Your Guide to Alcohol and Subsequent Drunkenness

Your choice of alcohol can change the course of the entire night. Did you think that alcohol was alcohol and the only thing that changed significantly between types was the taste? Well you're wrong, stupid and misinformed! Spirits (I still don't know how to spell liquor correctly, it will always be in the same class as embarrassed which I will never for the life of me learn how to spell) are all forms of ethanol distilled with different processes and fermented with different vegetables and shit. See! Alcohol has vegetables! It's totally okay to forgo a meal to drink twelve shots of Jager. The horrible thing about all these types of alcohol is that people don't know how they will be effected by certain kinds of alcohol. Everybody is misinformed of the kinds of scenarios that might transpire and how they can avoid those scenarios. So, without further adieu here is a guide to the most popular types of alcohol and what drunken night is ahead of you.

1. Beer. Ah, beer. The American staple. Made with wheat and the blood of the Native Americans, beer has been drunk for THOUSANDS of years. The perks of beer drunk is you probably won't throw up. You have to drink like 13 beers to throw up (unless you're a pussy- in which case, see #2). Beer also can be drank at many different speeds. You can shotgun beers (which is the best speed, it always ends in a guttural scream like you're a goddamn cowboy) or you can sip on them casually during an especially boring Monday Night Football game. It's the perfect staple. Everyone likes it. It's cheap. 40s. Problems with beer: Say you ate a Philly Cheesecake and you're like sooooooo full. It's physically impossible to drink a lot of beer. Then you're just sad, full and less drunk than the rest of the party. (Fact: Every time I encounter a bar where all drafts, even nice ones, are the same price I just go "Ah uh er BUD LIGHT.")

2. Wine. I'm not even going to TRY to be fair here. Wine is so stupid. People who drink wine are stupid, people who choose wine as a lifestyle are stupid. It's just a bougie thing to do and you know what happens to the bourgeoisie? JOSEPH STALIN. JOSEPH STALIN HAPPENS. If you choose to drink wine you'll end up either a.) drunk calling your mother or ex-boyfriend, or b.) wine has this tendency to convince you that you AREN'T drunk, just a terrific conversationalist (you're not), so you just drunk-drive and subsequently mow down seven kids on bikes.

3. Vodka. For some reason every teenager starts out their drinking career on flavored vodka. You went to the liquor store, paid a homeless man to buy you whatever you wanted and STILL ended up with Green Apple Smirnoff. Then what did you do? Cry. Because, fact: vodka is made from the distilled tears of Eastern Europeans. And also, fact: your boyfriend hooked up with your best friend so the only thing that could rectify it was drinking a fifth of vodka and saying things like "I THOUGHT HE LIKEEEDDDD ME." That's what your night out drinking vodka will be like. Also: date rape.

4. Whiskey. There is something inside whiskey that makes you want to punch people. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the sweat of Rambo or testosterone injections from some nameless soldier of fortune living in Nicoragua who kills apple farmers for sport. I don't know, what I do know is that drinking whiskey can only end in one way: VIOLENT EPISODES.  Suddenly the most passing of offenses is the biggest fucking deal on the planet. Somebody runs into you as you're leaving the bar, you punch them in the face. Somebody tells you that they don't want to have sex with you because they have a girlfriend/boyfriend, you yell and scream at them until they cry. Sometimes this is great because if we all know it's better to be feared than loved but sometimes it gets you arrested which sucks.

5. Rum. Rum is the truth serum of all alcohol. It's the best lie detector out there. After six shots of rum you will tell everyone your deepest darkest secrets. About how you killed your pet dog and buried it out in the woods because you liked the taste of blood. That you fucked your boyfriend's uncle. That you are presently addicted to crack. All of these things will be revealed with just a little Captain Morgan.

6. Tequila. I won't lie. Either this:

or this:

Now that you know all of the alcohol and what it does to you feel free to pick, choose and use them to your own advantage. YOU'RE WELCOME.

How To Get Anybody To Like You At A Party

I went to a party this weekend in a city I don't live in where I knew basically nobody and it was still great! Usually this isn't the case. Usually parties tend to suck and everybody is always complaining there is not enough drinking or yelling. Think of any party you go to. Yelling and drinking is the only indicator people are actually having fun. Ever been to a party and it was six people you sort of know sitting outside smoking cigarettes and talking about Marvel Vs. Capcom? That is every party I go to back home.

You want to avoid those parties. You want to go to better parties. You want to have everyone like you at a party where you know nobody. No man is an island. So here's how to have a nice cosmo on the beach of that island.

1. Compliment everyone. This I cannot stress enough. People love compliments, and for the most part are deserving of them. Just continuously compliment. Be genuine about it because it's easy to see through a fake compliment. For example, if I were to go up to Demi Moore and said "You look so young!!!!!!" she would be skeptical. However, she is an actress and not impervious to rampant narcissism. She wants to be told she looks young (which she does in a creepy, skinny way) so tell her "Wow, Demi you look great. Have you lost weight?" That statement accentuates the fact that she did something to look great. That she succeeded. People don't want to know that they are simply great, but that they succeeded at something to be great.

****CAVEAT: Writers will not take your compliments. They will think you are full of shit and have an agenda for giving them any compliments. For writers, see number 2.

2. Target the Guy With Crippling Self Doubt. The other night I talked to this guy from Las Vegas (he hated it. Loser) and I just told him to "Never doubt himself", he then told me I was the best person at the party. That's not even a particular statement! It doesn't really mean anything. It's like a poem about how I respect him. This is not a compliment, it just validates I know he exists and that, hey, everything is going to be okay. He was starving for validation and there I was with the validation apple pie. As a reward he gave me a a bunch of shots of whiskey and introduced me to all his friends as an angel. An angel! That's exactly the kind of compliment you are looking for to be popular at this party.

3. Be Particular About The Music. Target the iPod that's spinning mad jams and make it your own. If you're at a party with 18 - 21 year olds put on music that will spark their sense of nostalgia. Perhaps some Britney Spears or Destiny's Child. If not, I would go with irony. Put on some catchy LMFAO songs. ATTN: NO FUCKING RADIOHEAD. What the hell is wrong with you that you would put on Radiohead at a party? Die in a fire.

4. Let Stupid Things Stupid People Say Slide. Drunk people say stupid things. When they are already stupid to begin with alcohol just makes it worse. Here are some examples of stupid things you might hear that I have heard in the past.

GUY: Where you from?

ME: Texas.

GUY: Are you liberal?

ME: More or less.

GUY: Ugh. Liberals from the South annoy me so much. You guys are so uneducated about everything, so while you might have the same beliefs as me, they're uneducated and don't really matter.

^Right? This may be the most uneducated opinion on uneducated opinions I have ever heard but I let it slide. I laughed and waved it off. I could have punched him in the face or argued about how Boston (where he was from) was full of racists and classist morons. I could have said that and it would have been true. But that would have put a damper on my party popularity wouldn't it? Politics tend to do that. And popularity is ranked higher than political opinions ANY DAY. Argue that.

Here's another example of stupid people at parties:

GIRL: OMG, who do you know here?

ME: Jeffrey.

GIRL: Seriously? Did you go to high school with him?

ME: Yeah. He's a good friend of mine.

GIRL: OMG, he is such a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Do you know he fucked me over the summer and never called again? I mean not like I care or anything, I play the field, so I totally don't care but isn't that so totally fucked up? He's such an asshole. I mean I respect he's your friend and all but- major, major douchebag.

^Clearly this girl does not respect that Jeffrey is my friend. She thinks he's a fucking asshole. I like Jeffrey and I don't think he is a fucking asshole. I could defend my friend to this obviously crazy person who spews their emotions and insecurities at strangers but Jeff needs no defending. Jeff is a strong independent man. He can take it. Also some girl as angry at men as this is bound to fight girls over said men for no particular reason. You don't want to fight her. She is a crying mess waiting to happen. ATTN: DO NOT TRIGGER THAT. Making the drunk girl cry is the surefire way to be the evil scapegoat of the party. You will alienate everyone. Just let it slide and extract yourself from the conversation.

5. Bring alcohol. So easy. You probably don't have to do 1-4. Just bring alcohol, preferably hard, and then give people shots. Lots of shots. Giving people and consequently pressuring them into taking shots is the perfect way to make friends. It's like a team building exercise. It adds a healthy element of competition to your new-found relationship with the party.

Don't worry. Drunk people like you already. It's not that hard. Have fun, partygoers. The only thing you probably shouldn't do is post a blog on facebook about the party you went to this weekend and how you manipulated them all. You probably shouldn't do that.

