If I had to bet money, I would say you're probably depressed because you aren't having sex right now. Science: Every ten seconds someone is thinking about boning. But not all of us can be veritable Lotharios- strutting through the streets as women/men fall to our feet in writhing heaps of sexual energy. No, not everyone can be me. That being said, you should have the privilege- NAY the right- to have sex right now. This is America! It is also the 21st century. Feminism has run it's course and now everyone can be sluts! Even you!
5. Spend Money
Well, obviously. Obviously there men and women in this world who will have sex with you for a previously agreed upon sum of money. Haven't you seen that show Secret Diaries of a Call Girl on Showtime? That's how it is! That's a documentary basically. I'm sure that if you pay someone to have sex with you they will not steal your television. No, that would be ridiculous. Why would a prostitute steal from you? UNHEARD OF. Alas! That's not the only way to Get Laid Now. You can spend money on regular people and they'll have sex with you too! I once had a roommate who told me that he felt obligated to sleep with whoever bought him dinner. Not all people subscribe to that particular point of view but let's just say you're more inclined to get busy if you're full of a nice steak dinner. A nice juicy steak with a side of garlic mashed potatoes all drizzled in truffle oil and a nice glass of Merlot... See, already I'm more inclined to have sex with you and I don't even know who you are. People just love money. LOVE. So, no matter your appearance you can have sex if you spend a lot of it. Sometimes double standards are great!
4. Drink Alcohol
You know how you think about sex all the time but you can't have it because you're at work, or getting your eyes dilated or sad, pathetic and lonely? Well, see, when you're doing that you're repressing all your feelings about Having Sex Now. When, you drink you're uninhibited so your feelings are released in a torrent of writhing sexual energy which is sometimes irritating but mostly awesome. So, when leave that nice steak dinner to have a few cocktails at the hotel bar (Maybe you're waiting to meet your prostitute! Hotel bars are key places to drink because everybody is-for the most part- sad or at a wedding or BOTH. Score!) suddenly you're feeling handsy with the hotel waitress and that is OK. It is okay because waking up next to a middle-aged, especially hairy Robin Williams does not define you as a person. No, it does not. Whatever Mary Lou Christian Evangelist says that was one moment in your life and you will be fine. Heck, you may have just had a damn good time with Chaim the Slightly Overweight Hasidic Hotel Owner. Also- bars are full of people just looking to have sex with you. Yeah, I said you! Because it's true! Especially clubs! Those exist for young sweaty men to rub their boner all over you. This is really the best advice I can give you. Drinking an intoxicating substance that literally makes people want to have sex? There's no more surefire way to have sex than with an intoxicated person. Girls, you can just go to a bar and have people BUY you drinks. I went to a (hotel!) bar the other night and yelled "WHO IS BUYING ME A MOTHERFUCKING DRINK?" and someone did! I'll never have sex with that guy but you'll bet your ass I'll stay longer at that (hotel!) bar and meet someone better looking I WOULD have sex with.
PRO TIP: If you are a poor male, you can still buy someone drinks at a bar and I'll tell you how. Go find the douchiest guy in the bar who is throwing around his American Express card like Monopoly money. Introduce yourself with your FULL name, hopefully he will respond in kind. Then just order your drinks off his tab for the rest of the night. He's a douche so he deserves it, right! You're like the Robin Hood of drinking. Stealing from the rich, giving to the poor. And most likely he won't remember you doing this- he'll just think HE drank all those dranks. That's how rich people operate: "Oh, I spent a lot of money. Makes sense. I can do that because I'm a stockbroker and my dick is huge." That being said, if he does find out you defrauded him, you can always run. You always have that.
3. Always Maintain Relationships With One Night Stands
It is a key move to always maintain relationships with one night stands. I don't mean this as a lets text all the time, and meet each other's parents type situation. No, if they are a one night stand- most likely they're pretty but they're dumb. They might pull their dick out of their pants and say "Merry Christmas" because that is the kind of things these people say and do. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. No, No, I mean every once in a while shoot them a text saying "SUP" at 3 AM. There is only one thing "SUP" can mean at that time and that is sex. Sending that text doesn't mean you have to follow through, au contraire my little minxes, it just maintains that PERHAPS you are still down for a booty call at some point in the near future. Even if you don't feel like having sex right that minute, you can still maintain the relationship until you need a sexual object NOW. Like when you're done at the bar, drunk, and the steak dinner didn't go GREAT because you farted really loudly and they heard it and it smelled terrible, then you have a Plan B at 4 AM Tuesday morning. Where you can be drunk and sad and have sex with this person, and conversely sometime in the future they can return the favor. It's beautiful, really. Don't feel bad about this particular person being your Plan B- you're most likely their Plan B too.
PRO TIP: If you're one night stand has no real interest in maintaining a strictly booty call relationship with you can force it on them. No, I'm not saying date rape (though I guess that works if you're into that sort of thing) I'm saying leave your clothes at their house. You have to go and get them one day! Those clothes are YOUR property. So, go get them at 4 AM Tuesday morning and GET. IT. IN.
2. The Internet
The internet has always been a place to get laid while multitasking. I could be checking my email, doing some work, and then write a message on OkCupid. Bam! Done! Flirting WHILE at work! See, OkCupid is a great resource to have sex with people Who Wear Condoms. It's much better than Craig's List- a resource to have sex with people Who Don't Wear Condoms. OkCupid may masquerade that it's a dating site for people who want serious long term relationships. Ha! OkCupid is a dating site for people who advocate getting oral on the first date in a park bathroom. And that is also OK. That's what we all frequent that site for. It's a wonderful service, really, providing mediocre looking people with a steady stream of maybe-sex. If it was my decision I would give the Nobel Prize to OkCupid. I often wonder why that isn't my decision.
1. Invite Your Ex Out For Drinks
Don't look at me that way. You've done it. You know there is only one reason exes go out for drinks- it is because they are sad and want to have sex. They want to lie in the familiar arms of love's past. Then, once it's all over and you've got your fill you can just send them home. It's not like you can hurt them- they'll always irrevocably hate you forever. They may not look like they hate you, and they may not say that they hate you- but they hate you. Even if they're still in love with you, they still hate you. That's how those things work. They'll still have sex with you though because why not? Because you both got tested when you were together and you know they aren't crawling with STDs (hotel bar!) and you know how all their ladybits work and it's easy. It's easy and it's nice and why not? You had sex, didn't you?
None of these were particularly in order. They'll all work if you have the wherewithal to execute them. I know what you're going to say- "Kate, why don't I just form a relationship with a nice young person so I can have sex on the reg?" Well, that's not what this blog post is about. If you want that go read "Five Surefire Ways To Have Sex Maybe In A Couple Weeks" This is about getting laid NOW. IMMEDIATELY. Because some of the youngbloods of the world need that. Some of you have demanding jobs and horrible daddy issues and you need anonymous sex NOW. And that is OK! It is OK! I don't usually have morals in these but here is one- cut yourself some slack because it's all OK.
