Deepwater Horizon: England's Boston Tea Party

For people who have been under a rock for the past few months or, more likely, don't care about any news that doesn't have anything to do with Lindsay Lohan (She's sober!) or Mel Gibson (He's not.) The oil well, Deepwater Horizon, exploded in the Gulf of Mexico in April. Consequently, millions upon millions gallons of oil leaked into the ocean. I know what your first reaction is, "The middle of the ocean? Who cares." but I have gained super-secret insider information. The owner of said oil well none other than British Petroleum (BP) and do you know what that means? Yep. They want America back. Well, guess what, you redcoat douchebags, you can't have it.

It's well known that the British never really got over the Revolutionary War. I mean, they discovered America. They named all the cities. New York? Well, old York is in England- and since old York is in England then New York belongs to them. It's only logical. At first everything was great. The Indians weren't a problem anymore which meant corn and tobacco for everyone. Corn, a new-fangled 1600s fad on par with modern day Ugg boots and those stupid Livestrong bracelets, was sweeping the globe. British was raking in the dough and doing some mad taxation without representation. The Colonies were a cash cow and everything was awesome.
Until a couple American assholes decided they wanted rights and drafted a Decleration of Independence. Boring. Lame. Stupid. The British army would just crush them, right? Wrong. America got France to help them and finally the British army in the colonies was done away with. France. You always think they're on your side until they aren't anymore.

It's still whatever. British comes back for Round 2: The War of 1812, but it turns out that not only was the British Army crushed AGAIN but the stupid Americans wrote a stupid national anthem that- in so many words- called the British a bunch of sissies. So, Britian retreated back to Europe (where they belong) and recited poetry or whatever they were do over there, biding their time until 2010.

So, the stage is set, it's April 2010. It's been roughly two hundred years since the British were humiliated in the War of 1812. Mostly everyone has forgotten about it. Now the British and the Americans get along fairly well, whenever there's an American war the British will help out- for a little bit at least. Everything is going swimmingly, right? Yeah. That's what America thinks.

BP, a dummy corporation created by five British loyalists who yearn for a return of the old Empire, makes it's move. BP oil well, Deepwater Horizon, explodes due to a "a geyser of seawater erupted from th marine riser onto the rig, shooting 240 ft (73 m) into the air. This was soon followed by the eruption of a slushy combination of mud, methane gas, and water. The gas component of the slushy material quickly transitioned into a fully gaseous state and then ignited into a series of explosions and then a firestorm." A geyser of seawater? Nice explanation, BP, you really expect us to believe that? This is obviously an attack on America. You put your oil well in OUR gulf, off OUR shore, and then it explodes? Sounds awfully fishy, British Petroleum. If that's your real name.

You may say, "Why would BP want to do this, they're losing hundreds of billions of dollars by exploding this oil well." Well, hundreds of millions of dollars is a small price to pay for dignity. You may also say, which you have said again and again in the past "It's in the middle of the ocean!"

The middle of the ocean, huh, let me remind you of something that America did to England back in 1773. America dumped 342 chests of tea into the "middle of the ocean." You may remember from US History class that this event was called the Boston Tea Party, and that it was executed because of the high tea tax England imposed on America. Well, this is England's Boston Tea Party. To England, tea is like gold. Tea is like petroleum. Tea is sacrosanct, it's above holy water in the holy scale of liquids. The minute those chests hit that harbor, it was all out war for the rest of time. Yeah, it's been a while, England, but this is truly a clever attack.

Question? How does the blue-collar American worker fill up his Ford F-150 every morning to go to work at the hog farm/factory/etc? That's right, oil. You know where 643 quadrillion gallons of that oil is. The shores of Galveston. Covering a sea turtle. Destroying the marsh lands. Making it, like, really hard to swim on the coast of Alabama. Lowering property values along the Florida shore. This is all out war here, the British want revenge for making them look like sissies and destroying their tea. They are hungry for someone's head on a spike atop the Deepwater Horizon. Who's head will that be? The metaphorical head of this beautiful beast we call America? Barack Obama has been stern with the mega corporation but he doesn't understand the true danger we Americans are really in. We have to fight back! Yes, the British plugged the leak, but it took them ninety days. Ninety days to figure out "Hey maybe if we plug this hole it will stop leaking. Good idea, bros!" Yeah, sounds like a clever ruse to me. They want to look innocent, they want to fight this war covertly. They want to grow in leaps and bounds before they can claim what was once theirs. 61 billion dollars means nothing next to a new, reimagined Empire. The British are back, and they're ready to tango.

Help fight this terrible, terrible country who is %100 ready to bum everyone out.