Why Texas Is The Best State On Earth

1. Rick Perry, contrary to popular belief, is not the only resident of Texas. Nor is George W. Bush the only resident in Texas. Yes. Rich white people who have no compassion for the poor and hate minorities exist. They live in Texas. Bigoted politicians also live in Texas. Those people also live everywhere. To blame a state of 25 million people for the actions of a handful of people is absolutely ridiculous. Do you ever go "California. EH. They have nice beaches, but y'know- Richard Nixon" or "Boy, I love Maryland but JOHN WILKES BOOTH MURDERED THE PRESIDENT!!!!!" No. Nobody says that. Because basing the livability of a state off a few infamous people who happened to be born there is stupid. On the other hand, if you are going to take that stance, here's a fun list:
People from Texas:

1. Academy Award winning actor Chris Cooper
2. Country singer Willie Nelson (who owns a gas station in Carl's Corner, TX because he likes Texas so much.)
   
3. John Archibald, a physicist known for coining the term "black hole," Michael Stuart Brown, who won a Nobel Prize for helping develop drugs that lower cholesterol and extend people's lives that 16 million Americans use, at LEAST four other Nobel Prize winners.
4. Edward White- first American astronaut to walk in space.
5. Wiley Post- first person to fly solo around the world.
6. DAVEY CROCKETT

I don't know about you but that's impressive. Sure we have our share of Branch Davidians and Billy the Kid's (the latter is pretty awesome you can't deny it.) But so does everyone, you can make a claim that Texas sucks but don't give me Rick Perry as some sort of all-encompassing example.

2. Texas has awesome food. Men's Health ranked Corpus Christi, TX as the fattest city in America. El Paso and Dallas are 3 and 4 respectively. Houston and San Antonio are also in the top ten. Putting health issues aside for one moment- how do you think these people got so fat? It's because Texas has damn good food. First: Mexicans. Tex-Mex is awesome. Enchiladas. Chimichangas. Refried Beans. Food of this kind is unrivaled (Fuck you, California. Fuck you and your Huevos Rancheros.) anywhere else in the States. Second: BBQ. Texas has four separate styles of barbecuing. FOUR in one state. Also, the Texas philosophy for good barbecue is "you can never have enough beef" which is so American it hurts. Mesquite grilled ribs drizzled in honey-barbecue sauce. UNRIVALED. Third: Whataburger. One word: Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit.
Finally, this is a restaurant in Austin:
To have the freedom to put chicken fingers AND mozzarella sticks on your sandwich is a testament to the versatility of Texas.

3. Beer. I don't know if you've had Shiner Bock but it's excellent. It was started in 1909 by German immigrant Kosmas Spoetzl who worked for nine years in Egypt making beer at the PYRAMIDS. No joke. Also: I went to a bar last night. $3.75 for a double Gin & Tonic.

4. There's a family owned waterpark called Schlitterbahn which is spring fed by the Guadelupe River. No chlorine. So awesome. In fact, Texas has lots of beautiful rivers that are great for canoeing and other water sports. I canoed a 30 mile stretch of the Rio Grande once. The water is brown but it's beautiful.
5. We have deserts, and mountains, and cities, AND beaches. Suck it.

6. Yes, there are Republicans and stupid conservatives. However, I'm a 21 year-old female and I didn't go to school with any of those people. I didn't know any of those people and I lived in Highland Park for a short while- where the median family income is $150,ooo and where this shit happens. Even there young people are pretty liberal. Very few young people are conservative, bigoted or racist. So, while there's a conservative generation ahead of us, they won't be around forever.

7. Fuck your debt ceiling bullshit, the Texan economy is basically unaffected. Everything is awesome here. The gross state product is the second highest in the country. The median household income is only $50,000 but guess what- it's still pretty good because the cost of living is so damn cheap. Whether it's because of oil or the overwhelming swell of immigrants from Mexico- demand in Texas is higher than ever. The country may be falling apart but Texas isn't. In fact: it's almost like there is no global financial crisis in Texas.

8. Texans are friendly. They just want to watch football and chill. When people pass you on the street to say "Hi" they just want to say hi. They don't want your money. So, get that subway gaze out of here and hang with Texans. The Texas state motto is "Friendship." At a bar last night, a guy wanted to buy me a drink and came back from the bar with an entire PITCHER of beer. Chivalry is not dead in the Lone State State.

9. For those of you who hate big government- the Texas Legislature meets five months every two years. I can safely say the government is out of my business. They also make excellent roads when they do meet. Getting around in such a huge state is pretty easy because the roads are well maintained. If you've ever driven in New York City you'll know that good roads are a necessary piece of good infrastructure and also extremely rare. PS: no state income tax.

10. Texas has a really cool history. We were our own country once! Did you know that? The Alamo is such an excellent story of bravery and courage. It's nice that we have fore-bearers in this state who fought for their independence and were intensely brave about the whole thing. It's something to be proud about.


Okay. So in conclusion: say what you will about most Texans. Say what you will about Republicans, gun owners and the nutcase Christians but if there's one thing Texans have and it's pride for the place we grew up in. You don't see that shit in Connecticut. It's nice to be surrounded by people who love Texas and will defend it to the end. Yeah, it's a little insane that there are actual residents in Texas who want to secede from the United States but I think behind all the bullshit it's because those people love Texas and want to defend it from what they see as a country that's falling apart. I mean, it's sort of badass if you think about it. And that's what Texas is all about: being badass.

Na'vi: Stuck Between Rape And A Hard Place.

If you look at movies solely by numbers that means James Cameron's Avatar is the best movie ever made! That's why when Oscar season came along and people were all "The Hurt Locker should win!" I just said "The Hurt Locker? Avatar is the highest grossing movie of all time, This is America, it should win on principle." I got a lot of shit for this. That's not the point though. The point is, it's 2011 now- what the fuck is The Hurt Locker? I still know what a Na'vi is.

Unfortunately. Unfortunately I know what a Na'vi is. Avatar is actually not a good movie. It's like Pocahontas except no good songs, just Sigourney Weaver coughing. That being said, lets pretend for a moment that Avatar was real. That it wasn't just Hollywood pizzazz and expensive CGI but a real story that happened. Lets put on our imagination caps for a moment and just... wonder...

1. The Na'vi form of intercourse (art by CaitRaft) is to intertwine the hair follicles on their tail with the hair follicles of their partner's tail in the middle of the forest. I'm fine with that. Do what you have to do- you can't help your anatomy. However, the Na'vi also connect their tails to the tails of horses and birds when they want to get around the forest. So, either one of two things are happening here. One: Getting laid is the equivalent to driving a car and the Na'vi derive no pleasure from it which BORING or two: The Na'vi are just fucking horses and birds all the time. What if you had to fuck horses to make them go? I mean, it's an idea but is it not against some sort of collective Na'vi conscious? You'd think a people so ingrained in the "spirit of the forest" and all that bullshit wouldn't go around raping animals in order to domesticate them. Maybe it's just a human thing- that rape is bad? Maybe that's it? Maybe we should go out of our way to understand this people and their culture? Maybe this dialogue will happen and everything will be okay:

Human: Why do you have sex with animals when you want to use them as a means to transportation?

Na'vi: Why do you watch football, huh? Ever thought of that? You ignorant fuck.

Human: Well... I never thought of it that way. You're RIGHT.

(Human and Na'vi hold hands and skip.)

Maybe the Na'vi/Horse intercourse isn't rape and actually consensual. Then you've opened a whole NEW can of worms there. What kind of STDs are running rampant if Na'vi's are fucking horses and flying dragons JUST TO GET BY? Just to get from a mountain to the spirit tree? I'm not 100% on this, but is it not a rumor that humans got AIDS from fucking monkeys? Maybe we should tell the Na'vi that?? Warn them?? Spread the AIDS knowledge? Now I'm just spitballing but maybe this is the human plan all along to cut down their forest? Infect them with Na'vi AIDS and just let them die off themselves? Much cheaper than waging war or hiring Sigourney Weaver to make Na'vi clones. Pretty heartless if you ask me but those pesky humans love their Unobtanium, am I right?

2. Na'vi, aside from the rape issue I'm pretty okay with letting natural selection weed you out. In what universe did you think it was a good idea to make friends with the rogue agents sent in bodies that look like yours in order to "learn your culture." First off, I don't know if you've heard of this concept- it's a human concept- but typically when you dress up as a member of a hostile culture in order to learn more about them it's called being a spy. Spies aren't good. You don't want spies infiltrating your culture. However Na'vi, instead of killing this spy you let him fuck your women and learn your secrets. Who's idea was that? "Hey tribe, lets teach this man who works for tour bitter enemies learn all our secrets. Cool. Good idea. I think that's lunch." I don't understand how the Na'vi believe humans would understand their hokey tree religion. Humans HATE trees. Isn't that OBVIOUS by now seeing as humans cut down half of the forests on your Godforsaken planet? I guess not. I guess the Na'vi still think they can make friends with the humans. Na'vi, let me tell you a little story about a people called the Native American Indians. The Native American Indians had forests too, and homes, and a hokey tree religions. They had all the things you have, Na'vi, and you know what happened to them? They died. Or were forced into Oklahoma and became alcoholics. And that was about CORN not a gasoline substitute. So, basically Na'vi, your options are be killed or sent to Oklahoma. Slim pickings. However, that looks to be the direction you're heading in though due to your lack of cunning and technology. The humans have iPads, Na'vi, what do you have? Rapemobiles? You deserve to have your spirit tree bulldozed by Giovanni Ribisi. Also: Fuck you for the apostrophe in the middle of your species name. Fuck you for that.

