I'll Take Care of You, Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I want to start off this letter by saying that I am a HUGE fan. I absolutely love Mean Girls (Like that part when the Santa Claus hands out all those candy-canes and he says "Glenn Coco? FOUR FOR YOU, GLEN COCO! You go Glenn Coco." Brings the house down every time. I know you weren't in that scene but still.) I have followed your career since I was a wee little girl watching Parent Trap and thinking you were the Olsen Twins and just dyed your hair and drew on freckles. That's besides the point. The point is- I love you. I love your work. I think you're not unattractive. So. Lets talk.

When you grew up into the dainty lady you are today- you started going to bars and partying and I was like O.K. this is what any young girl who grew up in the Hollywood sphere would do, a little drinking here and there. Well, you took that and you ran with it, Lindsay. While a Tuesday night used to be having a few drinks with Paris Hilton and going home around 2ish. A Tuesday night turned into you passing out in some 40 year-old man named Chip's bathroom who may-or-may-not be paparazzi with a needle lodged somewhere between your wrist and elbow. So then I was like O.K. little weird but whatever. Then you got arrested and I was like "Oh, Lindsay what have you done to yourself?"

It's totally fine to shoot up heroin and snort coke simultaneously in some bathroom at a TGI Fridays. In fact it is a little impressive you are physically able to do that. However, it is quite a different situation to be in jail with all the normal folk for drugs. Normal people! Un-famous people! Come on, Lindsay, you need to pull yourself together. I mean not because you were ever a role-model for kids. That is just laughable. Even when you were young you were in a movie where you deceived your parents just because you thought it would be funny. Wanna know where your mom in that movie is now? Dead. Yep. Dead. Then, even after THAT, you got big boobs and wanted to show them to everyone. And then you did. So, all in all, I'm not telling you to pull yourself together because you were once upon a time a role model for young children. HAH. I'm doing it because you are intermingling with D-Listers.

Lindsay, you are not a D-Lister! You are an A-Lister! You don't need to be in the parking lot of a Costco lying in your own urine mumbling lines from Herbie Fully Loaded in a drug induced catatonic stupor. You need to be a movie star and maybe even a Scientologist. Huh? Huh?? Right? Doing coke the day you get out of jail is not going to do that. And it's not even that you did coke. That's whatever- who cares. It's just that every self-respecting drug addict knows that when you are in danger of failing a drug test you drink eight gallons of cran-apple juice to wash out your system. Didn't you go to high school, Lindsay? Oh. Wait. Right.

So, I've taken it upon myself to take you in as a charity project. I mean Dina Lohan is obviously an unfit parent and a little bit of a bitch- no offense, Lindsay, but she is. Also, you're a 24 year-old millionaire. Why is your mom even taking care of you? Shouldn't you pay someone for that? I won't even accept money! This is totally probono. Listen, Lindsay, I know how hard it is to be addicted to cocaine. I can lock you in a room with the Basketball Diaries playing over-and-over for 37 hours. I can bring you cucumber water you will soon vomit out of your nose on 4,000 count Egyptian sheets. I can be the one to hold your hair back as you vomit on those sheets! I'll make sure Ali doesn't try to steal your spotlight while you're gone by kidnapping her and dropping her off in the middle of Death Valley with nothing but a bottle of Vitamin Water and a hair pin. I'll be that source who tells US Weekly "You know I was worried about Lindsay, but now, not things are better." Okay, so I might take money for that and spend it on an eightball and a fifth of whiskey, but I will not do any of that around you. I will do it at least in the other room. OMG. This is going to be so much fun! I will take care of you, Lindsay. I will make you better! I will be your sailboat during the storm. Or something. I don't know- we'll hire someone to think of a better metaphor.

But, really I'm only doing this to serve my 300 hours of community service for my own DIY. See ya soon, LiLo!

10 Reasons Why My Taste In Music Is Better Than Yours

Based on my last.fm feed from the last seven days.

1. Pavement

I don't know if you've heard but Pavement sold out their shows at Central Park a year in advance in two minutes. Two minutes! Pavement is like hanging out with these dudes you really like but you're kind of sure are way too cool for you and for some reason they're hanging out with you anyway. They're so cool that even though they know this dichotomy exists they don't really care and spent the night drinkin some brewskis with you anyway. These are the dudes Billy Corgan cries himself asleep to every night. If that doesn't sell you, I don't know what will.

