Your Guide to Alcohol and Subsequent Drunkenness

Your choice of alcohol can change the course of the entire night. Did you think that alcohol was alcohol and the only thing that changed significantly between types was the taste? Well you're wrong, stupid and misinformed! Spirits (I still don't know how to spell liquor correctly, it will always be in the same class as embarrassed which I will never for the life of me learn how to spell) are all forms of ethanol distilled with different processes and fermented with different vegetables and shit. See! Alcohol has vegetables! It's totally okay to forgo a meal to drink twelve shots of Jager. The horrible thing about all these types of alcohol is that people don't know how they will be effected by certain kinds of alcohol. Everybody is misinformed of the kinds of scenarios that might transpire and how they can avoid those scenarios. So, without further adieu here is a guide to the most popular types of alcohol and what drunken night is ahead of you.

1. Beer. Ah, beer. The American staple. Made with wheat and the blood of the Native Americans, beer has been drunk for THOUSANDS of years. The perks of beer drunk is you probably won't throw up. You have to drink like 13 beers to throw up (unless you're a pussy- in which case, see #2). Beer also can be drank at many different speeds. You can shotgun beers (which is the best speed, it always ends in a guttural scream like you're a goddamn cowboy) or you can sip on them casually during an especially boring Monday Night Football game. It's the perfect staple. Everyone likes it. It's cheap. 40s. Problems with beer: Say you ate a Philly Cheesecake and you're like sooooooo full. It's physically impossible to drink a lot of beer. Then you're just sad, full and less drunk than the rest of the party. (Fact: Every time I encounter a bar where all drafts, even nice ones, are the same price I just go "Ah uh er BUD LIGHT.")

2. Wine. I'm not even going to TRY to be fair here. Wine is so stupid. People who drink wine are stupid, people who choose wine as a lifestyle are stupid. It's just a bougie thing to do and you know what happens to the bourgeoisie? JOSEPH STALIN. JOSEPH STALIN HAPPENS. If you choose to drink wine you'll end up either a.) drunk calling your mother or ex-boyfriend, or b.) wine has this tendency to convince you that you AREN'T drunk, just a terrific conversationalist (you're not), so you just drunk-drive and subsequently mow down seven kids on bikes.

3. Vodka. For some reason every teenager starts out their drinking career on flavored vodka. You went to the liquor store, paid a homeless man to buy you whatever you wanted and STILL ended up with Green Apple Smirnoff. Then what did you do? Cry. Because, fact: vodka is made from the distilled tears of Eastern Europeans. And also, fact: your boyfriend hooked up with your best friend so the only thing that could rectify it was drinking a fifth of vodka and saying things like "I THOUGHT HE LIKEEEDDDD ME." That's what your night out drinking vodka will be like. Also: date rape.

4. Whiskey. There is something inside whiskey that makes you want to punch people. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the sweat of Rambo or testosterone injections from some nameless soldier of fortune living in Nicoragua who kills apple farmers for sport. I don't know, what I do know is that drinking whiskey can only end in one way: VIOLENT EPISODES.  Suddenly the most passing of offenses is the biggest fucking deal on the planet. Somebody runs into you as you're leaving the bar, you punch them in the face. Somebody tells you that they don't want to have sex with you because they have a girlfriend/boyfriend, you yell and scream at them until they cry. Sometimes this is great because if we all know it's better to be feared than loved but sometimes it gets you arrested which sucks.

5. Rum. Rum is the truth serum of all alcohol. It's the best lie detector out there. After six shots of rum you will tell everyone your deepest darkest secrets. About how you killed your pet dog and buried it out in the woods because you liked the taste of blood. That you fucked your boyfriend's uncle. That you are presently addicted to crack. All of these things will be revealed with just a little Captain Morgan.

6. Tequila. I won't lie. Either this:

or this:

Now that you know all of the alcohol and what it does to you feel free to pick, choose and use them to your own advantage. YOU'RE WELCOME.

How To Get Anybody To Like You At A Party

I went to a party this weekend in a city I don't live in where I knew basically nobody and it was still great! Usually this isn't the case. Usually parties tend to suck and everybody is always complaining there is not enough drinking or yelling. Think of any party you go to. Yelling and drinking is the only indicator people are actually having fun. Ever been to a party and it was six people you sort of know sitting outside smoking cigarettes and talking about Marvel Vs. Capcom? That is every party I go to back home.

You want to avoid those parties. You want to go to better parties. You want to have everyone like you at a party where you know nobody. No man is an island. So here's how to have a nice cosmo on the beach of that island.