Lastly, is this whole Avatar concept just a little bit racist, or is that just me?

Just me. Okay. Good job, guys. I think that's lunch.

P.S. Since Avatar is just like Earth with a blue color scheme, do you think the Na'vi watch movies that are just like their culture except with a human flesh color scheme. BLEW YOUR MIND.

What To Do About The Annoying Celebrity Problem

America, we have a problem. I know what you're going to say: the economy, illegal immigration, the fact gay marriage is only legalized in one state that matters, fear-mongering republicans, fear-mongering Evangelical Christians, the ongoing spread of racism, the flailing public education system, overcrowded prisons, white collar crime, Casey Anthony getting off scott free for killing her kids, OJ Simpson getting off scott free for killing lots of people, women getting paid less than men, Harry Potter is ending and nobody getting the medical care they need. Well, then you'd be wrong. I'll tell you what our problem is and that is Josh Duhamel.

Yes, America we have a problem that nobody seems to care about and that is celebrities who don't know how to shut the hell up. Who cares that the economy is broke, I can deal with the economy being broke, what I can't deal with is a 173 hour TV marathon of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. What I can't deal with is seeing a movie I think is going to be about cars that turn into robots, boobs and explosions yet instead I get a drama about Josh Duhamel's Problems. What's even MORE concerning is that these obnoxious celebrities think they have sway over things that DO matter. Say Katherine Heigel came out and said "You know what, we should do something about AIDS. Really help spread the word of sexual health and hand out clean needles and condoms to stop the spread of AIDS." I agree with that. I think AIDS blows. However, now that Katherine Heigel said it I want to say "Fuck everything Katherine Heigl says! No condoms ever again AIDS for everyone." Now, I don't actually think that but my aversion to Katherine Heigl is so strong I've begun to actively hope the world will progress in a backwards fashion. Ashton Kutcher says drive a Prius, I'm buying a Hummer. Frankie Munez says don't do drugs, I'm going to snort so much cocaine I'll be shitting blood. Annoying celebrities have such an adverse effect on society that they turn we groundlings into savages. On top of that, these people- this scum of the Earth- get paid millions of dollars of year to suck the joy out of the general pubic. Millions of dollars. Sometimes thousands of dollars at a time just for showing up at a fucking club. Here I am, spending $20 on a watered down Mojito and Ryan Renyolds gets to drink for free. I hesitate to say this, but... it feels like there's no justice left in this little world of ours.

So, that's why we must act and we must act quickly. These celebrities must be stopped and here's what I suggest: Celebrity Containment Program. I don't want to kill anybody. You don't want to kill anybody. We shouldn't revert to homicide because there are no other options available because that's not true- there ARE other options available. It's time we started treating these celebrities like communists. Meaning what, you ask? Meaning we take these celebrities by force and relocate them to a secure bunker hundreds of feet below the Earth's surface and never let them out ever again.

Okay. So it sounds bad when I say it that way. That sounds like prison. It won't COMPLETELY be like prison. All our most annoying celebrities would still get the most luxurious of comforts they would enjoy on the Earth's surface. Elegant furniture, big screen TVs, video game consoles, leatherbound books, Russian baths, delicacies from around the world, perhaps a high tech Earth Room that simulates the sound of the ocean or the smell of freshly cut grass. Hell, we'll throw Fergie in for Josh Duhamel's pleasure. We would spare no expense to make these celebrities as comfortable as possible on one condition- they can never appear on television, speak to the press, be photographed or otherwise interact with the outside world as long as they live.

I think that's a good deal. I think it would improve the world tenfold. Tell me, Blake Lively, do you want to save the polar bears? Take one for the team and lock yourself underground for the rest of your life to "reduce your carbon footprint." Even on a more practical and less aesthetic level, America, think of how many jobs will open up when the entire cast of Glee has been compromised. So many! If anything, this containment program will STIMULATE the economy. So celebrities, I urge you to consider a lovely lifelong vacation hundreds of miles away from the rest of us. If not for your fellow man do it for the future of society. I mean- lets be real here- you might as well agree seeing as you can buy chloroform in stores so you don't really have a choice.

Five Surefire Ways To Get Laid Right Now

If I had to bet money, I would say you're probably depressed because you aren't having sex right now. Science: Every ten seconds someone is thinking about boning. But not all of us can be veritable Lotharios- strutting through the streets as women/men fall to our feet in writhing heaps of sexual energy. No, not everyone can be me. That being said, you should have the privilege- NAY the right- to have sex right now. This is America! It is also the 21st century. Feminism has run it's course and now everyone can be sluts! Even you!

5. Spend Money

Well, obviously. Obviously there men and women in this world who will have sex with you for a previously agreed upon sum of money. Haven't you seen that show Secret Diaries of a Call Girl on Showtime? That's how it is! That's a documentary basically. I'm sure that if you pay someone to have sex with you they will not steal your television. No, that would be ridiculous. Why would a prostitute steal from you? UNHEARD OF. Alas! That's not the only way to Get Laid Now. You can spend money on regular people and they'll have sex with you too! I once had a roommate who told me that he felt obligated to sleep with whoever bought him dinner. Not all people subscribe to that particular point of view but let's just say you're more inclined to get busy if you're full of a nice steak dinner. A nice juicy steak with a side of garlic mashed potatoes all drizzled in truffle oil and a nice glass of Merlot... See, already I'm more inclined to have sex with you and I don't even know who you are. People just love money. LOVE. So, no matter your appearance you can have sex if you spend a lot of it. Sometimes double standards are great!

4. Drink Alcohol

You know how you think about sex all the time but you can't have it because you're at work, or getting your eyes dilated or sad, pathetic and lonely? Well, see, when you're doing that you're repressing all your feelings about Having Sex Now. When, you drink you're uninhibited so your feelings are released in a torrent of writhing sexual energy which is sometimes irritating but mostly awesome. So, when leave that nice steak dinner to have a few cocktails at the hotel bar (Maybe you're waiting to meet your prostitute! Hotel bars are key places to drink because everybody is-for the most part- sad or at a wedding or BOTH. Score!) suddenly you're feeling handsy with the hotel waitress and that is OK. It is okay because waking up next to a middle-aged, especially hairy Robin Williams does not define you as a person. No, it does not. Whatever Mary Lou Christian Evangelist says that was one moment in your life and you will be fine. Heck, you may have just had a damn good time with Chaim the Slightly Overweight Hasidic Hotel Owner. Also- bars are full of people just looking to have sex with you. Yeah, I said you! Because it's true! Especially clubs! Those exist for young sweaty men to rub their boner all over you. This is really the best advice I can give you. Drinking an intoxicating substance that literally makes people want to have sex? There's no more surefire way to have sex than with an intoxicated person. Girls, you can just go to a bar and have people BUY you drinks. I went to a (hotel!) bar the other night and yelled "WHO IS BUYING ME A MOTHERFUCKING DRINK?" and someone did! I'll never have sex with that guy but you'll bet your ass I'll stay longer at that (hotel!) bar and meet someone better looking I WOULD have sex with.

PRO TIP: If you are a poor male, you can still buy someone drinks at a bar and I'll tell you how. Go find the douchiest guy in the bar who is throwing around his American Express card like Monopoly money. Introduce yourself with your FULL name, hopefully he will respond in kind. Then just order your drinks off his tab for the rest of the night. He's a douche so he deserves it, right! You're like the Robin Hood of drinking. Stealing from the rich, giving to the poor. And most likely he won't remember you doing this- he'll just think HE drank all those dranks. That's how rich people operate: "Oh, I spent a lot of money. Makes sense. I can do that because I'm a stockbroker and my dick is huge." That being said, if he does find out you defrauded him, you can always run. You always have that.

3. Always Maintain Relationships With One Night Stands

It is a key move to always maintain relationships with one night stands. I don't mean this as a lets text all the time, and meet each other's parents type situation. No, if they are a one night stand- most likely they're pretty but they're dumb. They might pull their dick out of their pants and say "Merry Christmas" because that is the kind of things these people say and do. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. No, No, I mean every once in a while shoot them a text saying "SUP" at 3 AM. There is only one thing "SUP" can mean at that time and that is sex. Sending that text doesn't mean you have to follow through, au contraire my little minxes, it just maintains that PERHAPS you are still down for a booty call at some point in the near future. Even if you don't feel like having sex right that minute, you can still maintain the relationship until you need a sexual object NOW. Like when you're done at the bar, drunk, and the steak dinner didn't go GREAT because you farted really loudly and they heard it and it smelled terrible, then you have a Plan B at 4 AM Tuesday morning. Where you can be drunk and sad and have sex with this person, and conversely sometime in the future they can return the favor. It's beautiful, really. Don't feel bad about this particular person being your Plan B- you're most likely their Plan B too.