2. Sex Bob-omb

This is off the Scott Pilgrim vs. the World soundtrack. This is Michael Cera's fictional band in the movie. Before you laugh me off the blogosphere, hear me out. Beck wrote all the music for Michael Cera's fictional band. NOT MICHAEL CERA. ATTN NOT MICHAEL CERA. Beck is a musical genius. And a Scientologist. And we all know Scientology is the path of the righteous one. Summertime is a bitchin song.

See? Pretty bitchin' right? Beck is pretty cool.

3. Yo La Tengo

I love Yo La Tengo. They're one of my favorite bands. If there is anything I love it is elderly Jewish people playing killer guitar solos. However, the only reason this is on my most played this week is because the other night I fell asleep to my iPod the other night and it went into a loop for nine hours.

4. Justin Bieber

Ah, Justin Bieber. The apple of my eye. If I ever met Justin Bieber I would definitely buy him a pack of Cool Ranch Doritos. How does that sound Justin? Pretty wicked, am I right? How can you not love Justin Bieber? He is a complete sweetheart. He's just a sixteen year-old kid who loves junk food and is a lil' bit of a prankster. He also just happens to be incredibly famous. How is that his fault, huh? Leave Justin alone! Also, that "Runaway Love" song IS THE SHIT!!

5. Okkervil River

My favorite people from Austin. Great lyricists. Twangy tunes. Whatever. We all know there is only one thing I can say to convince you guys that this band is awesome: at Bonnaroo after the Okkervil River set Bruce Springsteen came up to lead singer Will Sheff and shook his hand. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN SHOOK WILL SHEFF'S HAND! When Bruce Springsteen acknowledges you as a person it means you are worthwhile.

6. Arcade Fire

So, Arcade Fire has been around roughly for a decade. And they have not produced one bad song. Arcade Fire has produced three superb albums. Each one better than the last. The last of the Indie Star Champs. Wolf Parade has been around for five years and have made one excellent album and two shitty ones.

7. 8. 9. 10. Bon Iver, Conor Oberst, Elvis Perkins and Real Estate aren't actually bands I really like. It just came up from that night I fell asleep with the iPod running.

Some Notes:

If you say that you never listened to the Death Cab for Cutie album "Transatlantacism" you are lying. If anybody tells you they never listened to the Death Cab for Cutie album "Transatlantacism" they are lying. Everyone listened to that shit. I can go find your myspace from five years ago and show you where you posted their lyrics in a blog. For example, here is 15 Year old Kate Shapiro's Myspace Blog:

Jesus, I was so cool. What happened to me? I'm so lame now. Anyway, I'm not here to lament my backwards progress in personal growth, my point is- you listened to Death Cab for Cutie.

So last (but not least) Bruce Springsteen. Ah, Bruce. Bruce embodies everything I love about the world. America, rock music and the 4th of July. Bruce Springsteen wrote a song about the 4th of July. My favorite holiday of all time. How can you not like the Fourth of July? The entire holiday is dedicated to sitting by the pool/going to your lakehouse, day drinking, grilling and reckless waterskiing. Oh, yeah, AND SHOOTING GIANT BALLS OF FIRE INTO THE AIR! Those are pretty much every single one of my favorite activities. And Bruce Springsteen knows that. He doesn't need fancy-smancy effect equalizers to make awesome music. He just takes the spirit of everything everybody in the USA loves and makes kickass songs out of them. Man, I pledge allegiance to America and also to Bruce Springsteen.

I could go on for longer. All you need to know is everything I have just said here is substantiated by everyone from Kanye West to Tom Cruise.

How The Tea Party Can Update It's Image To Be Like Way Cooler

I was watching critically-acclaimed, most-boring-morning-show-ever Fox & Friends this morning when I came across a realization. Not a very original realization but a realization none the less. The Tea Party look like a bunch of idiots! They are so not in touch with my generation. Come on, The Tea Party has 3,632 twitter followers. Barack Obama has 5,474,656 followers. See the difference? Lame. I don’t look at anybody’s Twitter with less than 5,000 followers. The Tea Party look like a bunch of redneck hicks. Not hip at all! Totally lame! However. I then came across another realization- the Tea Party have a lot of money. Like, a lot. So, this is my pitch to the Tea Party on how they can reach a younger audience.