1. Compliment everyone. This I cannot stress enough. People love compliments, and for the most part are deserving of them. Just continuously compliment. Be genuine about it because it's easy to see through a fake compliment. For example, if I were to go up to Demi Moore and said "You look so young!!!!!!" she would be skeptical. However, she is an actress and not impervious to rampant narcissism. She wants to be told she looks young (which she does in a creepy, skinny way) so tell her "Wow, Demi you look great. Have you lost weight?" That statement accentuates the fact that she did something to look great. That she succeeded. People don't want to know that they are simply great, but that they succeeded at something to be great.

****CAVEAT: Writers will not take your compliments. They will think you are full of shit and have an agenda for giving them any compliments. For writers, see number 2.

2. Target the Guy With Crippling Self Doubt. The other night I talked to this guy from Las Vegas (he hated it. Loser) and I just told him to "Never doubt himself", he then told me I was the best person at the party. That's not even a particular statement! It doesn't really mean anything. It's like a poem about how I respect him. This is not a compliment, it just validates I know he exists and that, hey, everything is going to be okay. He was starving for validation and there I was with the validation apple pie. As a reward he gave me a a bunch of shots of whiskey and introduced me to all his friends as an angel. An angel! That's exactly the kind of compliment you are looking for to be popular at this party.

3. Be Particular About The Music. Target the iPod that's spinning mad jams and make it your own. If you're at a party with 18 - 21 year olds put on music that will spark their sense of nostalgia. Perhaps some Britney Spears or Destiny's Child. If not, I would go with irony. Put on some catchy LMFAO songs. ATTN: NO FUCKING RADIOHEAD. What the hell is wrong with you that you would put on Radiohead at a party? Die in a fire.

4. Let Stupid Things Stupid People Say Slide. Drunk people say stupid things. When they are already stupid to begin with alcohol just makes it worse. Here are some examples of stupid things you might hear that I have heard in the past.

GUY: Where you from?

ME: Texas.

GUY: Are you liberal?

ME: More or less.

GUY: Ugh. Liberals from the South annoy me so much. You guys are so uneducated about everything, so while you might have the same beliefs as me, they're uneducated and don't really matter.

^Right? This may be the most uneducated opinion on uneducated opinions I have ever heard but I let it slide. I laughed and waved it off. I could have punched him in the face or argued about how Boston (where he was from) was full of racists and classist morons. I could have said that and it would have been true. But that would have put a damper on my party popularity wouldn't it? Politics tend to do that. And popularity is ranked higher than political opinions ANY DAY. Argue that.

Here's another example of stupid people at parties:

GIRL: OMG, who do you know here?

ME: Jeffrey.

GIRL: Seriously? Did you go to high school with him?

ME: Yeah. He's a good friend of mine.

GIRL: OMG, he is such a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Do you know he fucked me over the summer and never called again? I mean not like I care or anything, I play the field, so I totally don't care but isn't that so totally fucked up? He's such an asshole. I mean I respect he's your friend and all but- major, major douchebag.

^Clearly this girl does not respect that Jeffrey is my friend. She thinks he's a fucking asshole. I like Jeffrey and I don't think he is a fucking asshole. I could defend my friend to this obviously crazy person who spews their emotions and insecurities at strangers but Jeff needs no defending. Jeff is a strong independent man. He can take it. Also some girl as angry at men as this is bound to fight girls over said men for no particular reason. You don't want to fight her. She is a crying mess waiting to happen. ATTN: DO NOT TRIGGER THAT. Making the drunk girl cry is the surefire way to be the evil scapegoat of the party. You will alienate everyone. Just let it slide and extract yourself from the conversation.

5. Bring alcohol. So easy. You probably don't have to do 1-4. Just bring alcohol, preferably hard, and then give people shots. Lots of shots. Giving people and consequently pressuring them into taking shots is the perfect way to make friends. It's like a team building exercise. It adds a healthy element of competition to your new-found relationship with the party.

Don't worry. Drunk people like you already. It's not that hard. Have fun, partygoers. The only thing you probably shouldn't do is post a blog on facebook about the party you went to this weekend and how you manipulated them all. You probably shouldn't do that.

Why Texas Is The Best State On Earth

1. Rick Perry, contrary to popular belief, is not the only resident of Texas. Nor is George W. Bush the only resident in Texas. Yes. Rich white people who have no compassion for the poor and hate minorities exist. They live in Texas. Bigoted politicians also live in Texas. Those people also live everywhere. To blame a state of 25 million people for the actions of a handful of people is absolutely ridiculous. Do you ever go "California. EH. They have nice beaches, but y'know- Richard Nixon" or "Boy, I love Maryland but JOHN WILKES BOOTH MURDERED THE PRESIDENT!!!!!" No. Nobody says that. Because basing the livability of a state off a few infamous people who happened to be born there is stupid. On the other hand, if you are going to take that stance, here's a fun list:
People from Texas:

1. Academy Award winning actor Chris Cooper
2. Country singer Willie Nelson (who owns a gas station in Carl's Corner, TX because he likes Texas so much.)
   
3. John Archibald, a physicist known for coining the term "black hole," Michael Stuart Brown, who won a Nobel Prize for helping develop drugs that lower cholesterol and extend people's lives that 16 million Americans use, at LEAST four other Nobel Prize winners.
4. Edward White- first American astronaut to walk in space.
5. Wiley Post- first person to fly solo around the world.
6. DAVEY CROCKETT

I don't know about you but that's impressive. Sure we have our share of Branch Davidians and Billy the Kid's (the latter is pretty awesome you can't deny it.) But so does everyone, you can make a claim that Texas sucks but don't give me Rick Perry as some sort of all-encompassing example.

2. Texas has awesome food. Men's Health ranked Corpus Christi, TX as the fattest city in America. El Paso and Dallas are 3 and 4 respectively. Houston and San Antonio are also in the top ten. Putting health issues aside for one moment- how do you think these people got so fat? It's because Texas has damn good food. First: Mexicans. Tex-Mex is awesome. Enchiladas. Chimichangas. Refried Beans. Food of this kind is unrivaled (Fuck you, California. Fuck you and your Huevos Rancheros.) anywhere else in the States. Second: BBQ. Texas has four separate styles of barbecuing. FOUR in one state. Also, the Texas philosophy for good barbecue is "you can never have enough beef" which is so American it hurts. Mesquite grilled ribs drizzled in honey-barbecue sauce. UNRIVALED. Third: Whataburger. One word: Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit.
Finally, this is a restaurant in Austin:
To have the freedom to put chicken fingers AND mozzarella sticks on your sandwich is a testament to the versatility of Texas.

3. Beer. I don't know if you've had Shiner Bock but it's excellent. It was started in 1909 by German immigrant Kosmas Spoetzl who worked for nine years in Egypt making beer at the PYRAMIDS. No joke. Also: I went to a bar last night. $3.75 for a double Gin & Tonic.

4. There's a family owned waterpark called Schlitterbahn which is spring fed by the Guadelupe River. No chlorine. So awesome. In fact, Texas has lots of beautiful rivers that are great for canoeing and other water sports. I canoed a 30 mile stretch of the Rio Grande once. The water is brown but it's beautiful.
5. We have deserts, and mountains, and cities, AND beaches. Suck it.

6. Yes, there are Republicans and stupid conservatives. However, I'm a 21 year-old female and I didn't go to school with any of those people. I didn't know any of those people and I lived in Highland Park for a short while- where the median family income is $150,ooo and where this shit happens. Even there young people are pretty liberal. Very few young people are conservative, bigoted or racist. So, while there's a conservative generation ahead of us, they won't be around forever.

7. Fuck your debt ceiling bullshit, the Texan economy is basically unaffected. Everything is awesome here. The gross state product is the second highest in the country. The median household income is only $50,000 but guess what- it's still pretty good because the cost of living is so damn cheap. Whether it's because of oil or the overwhelming swell of immigrants from Mexico- demand in Texas is higher than ever. The country may be falling apart but Texas isn't. In fact: it's almost like there is no global financial crisis in Texas.

8. Texans are friendly. They just want to watch football and chill. When people pass you on the street to say "Hi" they just want to say hi. They don't want your money. So, get that subway gaze out of here and hang with Texans. The Texas state motto is "Friendship." At a bar last night, a guy wanted to buy me a drink and came back from the bar with an entire PITCHER of beer. Chivalry is not dead in the Lone State State.

9. For those of you who hate big government- the Texas Legislature meets five months every two years. I can safely say the government is out of my business. They also make excellent roads when they do meet. Getting around in such a huge state is pretty easy because the roads are well maintained. If you've ever driven in New York City you'll know that good roads are a necessary piece of good infrastructure and also extremely rare. PS: no state income tax.

10. Texas has a really cool history. We were our own country once! Did you know that? The Alamo is such an excellent story of bravery and courage. It's nice that we have fore-bearers in this state who fought for their independence and were intensely brave about the whole thing. It's something to be proud about.