PRO TIP: If you're one night stand has no real interest in maintaining a strictly booty call relationship with you can force it on them. No, I'm not saying date rape (though I guess that works if you're into that sort of thing) I'm saying leave your clothes at their house. You have to go and get them one day! Those clothes are YOUR property. So, go get them at 4 AM Tuesday morning and GET. IT. IN.

2. The Internet

The internet has always been a place to get laid while multitasking. I could be checking my email, doing some work, and then write a message on OkCupid. Bam! Done! Flirting WHILE at work! See, OkCupid is a great resource to have sex with people Who Wear Condoms. It's much better than Craig's List- a resource to have sex with people Who Don't Wear Condoms. OkCupid may masquerade that it's a dating site for people who want serious long term relationships. Ha! OkCupid is a dating site for people who advocate getting oral on the first date in a park bathroom. And that is also OK. That's what we all frequent that site for. It's a wonderful service, really, providing mediocre looking people with a steady stream of maybe-sex. If it was my decision I would give the Nobel Prize to OkCupid. I often wonder why that isn't my decision.

1. Invite Your Ex Out For Drinks

Don't look at me that way. You've done it. You know there is only one reason exes go out for drinks- it is because they are sad and want to have sex. They want to lie in the familiar arms of love's past. Then, once it's all over and you've got your fill you can just send them home. It's not like you can hurt them- they'll always irrevocably hate you forever. They may not look like they hate you, and they may not say that they hate you- but they hate you. Even if they're still in love with you, they still hate you. That's how those things work. They'll still have sex with you though because why not? Because you both got tested when you were together and you know they aren't crawling with STDs (hotel bar!) and you know how all their ladybits work and it's easy. It's easy and it's nice and why not? You had sex, didn't you?

None of these were particularly in order. They'll all work if you have the wherewithal to execute them. I know what you're going to say- "Kate, why don't I just form a relationship with a nice young person so I can have sex on the reg?" Well, that's not what this blog post is about. If you want that go read "Five Surefire Ways To Have Sex Maybe In A Couple Weeks" This is about getting laid NOW. IMMEDIATELY. Because some of the youngbloods of the world need that. Some of you have demanding jobs and horrible daddy issues and you need anonymous sex NOW. And that is OK! It is OK! I don't usually have morals in these but here is one- cut yourself some slack because it's all OK.

How To Survive Judement Day This Weekend And Have A Damn Good Time Doing It

MySpace-Countdowns
Something has recently come to my attention and that something is that the world is ending this weekend. Which is... fine. I mean, what can you do- it's judgment day, right? I guess Indiana Jones just closed his eyes when the Ark of the Covenant was opened and he didn't melt into a beeswax skeleton/ascend to the sky in the midst of fire and brimstone. I guess that worked for him. But Indiana Jones is also a fictional character in a movie and this apocalypse is real life. The end of the world coming this weekend is IRL.

I know you guys might be angry about this. I know you might be scared. It's a scary thing to have the world end! People are going to hell. Fire is going to fall from the sky like hail. Earthquakes. Hail probably. Fire AND hail. At the same time. This is fact. It is fact because the Bible says it is fact. The world was created 10,000 years ago, in seven days and people roamed with dinosaurs, bitches. It happened. Get over it, you whiny liberal pussies.

So, the good thing about this whole "world-ending" snafu, is that we know it's coming. We have roughly five days to prepare. So, that's enough time to empty your bank accounts, inoculate yourself with methamphetamine and get your motherfucking affairs in order. Because this shit's going down. You may ask: "how do we do this, Kate!?" Well, you're in luck, because I know exactly what to do.

So, right now we're in the "raining 40 days and 40 nights" period of the end of the world. If you're in New York, you know this well.
COME ON, PEOPLE. HOW CAN YOU NOT THINK THE WORLD IS ENDING? SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THE WORLD ISN'T ENDING AFTER LOOKING AT THAT? SERIOUSLY? I'm sorry, this is embarrassing, my religious indignation at your incredible ignorance has gotten me off topic. My point is, that in order to truly prevail in this apocalypse you gotta take this rain in stride. Yeah, bitches, I mean build an ark.

Arks! They're the one surefire way to survive any apocalypse. Whenever God gets pissed and decides to end the world, the people with the arks always ended up on top! And you KNOW that ark was a good time. You can fill it with tigers and chill with tigers all day. Chilling with tigers! You can also fill it with whiskey which will improve the chilling with tigers tenfold. Especially, if you find yourself in a Sigfried-and-Roy-type tiger snafu in the midst of the apocalypse which, lets face it, you will. If that happens, then you can kill the tiger and eat it. Tiger burgers must be delicious, am I right? Of course I am. My point is, if you find yourself in some coastal region or in the highlands of Israel then you should probably get down to some serious ark building. As for filling your ark with animals, I'm sure any poacher will be happy to assist you. They're always down for some exotic animal capturing. If you can't get the number of a good poacher, just break into a zoo! It's easier than you think!

If you aren't in the Land of Milk And Honey or don't know how to/feel like building an ark- then the next few days should be spent doing the only thing we humans know how to do and know how to do well- party. Party hard. Empty the ol' savings account, cash in your life insurance and go crazy. For example, I would buy a sheet of acid, a 100 feet yacht and rent out an amusement park for two days. When I wasn't blowing lines off Sean Penn's dick (I'm also renting out Sean Penn's dick) on the yacht I procured from Jay-Z, then I will be tripping balls on a rollercoaster. All day everyday. That's just me. That's just my plan. Don't feel like you have to copy me. You can do whatever. Because, it's not like you're going to need your lifelong savings after Saturday. Party hard and party well. If you're building an ark, then party after you're done. Because building a 450 ft. ark from scratch can't take more than a couple of hours tops. I'm sure there's an instructional YouTube video on it somewhere. Plus, by the time the ark builders are starting to party everyone else should be winding down. 'Cuz we have work to do. Also, not everybody can be partying at the same time. That would be chaos, RIGHT?

So, after your binge it's time to pick up some guns. I don't care how you get them- purchase, steal, take a trip to your shed that converts to a sweet gun silo. Whatever, what matters is that you need some guns. And war-paint. And you should just cut off all the sleeves to your shirts now. You won't need those. It's going to be every man for himself to ascend to heaven with Jesus on a magic carpet made of Ciroc. Right? That's how it works? Every man for himself? So, you gotta be prepared for anything. You might also want to get a German Shepard attack dog. Name him Sam. He'll help you smell our heretics/hunt deer/etc. and if it dies then it will be some huge cathartic moment for everyone and you'll definitely ascend to heaven. Angels love that kind of shit.

According to this extremely helpful website, this is what we're dealing with here:

Judgement Day, May 21^st, 2011, this 5-month period of horrible torment will begin for all the inhabitants of the earth. It will be on May 21^st that God will raise up all the dead that have ever died from their graves. Earthquakes will ravage the whole world as the earth will no longer conceal its dead (Isaiah 26:21). People who died as saved individuals will experience the resurrection of their bodies and immediately leave this world to forever be with the Lord. Those who died unsaved will be raised up as well, but only to have their lifeless bodies scattered about the face of all the earth. Death will be everywhere.

So, what we're dealing with is a typical zombie apocalypse. You see, guys! Nothing to worry about! If it was a dinosaur apocalypse I would be telling you to just kill yourselves now because nothing could be as awful as having a velociraptor tear apart your body limb from limb. Nothing could save you then. Thankfully, we're just talking humans here. Not to mention: "all the dead that have ever died from their graves" Ummm, news flash: More people are alive now than have ever died. It's not even a substansial NUMBER of zombies. Also, does this mean Zombie Hitler will rise? How fucking cool would it be to kill Zombie Hitler? REALLY FUCKING COOL, THAT'S HOW COOL. See! Everything is going to be good. Fine. Easy as pie. I mean, you might want to get to China. For some reason, China feels like they will dominate in this apocalypse. But even if you can't get to China, if you do what I say (get lots of drugs and guns and giant wooden arks) you will be absolutely fine. In fact, killing zombies might be pretty fun! Just stay away from fundamental Christians. Like always, they're going to try to harsh your buzz. They're just going to make you as miserable as they are- Judgment Day is no different.

Do you see now? The end of the world isn't the end of the world. You can still survive Judgment Day and have a damn good time doing it! Whether you're sailing into the sunset with Jodie Foster and/or cool tigers or going Rambo all over Zombie Pol Pot, this May 21st could be just the thing to snap you out of that year-long depression you can't seem to shake. So, don't worry guys- everything is going to be fine.

Letter From Dead Kurt Cobain

Hey guys! I found this letter from dead Kurt Cobain in a heroin induced ramble in the woods last night! Check it out!

Dear World,

Kurt Cobain here. So, now that I am walking amongst the dead, I have had lots of time on my hands to watch the world change. Lots of time. And I have come to the conclusion that shooting myself in the head with a shotgun in 1994 was the best decision I could have possibly made. You fucking guys. Where do I start? I'll try my best to narrow it down to the crux of the issue. The real core of why the world has turned into such a shitstained asshole.

1. I just read that Jared Leto put a video on the internet where he plays acoustic guitar dressed up like me. The fucking internet. Who's idea was it to provide an inexhaustible outlet for douchebags like Jared Leto to post whatever the fuck "art" he wants? Who's idea was that? Seriously. Because that person should be dragged into the street and shot. He should be dragged into the street, shot and his dead corpse should be fucked by fourteen guys named Chad. Do you think I care what some thirteen year-old rich, white girl has to say about the Mercedes Benz she got for her Bat Mitzvah? No. I can honestly say I don't give a shit about that. You guys, however, have that shit thrown in your face all the time. I would pity you if it wasn't your fucking fault anyway for creating YouTube.

2. Kings of Leon. I would say roughly 12% of the reason I killed myself was because of the Counting Crows. But even Adam Duritz can't top the banality of evil that has been perpetrated on the world by Kings of Leon. I just don't understand how society let this band exist. If I came back to life my first order of business would probably be to murder all four members of Kings of Leon. The only hitch with that plan is that if I killed all four members of Kings of Leon they would most-likely become martyrological figures and probably get some statue in the White House. If there is one thing we can't have, it's a Kings of Leon cult following for decades to come. I never want to hear "Kings of Leon, man, fuckin' tragedy." Never do I want to hear that. Not just Kings of Leon but the general state of music these days is atrotious. I can forgive what Green Day has done because I too know what it is like to be seduced by the mistress that is fame and fortune. I too know the perils of being on the cover of Rolling Stone. However, I can not and will not ever forgive Kings of Leon for what they did to music. They should be sent to the Hague and immediately tried for crimes against humanity. After that we'll hold trials for Nickelback, Mumford & Sons, Papa Roach and Fred Durst.

P.S. Can somebody tell me what exactly makes LCD Soundsystem at all interesting?

3. Gus Van Sant, you think you're really fucking cool don't you? You think you understand the state of the world. Pan in slow on a heroin needle dripping with the blood of infants because it shows the nature of hypocracy in the big business world of police corruption. Go fuck yourself, Gus Van Sant. Every single one of his movies has the same goddamn plot. It's like a mad-libs filled in with shitty social commentary. When (enter downtrodden protagonist here) goes to (enter corrupted union here) he begins a (enter grassroots revolution here) and falls in love with (enter controversial love interest here) and when his efforts are thwarted by (drugs/big business antagonist/abusive father) he thinks he meets his downfall (enter twist/stupid ending here/pretentious artistic longshot here). When does it stop? When does this vicious circle get a knife in the cranium? When will the time come where people stop giving this guy money and start giving him punches in the face? First he makes that terrible Psycho remake that basically raped Alfred Hitchcock's eyesocket, then the egregious asshole has the audacity to make a movie about me. You don't know anything about my life, Gus Van Sant. How dare you reduce a human's life into a piece of shit like Last Days.Tell me, what is it you have against me that makes you want to make such a shitty movie about me? What did I ever do to you? Did I fuck your mom? Did I kill your dog? What is it that I did that offended you so much that you had to make that movie? Go back to painting pictures of sidewalks and writing poetry about pigeons slowly dying and leave us all alone. If I could, for a moment, appeal to the masses here: somebody take a dump on Gus Van Sant's chest. Somebody go out, eat four entrees from PF Changs and just let loose all over Gus Van Sant. Please. For the love of God.

Think about what I've said, 2011. These are hard times you live in. Do something about it. Change the world. Basically what I'm saying is get a drug addiction.

Sincerely,
Kurt

P.S. Dave Grohl. Dude. Dude.

An Analytical Reading of "Shots" by LMFAO

"Shots" by LMFAO have been harolded by some as the song that defines our time. Just look at the YouTube comment section. That being said, I think it is important that my highly esteemed blog explore the finer points of this song. What does it really mean? Where do the authors come from? How do they weave in use of metaphor in "Shots"? So, without further ado, in part two of our analysis of contemporary music feature, lets look at LMFAO's smash hit.

The theatrical introduction to this video is important. It starts out at a Holiday Inn swimming pool in a suburb of Napals, Florida called Bonita Springs, and everyone is so bored! Boy, are they bored. Putting on sunscreen? That's for poor people! Thankfully, though, Lil Jon is here and so are 500 other people and this is what they all have to say:

"If you're not drunk ladies and gentleman, get ready to get fucked up. Let's do it! Haha!"

I don't know if the Holiday Inn swimming pool is the right venue for this. Wouldn't it be more entertaining if Lil Jon came into your office break room and said this? He pushes over Sid the elderly receptionist and says "If you're not drunk ladies and gentleman, get ready to get fucked up. Let's do it! Haha!" Your boss just looks up from her Indian take-out from the place with the really great lunch special downstairs and stares at him? While four contract developers are standing around the TV watching CNN saying to each other "Oh wow, Elizabeth Taylor is dead, wow, end of an era." and nodding? Wouldn't it be great then if Lil Jon had entreated us to get fucked up? Half of those people in the parking lot of the Motel 6 were totally happy reading Dan Brown and tanning? They don't want to get as fucked up as, say, the guy in your mail room at 9:15 AM on a Monday.

Next, LMFAO come out and say something because they're famous, I guess? Who are these people? These are real people? Next these two insecure rich suburban white kids DJs regale us with tales about how they go to clubs and are cool and then also this:

"I'm with the party rock crew,all drinks are free.We like ciroc.We love patron.We came to party rock.Everybody it's on"

Hm. Well. Ok. You're cool, I guess. Cool people get free drinks at clubs. However, this is a song that was written for the express reason of encouraging consumption of alcohol by the masses. When watching the music video you notice that when LMFAO enters so does about 500 people. So, that must mean that the "Party Rock Crew" consists of roughly 500 people. I'm just wondering what kind of business model it is for this drinking establishment to offer up comped drinks for 500 people just because LMFAO says so. I mean it's one thing to give Lindsay Lohan free drinks because it'll be in the tabloids she was at your club the next day, but these guys? These guys? I doubt I will read in TMZ tomorrow: "LMFAO played a 'secret show' at a Bennigans in a Houston, TX strip mall last night! Everybody got free drinks! Also related: Bennigans goes out of business."

"The ladies love us, When we pour shots // They need an excuse, to suck our cocks."

Obviously, yes, this is the case. The only way for any lady to suck Lil Jon's dick is to get so drunk she forgets that Lil Jon submerges his dick in a vat of Syphilis every morning.

"If you ain't getting drunk get the fuck out the club. If you ain't taking shots get the fuck out the club. If you ain't come to party get the fuck out the club. Now where my alcoholics let me see yo hands up."

What kind of person would actually want to stick around in a club when they're not drunk? Have you ever been to a club? It costs money to get in and then when you actually are in, it's impossible to hear anybody and impossible to move around. You have to watch douchebags rub their cock all over everything and everyone. Also, every surface of the club has this unidentified layer of stickiness (probably where DJ Pauly D came in his pants and attempted to clean himself off with a seat cushion). Not to mention, a good night is $10 dollar margarita night. Basically, you should be happy I'm at this fucking club anyway, Lil Jon. Any other host would be gracious, but no, what Lil Jon is saying is that if I don't drink this $10 dollar shot of Patron that I can't stay at the club. First off: You're a dick, Lil Jon. Second off: Do I have to drink shots to stay in the club? Could I, say, drink a nice White Wine Spritzer? Is that allowed at Le Clubbe HPV?

"The women come around every time I'm pouring shots. Their panties hit the ground every time I give ‘em shots. So cups in the air everybody let's take shots."

The inspiration that DJ My Semen Smells Like Roses, Bitch and DJ I Fucked My Cousin Last Weekend And Now I Feel Weird had for coming up with this line is the time their older sisters had a sleepover. They were fourteen and just hit puberty. One of them had scored some GHB and they swore they were going to lose their virginity that night. So, they stood tall and proud and waited until their sister's hot friend Samantha went to the bathroom and they sprinkled something into her Ginger Ale. Two hours later the pair of them stood over her, naked and deciding who went first. They were both so nervous! This was their first time. But at least they were together. They looked up at each other anxiously until one finally whispered to the other "Maybe, we should, like, touch each other's dicks for a little bit?" His friend looked at him, bit his lip and said: "Isn't that gay?" "No! No! No! It's just for practice, y'know. We don't want Samantha to think we're inexperienced." His friend nodded and gulped and pulled his pants down. Okay, this was fine. They touched each other's dicks tenderly and then they kissed, just a little! Just to see how it felt! Turns out it felt great. Samantha was all but forgotten.

"If you feelin' drunk put your hands in the air,and if you tryin' to fuck put your hands in the air."

Oh, LMFAO, you masters of observation. Who would have thought that club-goers want to drink alcohol and have anonymous sex with strangers? Wow! I've never thought of that before. I bet LMFAO contacted some impartial poll-taking group to gather evidence on this. How many patrons of said club are drunk and want to fuck: 92.76% with a 3 point margin of error. (Thanks, Gallop Polls! Once again, you tell me how to think! My panties are so on the ground and my hands are in the air!)

I think it's really important to understand LMFAO, y'know? Not many people understand just how our culture works today. You're welcome.

The Four Worst Places In The United States

I have traveled far and wide in this beautiful country we call America. I have even seen a bald eagle with my own two eyes which basically makes me an expert in all things America. While I love this wacky country, I do think there are places that should be immediately pulverized and fed to George W. Bush's dog.

I know this will offend some of you who were born in these places. You will be like: "Kate, you are from Dallas, the worst place in the world!" You will say that and I will disagree with you. I will say "Dallas has it's charm despite the fact that roughly 72% of it's population spends the hours from one to four PM drinking 40s of Milwaukee's Best and screaming the lyrics to Chopped and Screwed rap songs." I will say "Dallas has great roads even though most everyone is addicted to crack." I will say "Dallas is very chill, despite the suburban cops who will hunt you down and beat you up for being in a park at 9:30 PM." Then, I will shut up and slink away because you were right all along. Alas, we're not here to talk about Dallas though, we're here to talk about the real assholes of America. The real cesspools of this Land of the Free.

Bridgeport, Connecticut

The shittiest thing about Connecticut is that it fools you into believing that it's not so bad. It always starts with: "Oh! I'm going to spend the weekend in Connecticut and it will be so charming! Just like Gilmore Girls. Oh, those Gilmore Girls! They talk so fast and they're so quirky!" Then you meet people from there and you're more excited! You meet them and they seem funny and engaging. They seem like the kind of people you can share a bottle of wine and shoot the shit with. Then four or five times after meeting them they throw out something like "Oh by the way, I'm addicted to heroin!" or "Oh by the way, I belong to a cult that believes all Asian people are vampires sucking the joy out of the world!" Then you actually get to the real place and it's nothing like television has you believe. It is overcast, cold and rainy no matter what season it is. You quickly realize there is nothing charming about the four abandoned buildings that make up Bridgeport, Connecticut. Those cute little town squares everyone talks about are really just alleyways full of people who want to rob you, stab you in the abdomen and leave you for dead next to a trashcan of smoldering chemical waste product. So, all in all, here you are, in Connecticut, you don't have a kidney, it's cold outside and the only thing there is to do is cry in a puddle of you own blood, chewing on the fresh human feces a large man named T-Bone made you eat. Did you know the Navy used to be stationed in Bridgeport? Real live armed forces? The Navy is not there anymore though. You know where they went? Anywhere else on the fucking planet.

Also: Connecticut is hard to spell. No state should ever be hard to spell. Nor should any city (That means you, Cincinnati.) Another interesting fact, when I was searching through pictures of Bridgeport- it came up with a picture of the Dallas skyline captioned "Ice Skating In Bridgeport!"

Detroit, MI

It is so surprising to me that the city of Detroit hasn't been broken down and sold for parts yet. Is there really any reason Detroit needs to exist? Ford? Nobody likes Ford. Nobody buys Ford cars. Can't we just outsource our cars from Japan? Isn't that what everybody does anyway? If you Google image search Detroit the fifth picture is a dilapidated couch thrown on top of a trash pile on the side of the street. This is probably one of the nicer parts of Detroit. Detroit is like Connecticut in that it is dreary all the time but it's also worse than Connecticut in one fundamental way: everybody who lives there is unhappy. I think that when factory workers all across the country get laid off, they get shipped to Detroit to slowly waste away. Also, it is proven fact that people from Detroit have the most annoying regional accents of anywhere in the United States. At any given moment, it seems that one of them might break into a nasally rendition of Purple Rain. Detroit just reminds me of sad dogs. Really sad dogs.

Houston, TX
Houston is just the worst. Houston has the consistent aura of overweight people wearing too many sweaters. It's humid all the time and full of obese people. In the film Independence Day, Houston got blown up, which is probably the greatest kindness any alien species could do for us wee humans. Houston also comes out with terrible rap music. Houston rap music represents the worst things you have to witness or hear about in high school. Houston rap music is that guy Paul who has a weed leaf tattooed in black light on his upper arm and hosts purple drank parties on Tuesdays. Paul's house is where some poor girl loaded on cough syrup gets gang-banged by four guys who keep assuring her they are her boyfriend when in reality they are just some dudes from her Biology class. It's just abysmal in Houston. In the summer, the rate of humidity is 90%. 90 FUCKING PERCENT. So, not only is there bad rap music and racist, rich white people. It's really miserable to just stand outside and mind your own business.

Ohio (the whole state)

Did you know Cincinnati had race riots ten years ago? Yeah, not the 1950s. TEN YEARS AGO. Police killed 15 black males under the age of 40 (who had no weapons on them, by the way) during which four cops died. Then, after wards, no policemen were dismissed or had any charges brought against them. Just some extra training. Race riots! For four days! Ohio is a ill-tempered wasteland of races still fighting each other and then also soap factories. Ohio has a negative net population migration- which means that people are fleeing the state in scores. Yes, I'll admit, Bone Thugs N Harmony are from Ohio and they rule. However for every Bone Thug there is 100 Charles Mansons, Jeffrey Dahmers and Ulysses S. Grants (fun fact: most corrupted president!) that come fleeing from Ohio, ready to pour scalding water into your eye-socket.

So, there you have it. It's time we improve these cities or just abandon them. Really, just abandon them is the best idea. Start up anew. There is countless possibilities for the world if we shut down Bridgeport or Detroit. If you're not going to dispose of them, though, might as well just open Disneyland's in every single one of these cities. That would definitely work. Fact: Disneyland is the best place on Earth.

How Trent Reznor Became King Of The Bros And What That Means For You

It is a growing misconception in society today that there is only one species of Bro. That Bro would be the sandals-wearing, Dave Matthews Band-listening, Xbox-wielding frat bro. While, yes, this is a type of Bro, this is not- by any means- the only Bro. This Bro had it's reign as King of All Bros for a time but they have yielded their power to another, biding their time until they can grow stronger take control again. Like Europe in the Medeval Times- Bro's have a political construct all their own. They form alliances, they fight wars, they have golden ages and dark ages. They have their Charlemagne's and their Sherrif's of Nottingham. Here is a breif history of the past twenty years of Bro Struggle. Beginning with the early days of the 1990s and ending in the present day under the current Sultan of the Bro's: Trent Reznor.

In the stage of the early 1990s the main two factions of Bros were the Post-Punk Bros of Middle American Graffiti and the Dave Matthews Band Caliphate (part of the Jam Band Revival of the 1990s which also included the unfortunate Countring Crows.) These two sects of Bros were at war with each other for the most part of a decade. Yes there other types of Bros but these were the main two cadres. While they still have skirmishes here and there, their presence has been dimished- mostly by the rise of the Video Game Bro and sultan of all Bros and Grand Unifier himself, Trent Reznor.

Now that you know who is at war and who is on the sidelines lets talk about each side. The Post-Punk Bros came from the resurgance of punk in the late 1980s. These are the Bros who listened to a lot of Black Flag and decided they would form factions of Bros that roamed the streets drinking six-packs, breaking things, defacing public works and fighting anyone and everyone. The main weakness of this bro is their proclivity to fight each other- thus creating a civil war between their own ranks. This bro gradually evolved into the Grunge scene, headed by the late, great Kurt Cobain. Under Cobain the Punk Bros enjoyed supremecy over all other Bros and most of America. This lasted until 1994 and Cobain's untimely death. After that was another Civil War resulting in the unforunate Green Day musical group. Perhaps if Cobain hadn't died and Green Day hadn't have been born- the Post-Punk Bros could have reigned for possibly dozens of years. The main weakness of the Post-Punk Bros was that they fell in great numbers to the mercy of hardcore drugs. Heavy heroin use makes it difficult to remain in power for a great period of time- as you keep falling asleep and generally not caring about being in power.

The Dave Matthews Band Bros are the direct descendents of the Allman Brother Bros of the 1970s. Although, through the ages with the rise of technology and the alliance of the Allman Brother Bros to the Frat Bros things had been lost in translation. These bros generally wore hemp necklaces, beige sandals and played soft accoustic guitar. While they would publicly claim themselves as pacifists with proganda such as "Lets All Just chill, Bro" they were devious in their hunger for ultimate power. They would join frats to keep out the Bros they deamed unsatisfactory and with these frats gained a financial advantage the Post-Punk Bros just didn't have.

These two came in conflict many a time over the decade of the 1990s. Usually they would meet at large music events such where unforuntately bands like Tool (a favorite among the Dave Matthews Band bros) and bands like Smashing Pumpkins (headed by Billy Corgan, self-proclaimed usurper of Prophet Kurt Cobain and All Around Douchebag) might be playing together. There would be physical altercations, lots of yelling, beer can throwing and profanity.

The Dave Matthews Band bros presented them in the media as being Chill and into Peace and Stuff. They gained followers by their supposed amiability.** The Post-Punk Bros presented themself as being Hardcore and Awesome and generally not caring how smart you were or how you wanted to live your life. Another plus of the Post-Punk Bros was that the more beer you drank the cooler you became. Being a Post-Punk Bro it was allowed- nay encouraged- to get drunk and punch people. In other cadres of society that is called being a "violent alcoholic" and generally looked down upon.

The fight was even on all counts and may have raged for years and years if it weren't the appearance of a unifying force that took away vast members of both sides. That force was called Radiohead. They had been around but had gained a following in 1996 with their album Ok Computer. Radiohead incorporated many aspects of both sides. They were edgy and there was sometimes yelling so the Post-Punk Bros could respect them. At the same time they were chill and soothing so the Dave Matthews Band liked them. Radiohead didn't discriminate- wear Sandles or tattoos- all were welcome. What really made Radiohead triumph over the ongoing Bro War was how good they sounded while smoking marijuana- a drug all kinds of bros indulge in. Radiohead was also favored by a smaller-but-growing faction of bros called the Video Game Bros. They liked it because it reminded them of Super Mario music- which for some reason they love. For a time there was peace. A peace so bros of all kinds could attend Radiohead concerts.

That is when Trent Reznor began his campaign to be King of All Bros. He had music similar to Radiohead in that it was electronic but with notable differences. Reznor was a talented man, with the ability to play many instruments. He also came off as "less gay" than Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke- a man with whom no Bro could really identify with. Trent Reznor founded industrial rock music group called Nine Inch Nails which he was the sole member. Boy, he was awesome. All bros loved him! He was talented and cool and they could see theirselves in him a little bit. Not just Dave Matthews Band Bros who loved his synthy hits that enhanced the general smoking of marijuana, but also the Post-Punk Bros who loved his face-pounding hardcore industial rock. He also gained an audience of Lesser Bros such as the Metalhead Bros, the Nerd Bros, the Video Game Bros and also people who weren't even bros at all! The greatest accomplishment of Reznor and arguebly his solidification as King was his alliance in 2002 with Grand Master of the First Bros- Johnny Cash. When Cash covered Reznor's song "Hurt" Reznor was legitimized as a musician and public figure in all spheres. Not only the Bro sphere but the cultural sphere of America. And so Reznor rose and in 2011 he won an Oscar for scoring an award-winning film.

While Dave Matthews and Kurt Cobain are viewed as cultural icons of a day and age- Reznor has gained notoriety even with the Bougie-Class of the Millionaire Movie Stars. At the same time he can remain "cool" with the Post-Punk bros. Somehow, Trent Reznor has marketed himself as a Genius. Nobody knows how but he has done it. It is a feat of propaganda and publicity but Reznor has done it. That is why, at the publication of this article, Trent Reznor is the King of the Bros. For how long nobody can tell. These things can't be predicted as, say, the weather.

What does this mean for the rest of society? What does it mean for you? Perhas it is a unification between classes. Both the bougoisie and the lower casses of Bro can appreciate Reznor. Perhaps this will lead to a peace in the cultural sphere of America. Perhaps. The only obstacle Reznor has now is to win over the female gender. None of which understand Nine Inch Nails because, just, why? Just why? But that is another conversation for another article. Trent Reznor is King. Basically it's this: swear fealty- or be uncool.

(** Addendum: Dave Matthews Band Bros are not to be confused with Sports Bros. If you like sports it does not make you a sandals wearing, jam band bro. Perhaps a Sports Bro and a Dave Matthews Band bro will play a game or two of Madden together but the Sports Bros remain impartial. They share characteristics with both bros. Like the Dave Matthews Band bros they may be a part of a frat and like Madden. Like the Post-Punk Bros they like punching other people in the face. They remain neutral in the Bro Wars.)

Philosophy: Nobody Cares

Nobody cares about philosophy. Oh wow, nobody cares. Nobody cares at all. If they say they care they are lying because not one person cares about philosophy. They say they care because they are one massive, gigantic, humongous tools who listens to Boards of Canada and cried at the end of The English Patient. They are that person and society doesn't care about them- just like how society doesn't care about philosophy.

The misconception that people actually care about philosophy has run rampart for far too long. Since the beginning of recorded history. It started with Socrates and him thinking people actually cared about what he thought. To illustrate this point I tried to read the Socrates Wikipedia entry but I fell asleep while reading it so there you go- that's that. Virtue and knowledge and arguments about nothing? He even said "I only know that I know nothing." What the fuck does that even mean!? On top of that, why should anyone even care about how Socrates knows nothing? You know what Socrates did all day? Socrates lounged on the steps of the Parthenon spouting nonsense to a bunch of middle-aged white guys with their dicks out. That's it. You know, Socrates probably had some kid out there, some wife, maybe a dog and a nice big front yard, hey maybe his grandfather lives there too! Sounds like a great life, right? Except there's one problem. A toddler walks up to his mother and says "Where's daddy?" He asks with those big blue eyes shining with unshed tears. She wraps him up in her arms and said "Daddy's not coming back, baby, daddy's not coming back."

What comes next is the people in Athens thought it was all such bullshit that they put Socrates to death. That's how little they cared about what he thought, they cared it drove them to homicide.

Socrates is dead! That was that- no more philosophy and things went back to normal and people went on living their lives without examining what their lives really meant or something.

Except not! Except people wrote everything they said down and talked about it all the time. What the fuck, people? Why do you do this to the world? I don't understand why you build schools to train people to be pretentious tools nobody likes. If I wanted to hang out with pretentious tools nobody likes I would go to a Bright Eyes concert, I don't want to have to see them at school. Why does the university I attend have to be a training ground for obnoxious dickwads? Explain that to me.

Solution? Package away all self-professed philosophers and ship them someplace nobody likes. Like Detroit. Or Canada. This is America. This country was founded on the basis of not giving a shit about philosophy. You know why the pilgrims left England on the Mayflower all those years ago? Because they were sick of self-righteous, pretentious tools nobody liked telling them what to do and what to believe. The only philosopher worth anything, William James, had only one thing to say: Choose whatever philosophy you want and then chill out about it. It's all chill, bros! Let's have a beer! He definitely said something like that, and you know what? He's right. If I have to listen to one more person discuss what the nature of 2+2 is then I will go on a murdering spree. Who cares what the nature of virtue is. Jesus. This is a real conversation I participated in with my philosophy class last year:

BIG TOOL IN CLASS: You know there's a 2000 page proof on why 2+2=4.

ME: (sniggers.)

TEACHER: What, Kate?

ME: That sounds like a colossal waste of time.

TEACHER: Why do you say that?

ME: Because it's useless. It's a useless document.

TEACHER: You used an interesting word there, Kate. Useless. What is the nature of that word, do you think? What is useless? What constitutes what is use-full as it was and what is use-less.

UGH. JUST UGH. Nobody cares. Not one person. Go away and leave us all be.

An Open Letter to NFL Quarterbacks

Dear NFL Quarterbacks,

Why are every single one of you idiots? Is it because of the concussions and the consistently getting hit in the face and knocked on the ground in a heap of overweight defensive linemen? Is that it? Because you guys parade around doing such stupid shit, and it's not just one of you. It's all of you. So, here you go, NFL quarterbacks, on the day after the Super Bowl my message is this: Stop being so fucking stupid.