1. Website design. Man. This website is so boring.

Fiscal responsibility. Yawn. I don't know what that is? And you know what? I don't care. I'm sure it's real and important blah blah blah. Whatever. Barack Obama got elected because he said change 1,000 times. I understand change. Change is catchy and easy to read. Fiscal responsibility. Bo-ring. My mom pays my cell phone bill, okay?
New Proposed Website Design:

Look at that! Wow! I am so interested! That's what I'm talking about! This is the Kanye West website but I think it'd be perfect for the Tea Party website. First off, there's a video of Kanye West carrying an unconscious girl from a huge explosion. An explosion! Sweet! See, for the Tea Party website maybe it could be Glenn Beck carrying an unconscious girl from a big explosion? Yeah? Also, there is a link for me to listen to a Justin Bieber song. I. Love. Justin. Bieber. And so does the rest of young America! Have you considered having Justin Bieber write a song for the Tea Party. Maybe a song for the Tea Party about fiscal responsibility? Maybe I'd think fiscal responsibility was less boring if it was a Justin Bieber song. This website is something that my generation understands, and maybe we'd think the Tea Party was a little bit... cooler if they emulated it.

2. Spokespeople

Okay. Do you really expect me to identify with this guy? Do you see what he's wearing?? Why would that man steal the American Flag from my lawn and drape it around his body. What is with the yellow and white baseball hat? He sort of looks like someone who would set my cat on fire and then make it into a lamp. Don't ask me how he would do it he just would.
New Spokesperson:

That’s right. Spokespeople! A tag team spokesperson team. First we have Justin Bieber, singer of the hugely popular fiscal responsibility song. Then we have, rap superstar- Drake. Drake can help bring in the black vote- which really, you’re lacking. If there’s one thing that my generation has taught the world. It’s that young black people are much, much cooler than old, white people. And old white people make up 100% of the Tea Party. Just think of the campaign Drake can start: “Last Name- Party, First name- Tea!” We could extend it into an LP. The Tea Party Mix Tape. It’d be huge. Huge! So throw out Glenn Beck/Sarah Palin and bring in Bieber/Drake.

That’s just a few of the ideas in my 3,556 page proposal on how to update the Tea party’s image to reach a younger audience. So, Tea Party, it’s time to hire me. Their Twitter followers would skyrocket. The Tea Party will explode all over pop culture just like Jersey Shore (some product placement, guys?). So, e-mail me at katemshapiro@gmail.com. My going rate is 10,000 dollars an hour.

Why Can't Hipsters Just Love Me Like I Love Them?

Today at the Pavement concert I learned something about myself and I'm not very pleased about it. I don't fit in with hipsters. They just plain don't like me. And it doesn't make sense because we have all the same things in common! We like the same things. We hate the same things. We're both ironic. I am so ironic! I just don't understand why they won't accept me. I want to be right there with them when they talk about "how totally lame" it was when Jenny Lewis covered Minor Threat. One hipster said to another "It's like Sesame Street covering Black Flag." Hahahaha! Why can't I be there with you laughing. Why can't I talk about which Pavement album is my favorite? I can talk about it. I can talk to you about Russian literature. It will be awesome. I just want to be popular and well-liked and apparently this is the way to do it. Please accept me into your cadre. We can all join hands and look down on everyone together. I understand that you hipsters have standards and there is no such thing as a free lunch so I'll give you a couple of reasons to let me in.

1. My music taste is just like yours! Like identical. Look! I have proof!

Look at that! That's so hip. It's unbearably hip. It's topped with Yo La Tengo who are three middle aged Jews playing rock music. If that's not hip I don't know what is. You know who would be proud of this chart? Pitchfork. From my exhausting study on the Hipster I know that Pitchfork Media is somewhat of a demigod to the hipster. It is like the Bible. The Koran. It is hipster lore that Michael Stipe wrote the very first post before ascending to the Heavens from the Dome of the Rock.

(If you looked at the artists this week then... Look, I can explain. My preference for Justin Bieber is almost ironic. It's almost there. I only genuinely like him a little bit. Okay, like 50%. Okay. 75%. You got me. But, listen, I have a contingency plan if this Justin Bieber love is ever found out and it goes as so- I'll just lie about it. My research has told me that it is cool for hipsters to have "issues" and for one of those "issues" to be a "sociopath" and "sociopaths" are "pathological liars." That can be my thing! It's like the next best thing to having "Asperger's Syndrome." I can lie a lot! Like so much that it's endearing! It's the problem that humanizes me. It puts me on the same level with everyone around me. I can be a self-tormented pathologically lying artist. I'll be like Kurt Cobain, it'll be awesome.)

