On Glenn Beck

We all know the hour between five and six on Fox is just Glenn Beck standing there saying "anti-government" a lot and try to defend himself ("The Liberals say this is all a conspiracy theory!" , "They say anti-government is a conspiracy theory because they're misinformed." , "I PROMISE YOU THIS IS NOT A CONSPIRACY THEORY.") or using the word czar way too much ("Barack Obama's diversity czar" , "New anti-free speech government czar"). But there's so much more to Glenn Beck.

Firstly, GLENN BECK IS TRYING TO BUY YOUR DEAD GRANDMA'S GOLD NECKLACE!!!!!!!

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Every single commercial break has one commercial for Goldline. Glenn Beck wants my gold and he wants it now. He is hungry for my gold. He is hungry for your gold. He will exhume your dead grandmother's coffin and pry her jewelry off her cold dead fingers. The question is? Why does Glenn Beck want our gold? I have wondered this since that cold, dark morning some fifteen years ago when Glenn Beck robbed my mother at gunpoint for her wristwatch (Her cries of "No Glenn, it's not real gold! It's from CVS! IT'S FROM CVS!!!!!!" fell on deaf ears.) until the answer appeared to me quite suddenly... on Facebook.

He needs funding for his modeling career:












































What!!?!??? I don't see Glenn Beck using puppets to smear communists, liberals, socialists, etc. I see glamor shots. Lots and lots of glamor shots. So, just know when you invest in goldline you're investing in Glenn Beck's modeling career.

2. Glenn Beck just wants in Sarah Palin's pants. You know he sports a raging boner for her. You know where Glenn Beck is right now? He is sitting in a darkened Gainsville, Florida motel room watching a bootleg copy of famous Sarah Palin look alike Lisa Ann in popular porno Nailin' Palin.

3. Speaking of Nailin' Palin. Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are having a rally in Anchorage, Alaska on September 11th. You know what they're charging? Between 65 and 115 dollars a pop. Hell Yeah! That's the true American thing to do, Glenn, cash in on 9/11.

So, all in all, Glenn Beck's motives are not what he seems. He doesn't want to promote a fiscally-conservative, socio-political movement throught the nation. He doesn't want to deport your Mexican neighbor. He doesn't want to eliminate all gun laws. He doesn't want to downsize government. He doesn't want to erradicate stimulus plans. He doesn't want to reduce personal income tax. He doesn't want to make the rich richer. He doesn't want to make abortion illegal. He just wants to model.