I mean Barack Obama is great and all but come on, guys. How can he be President when there is a Spencer Pratt in the world?
If you don't know who Spencer Pratt is, which I highly doubt because Spencer Pratt is the most famous man on Earth (he gives Nelson Mandela a run for his money), Pratt is a reality TV superstar most famous for his stint as Heidi Montag's boyfriend and sometimes husband on MTV's smash hit (and award winning documentary) The Hills.
Aside from Hollywood fame though, Pratt is really a genius. He understands the needs of a first-world country like America in the twenty-first century. Currently Pratt is traveling from coast to coast to get a real feel for the hardworking blue-collar workers that make this country the most awesome place on Earth. Most of his trip has been spent doing charity (Just the other day he sent recently and wrongfully incarcerated Nicole "Snooki"Polizzi a jar of pickles and a $100 shirt that says "I love Snooki") but some of his trip has been spent doing important evaluations of American institutions. For example, on August 2, 2010 he tweeted "Just visited AREA 51. Frankly, wasn't that impressed." The US Army understands that Pratt needs to weigh in on national security so they gave him complete clearance to megasecret army base Area 51. Pratt was obviously not pleased with the level of diligence, innovation and security at the base and what's more, he shared that with us! The American People! When was the last time the government told us anything about what goes on in the world? Never! Not to mention anything that has to do with aliens! That shit has been under wraps. You see, when Spencer becomes president he's going to be open with us. Just as open to us about the state of affairs in our dear country as he was to Heidi about his feelings on LC.
Pratt is also somewhat of a daredevil. What do we look for in a president? Intelligence, charm, descisivness. Well, yeah, but what do we look for most? Courage. We want someone who will stand up for us, someone who would give their lives for us. Spencer is that man. Recently he spent a week long stint in shark infested waters. When asked why he would endanger himself in such a way by media outlets like CNN and Reuters he simply stated "I am going to try living underwater for the rest of the day." He is obviously conducting experiments to improve strategies for naval warfare to enhance national security. He did no complaining, he was not afraid. When asked of his experience he responded "DO NOT FORGET THE 3 DIMENSIONAL ASPECTS OF THE BATTLEFIELDS." Pentagon officials were astounded by this wisdom and immediately began revising the Afghani war stratagem.
As for Heidi Montag, their marriage was simply a tool for Pratt to expose himself to the world. Spencer knew he needed to be heard and courting Montag was simply the only way to do it. You may say his marriage is a sham, and if he lies to us about that what is to stop him from perjuring during his eight years of presidency? That's not true, Spencer loved Montag very much. It's just Montag was too vapid a young woman to understand his political ambitions. Pratt has stated many times that while he loves her, her predisposition to "hike and hang out and be calmer" coupled with her love for puppies is infringing on his selfless quest for world peace. Pratt needs to be heard! And he needs a First Lady who will stand by him 100%. Heidi Montag is not that woman. So, you see, they had to get divorced. It was the only way for Pratt to fully commit to the American people.
So, you see, Spencer Pratt has to be President. It's the only way we can continue on as a country. The great US of A will most certainly collapse if not under his guidance. If you still don't believe me, listen to this- It's a little known fact but before Pratt's appearance on the scene he spent seven years studying with Tibetan monks. That's right. The Dalai Lama. One of his favorite quotes is something he took away from his time with the Dalai Lama is this: "I live the YING and the YANG!" Yes, Spencer Pratt, you do. And through your experiences, from The Hills to the Himalayas- I know with all my heart that you are the right man for commander in cheif. Spencer Pratt for President 2012
For more information on Spencer Pratt:
Spencer's Website
Spencer's Twitter
Spencer's Myspace
You should write for SNL. They need good writers.
ReplyDelete