2. I own things from American Apparel. I own things from vintage stores. I own many pairs of leggings. I own plaid. I own shirts and jackets in dark blues and greens. I own Cowboy boots. I own these things. You know what I do when I wear them? I go sit in bookstores that AREN'T Barnes and Noble and drink free trade coffee and read anarchist literature. What do you think about that, assholes? Yeah. I said assholes. Wanna know why? Because I stand up for my beliefs. My super important beliefs. Like net neutrality! And cops! I have opinions! They're super free trade. (PLEASE LIKE ME.)

3. I come from a upper middle class Jewish family but I don't like to talk about it. Yeah, man. Who wants to talk about money? Money is evil. If it was my choice I wouldn't have a cell phone because I don't want to be dependent on technology. But unfortunately the times call for one. So I do. It's an iPhone.

4. I know! An iPhone! Just like you! We can play Words with Friends. It'll be awesome. But, like, don't get the wrong idea- I don't like talking about material things. I'm more into existentialism. If it wasn't for the constraints of society I would be on a farm right now reading Thoreau, growing my own grapefruit and not giving a shit. Not that I'm a vegan. I'm not. Ew. Hippies. Am I right? I love dead animals and beer. I'm getting a deer head for my room. It's ironic.

5. I'm white.

So, there you have it. I think I would be a great addition to your hipster group of friends. There isn't much to not like. So, invite me to your next hipster event. I'll bring the PBR. Ha. Ha. PLEASE ACCEPT ME.

On Glenn Beck

We all know the hour between five and six on Fox is just Glenn Beck standing there saying "anti-government" a lot and try to defend himself ("The Liberals say this is all a conspiracy theory!" , "They say anti-government is a conspiracy theory because they're misinformed." , "I PROMISE YOU THIS IS NOT A CONSPIRACY THEORY.") or using the word czar way too much ("Barack Obama's diversity czar" , "New anti-free speech government czar"). But there's so much more to Glenn Beck.

Firstly, GLENN BECK IS TRYING TO BUY YOUR DEAD GRANDMA'S GOLD NECKLACE!!!!!!!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Beck - Not So Mellow Gold
www.thedailyshow.com
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Every single commercial break has one commercial for Goldline. Glenn Beck wants my gold and he wants it now. He is hungry for my gold. He is hungry for your gold. He will exhume your dead grandmother's coffin and pry her jewelry off her cold dead fingers. The question is? Why does Glenn Beck want our gold? I have wondered this since that cold, dark morning some fifteen years ago when Glenn Beck robbed my mother at gunpoint for her wristwatch (Her cries of "No Glenn, it's not real gold! It's from CVS! IT'S FROM CVS!!!!!!" fell on deaf ears.) until the answer appeared to me quite suddenly... on Facebook.

He needs funding for his modeling career:












































What!!?!??? I don't see Glenn Beck using puppets to smear communists, liberals, socialists, etc. I see glamor shots. Lots and lots of glamor shots. So, just know when you invest in goldline you're investing in Glenn Beck's modeling career.

2. Glenn Beck just wants in Sarah Palin's pants. You know he sports a raging boner for her. You know where Glenn Beck is right now? He is sitting in a darkened Gainsville, Florida motel room watching a bootleg copy of famous Sarah Palin look alike Lisa Ann in popular porno Nailin' Palin.

3. Speaking of Nailin' Palin. Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are having a rally in Anchorage, Alaska on September 11th. You know what they're charging? Between 65 and 115 dollars a pop. Hell Yeah! That's the true American thing to do, Glenn, cash in on 9/11.

So, all in all, Glenn Beck's motives are not what he seems. He doesn't want to promote a fiscally-conservative, socio-political movement throught the nation. He doesn't want to deport your Mexican neighbor. He doesn't want to eliminate all gun laws. He doesn't want to downsize government. He doesn't want to erradicate stimulus plans. He doesn't want to reduce personal income tax. He doesn't want to make the rich richer. He doesn't want to make abortion illegal. He just wants to model.