1. Beer. Ah, beer. The American staple. Made with wheat and the blood of the Native Americans, beer has been drunk for THOUSANDS of years. The perks of beer drunk is you probably won't throw up. You have to drink like 13 beers to throw up (unless you're a pussy- in which case, see #2). Beer also can be drank at many different speeds. You can shotgun beers (which is the best speed, it always ends in a guttural scream like you're a goddamn cowboy) or you can sip on them casually during an especially boring Monday Night Football game. It's the perfect staple. Everyone likes it. It's cheap. 40s. Problems with beer: Say you ate a Philly Cheesecake and you're like sooooooo full. It's physically impossible to drink a lot of beer. Then you're just sad, full and less drunk than the rest of the party. (Fact: Every time I encounter a bar where all drafts, even nice ones, are the same price I just go "Ah uh er BUD LIGHT.")
2. Wine. I'm not even going to TRY to be fair here. Wine is so stupid. People who drink wine are stupid, people who choose wine as a lifestyle are stupid. It's just a bougie thing to do and you know what happens to the bourgeoisie? JOSEPH STALIN. JOSEPH STALIN HAPPENS. If you choose to drink wine you'll end up either a.) drunk calling your mother or ex-boyfriend, or b.) wine has this tendency to convince you that you AREN'T drunk, just a terrific conversationalist (you're not), so you just drunk-drive and subsequently mow down seven kids on bikes.
3. Vodka. For some reason every teenager starts out their drinking career on flavored vodka. You went to the liquor store, paid a homeless man to buy you whatever you wanted and STILL ended up with Green Apple Smirnoff. Then what did you do? Cry. Because, fact: vodka is made from the distilled tears of Eastern Europeans. And also, fact: your boyfriend hooked up with your best friend so the only thing that could rectify it was drinking a fifth of vodka and saying things like "I THOUGHT HE LIKEEEDDDD ME." That's what your night out drinking vodka will be like. Also: date rape.
4. Whiskey. There is something inside whiskey that makes you want to punch people. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the sweat of Rambo or testosterone injections from some nameless soldier of fortune living in Nicoragua who kills apple farmers for sport. I don't know, what I do know is that drinking whiskey can only end in one way: VIOLENT EPISODES. Suddenly the most passing of offenses is the biggest fucking deal on the planet. Somebody runs into you as you're leaving the bar, you punch them in the face. Somebody tells you that they don't want to have sex with you because they have a girlfriend/boyfriend, you yell and scream at them until they cry. Sometimes this is great because if we all know it's better to be feared than loved but sometimes it gets you arrested which sucks.
5. Rum. Rum is the truth serum of all alcohol. It's the best lie detector out there. After six shots of rum you will tell everyone your deepest darkest secrets. About how you killed your pet dog and buried it out in the woods because you liked the taste of blood. That you fucked your boyfriend's uncle. That you are presently addicted to crack. All of these things will be revealed with just a little Captain Morgan.
6. Tequila. I won't lie. Either this:
or this:
