Do Not Legalize Weed: Get A Real Cause

Because then it will be more boring? Because the government fucks everything up? Because if cigarettes are 11 dollars a pack in NYC, how much do you think weed will cost? That is just the tip of the Don't-Legalize-Weed iceberg. You've heard all the reasons we should legalize weed- usually spouted to you by a pantless, grungy hippie on St. Marks Pl. Those reasons usually start with "Dude, it's good for you!" or "Cops, bro." Perhaps you've seen on a college campus/University of Phoenix website forum/etc. an organization called "Students for Sensible Drug Policy." Well, students, you're wasting your time.

1. How do you expect me to smoke weed when it's legal? You realize how boring it is doing things you're allowed to do? How many people would Molotov Cocktail a building if it was just allowed? Not many, because what's the point? If people could go cocktailing buildings left and right the message of cocktailing a building would be lost. Plus, everything would be on fire and we Americans don't want to be like Russia. Part of the allure of marijuana is that it's a taboo. If you don't have to hop in some sketchy 1993 Nissan Altima to get a dime bag then you don't deserve a dimebag at all.

2. I live in New York City and am constantly surrounded by smokers. If anybody ever wants to bum a cigarette people on the street either A.) ignore you B.) say no in a particularly bitchy fashion or C.) Ask you for money. Want to know why this is? Because cigarettes are eleven dollars a pack. If regular tobacco- grade A rat poison filled tobacco- is eleven dollars a pack how much do you think those fancy-smancy weed cigarettes would be? Real fucking expensive that's how much. By the way, Marlboro, 420 brand? You are soOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo clever, Marlboro. Right now, because marijuana is dealt in the black market where it can't be outrageously taxed by the government (and that's the only thing that would make legalized marijuana possible, the ability to outrageously tax it.) it ranges from dirt cheap (West Coast, any place with a border to Mexico) to relatively inexpensive (New York City, East Coast, etc.) and that is a status quo that should remain in place.

3. Cops. Little known fact about cops. When you break the law and then they catch you, they're going to arrest you. It's their job. They get paid to do that. So, you there with the possession case looming over your head, it's not because the cop is an asshole- it's because you're a dumbass. So, how about instead of lobbying for legalization and thinning your wallets as well as your dignity- maybe you should think about not smoking weed in that high school parking lot at 10:45 in the morning. Just go home. Please.

4. Want to know something? There is other vitally important shit in the world. Crackheads are dying on the streets. AIDS is a pandemic. 130,000 people lost their jobs in the month of July 2010. Russia is on fire. Women are getting stoned to death in Iran after receiving an unfair trial. Eight people a day die in Cape Town, South Africa. Lindsay Lohan went to prison for thirteen days. Pakistan is basically underwater with floods affecting 14 million people. Romania is printing anti-Semitic currency. If we want to even talk about drugs, the Rockefeller Laws can put a person in prison for thirty years for being caught with a tiny amount of heroin just once. All this shit is going on all over the world and all you can care about is whether you can smoke a joint on the street in peace or picking up your favorite Marlboro 420s. Spare me.

Don't get me wrong, marijuana is harmless. I don't mind it. Go ahead, call up your weed delivery service, go home and talk about how the police force on cops are like "total dickwads." I'll join you. But, how about we talk about something else for once?