I'm Sick of this Obesity Problem

That's right people. America has an obesity problem. I don't have any statistics on hand and when I went to go look for them I got bored so I'm just going to make some up- 77% of Americans are overweight. Wanna know another one? 100% of Americans are awesome. That's right. Everybody wants to move to America, that's why we have millions of Mexicans stuffing themselves into cargo holds in Wal-Mart trucks. Because they want to be here too. Because America is awesome. Yes, we're obese. But that doesn't mean we're not happy. I'm going to address some of the fat people haters in the world. Which is on par with hating black people- also a fact.









1.
I'm sick of magazines like America Diet Today and Anorexia Weekly spewing articles like "Combat Fat by Eating Almonds!" or "Is Summer Grilling Harming Your Health." IS SUMMER GRILLING HARMING MY HEALTH? ARE YOU SERIOUS? The point is, if you want to be skinny, be skinny, but almonds will not engage in the Battle of Normandy with your fat cells.

2.
Today I came across a blog written by a really angry vegan condemning people for getting free burgers from Whataburger as part of their 60th anniversary promotion. One particularly condescending passage is as follows:

"For example, say you decided on a BBQ Cheddar Burger for your “free” meal, that bad boy contains 1050 calories—good God have mercy, 560 calories from fat, 170 mg of cholesterol and 2017 mg sodium. Somebody hook these poor customers up with a free blood pressure, cholesterol and heart stress test."

Last time I heard, America is a free country, and if I choose to eat a BBQ Cheddar Burger than I am going to damn well do it. Not only that but I'm going to kidnap the dude who wrote that blog from his home, handcuff him to a Whataburger table and make him watch me eat every last bit of that delicious but also satisfying slice of Heaven. And it will be awesome. Because food is awesome. I don't know when the world started getting off on not eating but it's the saddest thing that has ever happened to this country. I even know skinny people who want to bulk up and I tell them "The only way you're going to do it is if you eat red meat" and then they just buy an overpriced glorified protein shake mix and drink eight glasses a day despite how utterly disgusting it is.

That's another thing. How do people like the author of thisdishisvegetarian.com get off on condemning people for eating free food. That vegan Whole Foods crap is at least twice the price of normal food. These are hard times we've fallen on, you can't just turn down a free meal because it has a few ingredients you can't pronounce. That's just how the world works. Food has weird chemicals in it, it's not like it's a secret. Get over it.

3.

Fat kids are awesome. You think this kid is unhappy? No. He's the happiest kid in the world.
























Obesity is only a problem because it's a goto word to make insecure skinny people feel better about themselves. The fat people didn't do anything to anybody. Yeah, being healthy is important, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. So leave fat people alone, okay? If it makes people happy to be fat than so be it. Fat is not a bad word. This culture of Self Magazine whatthefuck has created more trouble than it's worth. You know what. I'm going to eat my Big Mac Value Meal and I'm going to be proud of it. Continue having your protein shakes and five dollar vegan imitation egg beaters. I don't give a fuck, and you shouldn't either.