people. In the film Independence Day, Houston got blown up, which is probably the greatest kindness any alien species could do for us wee humans. Houston also comes out with terrible rap music. Houston rap music represents the worst things you have to witness or hear about in high school. Houston rap music is that guy Paul who has a weed leaf tattooed in black light on his upper arm and hosts purple drank parties on Tuesdays. Paul's house is where some poor girl loaded on cough syrup gets gang-banged by four guys who keep assuring her they are her boyfriend when in reality they are just some dudes from her Biology class. It's just abysmal in Houston. In the summer, the rate of humidity is 90%. 90 FUCKING PERCENT. So, not only is there bad rap music and racist, rich white people. It's really miserable to just stand outside and mind your own business.

Ohio (the whole state)

Did you know Cincinnati had race riots ten years ago? Yeah, not the 1950s. TEN YEARS AGO. Police killed 15 black males under the age of 40 (who had no weapons on them, by the way) during which four cops died. Then, after wards, no policemen were dismissed or had any charges brought against them. Just some extra training. Race riots! For four days! Ohio is a ill-tempered wasteland of races still fighting each other and then also soap factories. Ohio has a negative net population migration- which means that people are fleeing the state in scores. Yes, I'll admit, Bone Thugs N Harmony are from Ohio and they rule. However for every Bone Thug there is 100 Charles Mansons, Jeffrey Dahmers and Ulysses S. Grants (fun fact: most corrupted president!) that come fleeing from Ohio, ready to pour scalding water into your eye-socket.

So, there you have it. It's time we improve these cities or just abandon them. Really, just abandon them is the best idea. Start up anew. There is countless possibilities for the world if we shut down Bridgeport or Detroit. If you're not going to dispose of them, though, might as well just open Disneyland's in every single one of these cities. That would definitely work. Fact: Disneyland is the best place on Earth.

How Trent Reznor Became King Of The Bros And What That Means For You

It is a growing misconception in society today that there is only one species of Bro. That Bro would be the sandals-wearing, Dave Matthews Band-listening, Xbox-wielding frat bro. While, yes, this is a type of Bro, this is not- by any means- the only Bro. This Bro had it's reign as King of All Bros for a time but they have yielded their power to another, biding their time until they can grow stronger take control again. Like Europe in the Medeval Times- Bro's have a political construct all their own. They form alliances, they fight wars, they have golden ages and dark ages. They have their Charlemagne's and their Sherrif's of Nottingham. Here is a breif history of the past twenty years of Bro Struggle. Beginning with the early days of the 1990s and ending in the present day under the current Sultan of the Bro's: Trent Reznor.

In the stage of the early 1990s the main two factions of Bros were the Post-Punk Bros of Middle American Graffiti and the Dave Matthews Band Caliphate (part of the Jam Band Revival of the 1990s which also included the unfortunate Countring Crows.) These two sects of Bros were at war with each other for the most part of a decade. Yes there other types of Bros but these were the main two cadres. While they still have skirmishes here and there, their presence has been dimished- mostly by the rise of the Video Game Bro and sultan of all Bros and Grand Unifier himself, Trent Reznor.

Now that you know who is at war and who is on the sidelines lets talk about each side. The Post-Punk Bros came from the resurgance of punk in the late 1980s. These are the Bros who listened to a lot of Black Flag and decided they would form factions of Bros that roamed the streets drinking six-packs, breaking things, defacing public works and fighting anyone and everyone. The main weakness of this bro is their proclivity to fight each other- thus creating a civil war between their own ranks. This bro gradually evolved into the Grunge scene, headed by the late, great Kurt Cobain. Under Cobain the Punk Bros enjoyed supremecy over all other Bros and most of America. This lasted until 1994 and Cobain's untimely death. After that was another Civil War resulting in the unforunate Green Day musical group. Perhaps if Cobain hadn't died and Green Day hadn't have been born- the Post-Punk Bros could have reigned for possibly dozens of years. The main weakness of the Post-Punk Bros was that they fell in great numbers to the mercy of hardcore drugs. Heavy heroin use makes it difficult to remain in power for a great period of time- as you keep falling asleep and generally not caring about being in power.

The Dave Matthews Band Bros are the direct descendents of the Allman Brother Bros of the 1970s. Although, through the ages with the rise of technology and the alliance of the Allman Brother Bros to the Frat Bros things had been lost in translation. These bros generally wore hemp necklaces, beige sandals and played soft accoustic guitar. While they would publicly claim themselves as pacifists with proganda such as "Lets All Just chill, Bro" they were devious in their hunger for ultimate power. They would join frats to keep out the Bros they deamed unsatisfactory and with these frats gained a financial advantage the Post-Punk Bros just didn't have.