1. Aaron Rodgers

Dear Aaron, good job winning the Super Bowl! That was awesome. Then the NFL gave you a super gay shiny red car. That's pretty cool too. You can prowl around in that supes cute brand new cherry red Camaro and catcall bitches. And then those said bitches will be certain of your large penis. As if they weren't certain after you won the Super Bowl, they are now, you dog you. This is a great week for Aaron Rogers penis! Now, everyone knows it's better than Brett Favre's penis. You are totally able to have sex with whoever you want to. Yet you pick Vanessa from Gossip Girl. Vanessa. The worst celebrity ever. She looks like Eli Manning except with longer hair and skimpier clothes. You could have had anyone, Aaron, anyone. This is inexcusable. That is why you are my first example of quarterbacks who make poor decisions. You represent their proclivity to bang annoying celebrities. If you're going to bang a celebrity (which is a bad idea, think Tony Romo circa dating Jessica Simpson. He just sucked.) then at least have it be a decent celebrity. Like, hm, maybe somebody on Law and Order? Not Gossip Girl? Want better advise? Just date a model. Much hotter and much less annoying. Models don't say much, they just look awesome. That is why Tom Brady won MVP- because his wife is Gisele Bundchen and I'm pretty sure she doesn't speak English- she just bangs him and makes him sandwich after sandwich. Would Jessica Szohr do that? No, she would just smell like farts and drunk cry about how her dad beat her and didn't love her why did he never love her? Boo.

2. Mark Sanchez

Mark Sanchez, you are a beautiful man thing. I made you the background of my brother's computer once and he didn't change it because even straight men know you are a beautiful man thing. You aren't even a man, you are a beautiful work of art sent down by the gods in heaven for the good deeds of Mother Teresa. You could be anything. You could be president. I would vote for you for president. Even if I found out that you were illiterate I would still vote for you because good looks are more important than smarts. Yet, you do things to piss me off. It's all just very sad. I just have one question, Mark. You could have sexual intercourse with whoever you want to and you choose a seventeen year-old girl? Why? That's just a lack of judgement. A poor lack in judgement. I know teenage girls are hot and all but you can still a bang a teenage girl who isn't in high school anymore! Mark Sanchez, if the NFL fines you for this (which they probably will because the NFL hates all fun) then you deserve it. You could have sex with whoever you want to! Whoever! Ugh! I don't want to have to get a fake ID that says I'm 17 to bang you.

3. Ben Roethlisberger, you made the same mistake as Mark Sanchez except for one distinction. You probably couldn't have sex with whoever you wanted. You're an incredible quarterback but you also kind of look like a Neanderthal.

See Figure 1.1:

You see what I mean? While this is no means a deal breaker, I'm sure roughly 65% of women would still have sex with you because you have won three Super Bowls (although not yesterday's) there is still a good 35% who wouldn't bang you because you look like Ambomidable Snowman. Don't worry though, Ben, you showed them. You're totally richer than anybody who may think you look like a mentally-challenged Big Foot! And, being a quarterback, you are basically an American Hero. So, don't feel bad. That being said... I know you may have some lingering insecurities from before you were an NFL quarterback millionaire. When you were an awkward teen at Big Foot Junior High. Maybe that is why you sometimes date rape girls. I don't know! I don't know the mind of someone who sometimes gets girls slobbering, vomiting drunk and then attempts to have sex with them. Maybe there is a deep, underlying reason that has to do with your mother or father or walking in on your uncle having sex with a twelve year-old boy- I don't know! What I do know is that you shouldn't do that. Partly, because it is slimy. Partly, because it is against the law. But mainly because you really don't have to do that to have sex with women. There is still that 65%. There is some girl out there who will soberly (or tipsy, that's okay) give herself up to you. It will be great and there's a decent shot she'll be attractive. So, whether it be in the bathroom of a TGI Friday's or in your mansion- you don't have to slip anything into women's drinks to have sex with them. In fact, if you keep doing that you may fall out of favor with Mike Tomlin. Then with the NFL. Then nobody will want you. Where will your millions and American Hero status go after that? Arena football? Who will have sex with you then? That 65% will dwindle substantially. Don't let that happen, Ben. Get a therapist, work through your problems, stop pounding painfully drunk chicks and keep playing football!

4. Michael Vick

Michael Vick, You run very fast and that's so cool! But then you kill dogs! Don't kill dogs! Putting the moral reasons aside, you know how much PETA is going to bug you for the rest of your life? If PETA started throwing blood on me I would not be very happy at all. That would be so annoying. PETA is so annoying and they will keep bothering you. Just don't fight dogs. People don't like that. It makes you look like kind of a prick. You went to prison though so I guess you learned your lesson. Just run very fast. People will forget about the dog thing. Then maybe one day you can get a puppy and you can name him Yoshi and you and Yoshi will have grand old times and you can rough-house (but in a fun, playful puppy/human way, not a Spike Lee way) and have long walks on the beach and hopefully Yoshi won't die in a barn somewhere covered in the blood of a Great Dane and thirteen Vietnamese gangsters. Hopefully.

5. Brett Favre, Point end case.

LEAVE BRETT FAVRE ALONE

I didn't want to post this because I, for the most part, am against sexual harassment in the workplace. If a dude I worked for sent me pictures of his penis I'd probably want to pin a lawsuit on him too. That being said, I wouldn't wait four plus years to cash in. Also- I probably wouldn't attempt to sue if said client was a professional athlete and I was a massage therapist. Finally, I also probably wouldn't if that same professional athlete has been sued for the same crime just a few months ago and has been under constant criticism and scrutiny for said crime for the past six months. When I first found out about Brett Favre's dick pix I was enthralled. Brett Favre is obnoxious and this is funny and his dick is small and that is delightful. But now. Now. I am fucking sick and tired of people suing Brett Favre. I'm sick and tired of reading about Brett Favre. I'm sick and tired of thinking about Brett Fave. I am just sick and tired. And I know I am not the only one. So now it is up to me to make a plea to the masses- LEAVE BRETT FAVRE ALONE.




I want to start off by saying this: So a professional athlete sent you a picture of his dong? As if that hasn't happened before? Isn't it more funny than anything else? It's pretty funny! That'd be the highlight of at least my week. Talk about a story for cocktail parties! But say you don't have a sense of humor. Say that's the truth. Well, honestly, if you decide that you want to be a massage therapist for professional athletes you should be aware that they're most-likely going to try to bang you. Because if there is anything anybody knows about professional athletes they are insanely narcissistic overpaid bros with too much testosterone and an overwhelming sense of an entitlement. That's just a given. So, if you decide massage therapy for the NFL is the life for you, then you should be aware of the hazards of working with such a breed of douchebag. It's unfair, yes, but that's just how the world is.

Secondly, I hate this trend of suing anybody and everybody who pisses you off. I love America but I hate this part of America. A law suit is supposed to be if a person incurred damages toward you as a direct result of said person's actions and the situation demands equitable remedy for said damages. Or something. Basically, a lawsuit is about bringing justice to a crime someone has comitted toward you. Ideally, it's not really about money it's about upholding the law and bringing justice to the guilty. Yes, you should be recompensated for damages but in theory it's about upholding the law.

Unfortunately, all anybody cares about is money. I'm sure that's what this massage therapist wants. I, on the other hand, am of the position that Brett Favre has paid the price for all of his wanton sexual deviancy. If there is any person I would not like to be right now- it is Brett Favre. I would not be Brett Favre for all the money in the world. The man has been humiliated before the entire world! His pathetic voicemails and pictures of his tiny wrinkled penis can be viewed at any time by anyone. Whenever I type in "brett favres dick" into Google, the first 100 results link me to pictures of his dick. Isn't that punishment enough? What if that happened to you? What if when you walked down the street every single person knew of your worst indescresions? That'd be horrible! I mean, the guy has had an incredible twenty-year career but what are we talking about at the close of such an impressive NFL career? How much of an pervy asshole he is. And sometimes about his methhead sister. If you wanted justice for Brett Favre taking advantage of you then let me be the first one to tell you- justice has been served. Let's say life was the 2004 film Mean Girls and Brett Favre was Regina George, then these women would be the poor little Lindsay Lohan character. Well, guess what- Brett Favre just got hit by the metaphorical bus of the internet, and you're popular again!

What I'm trying to say, victims of Brett Favre's penis is this- Celebrate! Go out and treat yourself to some expensive shoes and go out for a night on the town with your girlfriends! Celebrate girl power because girl power won out here. Brett Favre is a sad, imasculated fool reduced to crying in public because of harassing you. Yeah, that's right, you. Do you think Brett Favre is going to text any more pictures of his dick to massage therapists? Yeah, I thinkl he learned his lesson there. You don't need a gossip blog or a lawsuit to confirm that you have won- you just have. You already have. And you'll know that forever. And so will all of us. Women 1: Brett Favre: 0.

In conclusion- leave Brett Favre alone. I know sexual harassment is wrong and so does everybody else. Let Favre hobble back to whence he came and allow him the last little shred of dignity he may have. Allow him to go fall down in a heap of his own feces in some podunk corner of Mississippi as he takes perscription Xanax and watches reruns of the Golden Girls. Allow him that. Because, like I said, justice has been served.