These two came in conflict many a time over the decade of the 1990s. Usually they would meet at large music events such where unforuntately bands like Tool (a favorite among the Dave Matthews Band bros) and bands like Smashing Pumpkins (headed by Billy Corgan, self-proclaimed usurper of Prophet Kurt Cobain and All Around Douchebag) might be playing together. There would be physical altercations, lots of yelling, beer can throwing and profanity.

The Dave Matthews Band bros presented them in the media as being Chill and into Peace and Stuff. They gained followers by their supposed amiability.** The Post-Punk Bros presented themself as being Hardcore and Awesome and generally not caring how smart you were or how you wanted to live your life. Another plus of the Post-Punk Bros was that the more beer you drank the cooler you became. Being a Post-Punk Bro it was allowed- nay encouraged- to get drunk and punch people. In other cadres of society that is called being a "violent alcoholic" and generally looked down upon.

The fight was even on all counts and may have raged for years and years if it weren't the appearance of a unifying force that took away vast members of both sides. That force was called Radiohead. They had been around but had gained a following in 1996 with their album Ok Computer. Radiohead incorporated many aspects of both sides. They were edgy and there was sometimes yelling so the Post-Punk Bros could respect them. At the same time they were chill and soothing so the Dave Matthews Band liked them. Radiohead didn't discriminate- wear Sandles or tattoos- all were welcome. What really made Radiohead triumph over the ongoing Bro War was how good they sounded while smoking marijuana- a drug all kinds of bros indulge in. Radiohead was also favored by a smaller-but-growing faction of bros called the Video Game Bros. They liked it because it reminded them of Super Mario music- which for some reason they love. For a time there was peace. A peace so bros of all kinds could attend Radiohead concerts.

That is when Trent Reznor began his campaign to be King of All Bros. He had music similar to Radiohead in that it was electronic but with notable differences. Reznor was a talented man, with the ability to play many instruments. He also came off as "less gay" than Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke- a man with whom no Bro could really identify with. Trent Reznor founded industrial rock music group called Nine Inch Nails which he was the sole member. Boy, he was awesome. All bros loved him! He was talented and cool and they could see theirselves in him a little bit. Not just Dave Matthews Band Bros who loved his synthy hits that enhanced the general smoking of marijuana, but also the Post-Punk Bros who loved his face-pounding hardcore industial rock. He also gained an audience of Lesser Bros such as the Metalhead Bros, the Nerd Bros, the Video Game Bros and also people who weren't even bros at all! The greatest accomplishment of Reznor and arguebly his solidification as King was his alliance in 2002 with Grand Master of the First Bros- Johnny Cash. When Cash covered Reznor's song "Hurt" Reznor was legitimized as a musician and public figure in all spheres. Not only the Bro sphere but the cultural sphere of America. And so Reznor rose and in 2011 he won an Oscar for scoring an award-winning film.

While Dave Matthews and Kurt Cobain are viewed as cultural icons of a day and age- Reznor has gained notoriety even with the Bougie-Class of the Millionaire Movie Stars. At the same time he can remain "cool" with the Post-Punk bros. Somehow, Trent Reznor has marketed himself as a Genius. Nobody knows how but he has done it. It is a feat of propaganda and publicity but Reznor has done it. That is why, at the publication of this article, Trent Reznor is the King of the Bros. For how long nobody can tell. These things can't be predicted as, say, the weather.

What does this mean for the rest of society? What does it mean for you? Perhas it is a unification between classes. Both the bougoisie and the lower casses of Bro can appreciate Reznor. Perhaps this will lead to a peace in the cultural sphere of America. Perhaps. The only obstacle Reznor has now is to win over the female gender. None of which understand Nine Inch Nails because, just, why? Just why? But that is another conversation for another article. Trent Reznor is King. Basically it's this: swear fealty- or be uncool.

(** Addendum: Dave Matthews Band Bros are not to be confused with Sports Bros. If you like sports it does not make you a sandals wearing, jam band bro. Perhaps a Sports Bro and a Dave Matthews Band bro will play a game or two of Madden together but the Sports Bros remain impartial. They share characteristics with both bros. Like the Dave Matthews Band bros they may be a part of a frat and like Madden. Like the Post-Punk Bros they like punching other people in the face. They remain neutral in the Bro Wars.)