Okay. So in conclusion: say what you will about most Texans. Say what you will about Republicans, gun owners and the nutcase Christians but if there's one thing Texans have and it's pride for the place we grew up in. You don't see that shit in Connecticut. It's nice to be surrounded by people who love Texas and will defend it to the end. Yeah, it's a little insane that there are actual residents in Texas who want to secede from the United States but I think behind all the bullshit it's because those people love Texas and want to defend it from what they see as a country that's falling apart. I mean, it's sort of badass if you think about it. And that's what Texas is all about: being badass.

Na'vi: Stuck Between Rape And A Hard Place.

If you look at movies solely by numbers that means James Cameron's Avatar is the best movie ever made! That's why when Oscar season came along and people were all "The Hurt Locker should win!" I just said "The Hurt Locker? Avatar is the highest grossing movie of all time, This is America, it should win on principle." I got a lot of shit for this. That's not the point though. The point is, it's 2011 now- what the fuck is The Hurt Locker? I still know what a Na'vi is.

Unfortunately. Unfortunately I know what a Na'vi is. Avatar is actually not a good movie. It's like Pocahontas except no good songs, just Sigourney Weaver coughing. That being said, lets pretend for a moment that Avatar was real. That it wasn't just Hollywood pizzazz and expensive CGI but a real story that happened. Lets put on our imagination caps for a moment and just... wonder...

1. The Na'vi form of intercourse (art by CaitRaft) is to intertwine the hair follicles on their tail with the hair follicles of their partner's tail in the middle of the forest. I'm fine with that. Do what you have to do- you can't help your anatomy. However, the Na'vi also connect their tails to the tails of horses and birds when they want to get around the forest. So, either one of two things are happening here. One: Getting laid is the equivalent to driving a car and the Na'vi derive no pleasure from it which BORING or two: The Na'vi are just fucking horses and birds all the time. What if you had to fuck horses to make them go? I mean, it's an idea but is it not against some sort of collective Na'vi conscious? You'd think a people so ingrained in the "spirit of the forest" and all that bullshit wouldn't go around raping animals in order to domesticate them. Maybe it's just a human thing- that rape is bad? Maybe that's it? Maybe we should go out of our way to understand this people and their culture? Maybe this dialogue will happen and everything will be okay:

Human: Why do you have sex with animals when you want to use them as a means to transportation?

Na'vi: Why do you watch football, huh? Ever thought of that? You ignorant fuck.

Human: Well... I never thought of it that way. You're RIGHT.

(Human and Na'vi hold hands and skip.)

Maybe the Na'vi/Horse intercourse isn't rape and actually consensual. Then you've opened a whole NEW can of worms there. What kind of STDs are running rampant if Na'vi's are fucking horses and flying dragons JUST TO GET BY? Just to get from a mountain to the spirit tree? I'm not 100% on this, but is it not a rumor that humans got AIDS from fucking monkeys? Maybe we should tell the Na'vi that?? Warn them?? Spread the AIDS knowledge? Now I'm just spitballing but maybe this is the human plan all along to cut down their forest? Infect them with Na'vi AIDS and just let them die off themselves? Much cheaper than waging war or hiring Sigourney Weaver to make Na'vi clones. Pretty heartless if you ask me but those pesky humans love their Unobtanium, am I right?

2. Na'vi, aside from the rape issue I'm pretty okay with letting natural selection weed you out. In what universe did you think it was a good idea to make friends with the rogue agents sent in bodies that look like yours in order to "learn your culture." First off, I don't know if you've heard of this concept- it's a human concept- but typically when you dress up as a member of a hostile culture in order to learn more about them it's called being a spy. Spies aren't good. You don't want spies infiltrating your culture. However Na'vi, instead of killing this spy you let him fuck your women and learn your secrets. Who's idea was that? "Hey tribe, lets teach this man who works for tour bitter enemies learn all our secrets. Cool. Good idea. I think that's lunch." I don't understand how the Na'vi believe humans would understand their hokey tree religion. Humans HATE trees. Isn't that OBVIOUS by now seeing as humans cut down half of the forests on your Godforsaken planet? I guess not. I guess the Na'vi still think they can make friends with the humans. Na'vi, let me tell you a little story about a people called the Native American Indians. The Native American Indians had forests too, and homes, and a hokey tree religions. They had all the things you have, Na'vi, and you know what happened to them? They died. Or were forced into Oklahoma and became alcoholics. And that was about CORN not a gasoline substitute. So, basically Na'vi, your options are be killed or sent to Oklahoma. Slim pickings. However, that looks to be the direction you're heading in though due to your lack of cunning and technology. The humans have iPads, Na'vi, what do you have? Rapemobiles? You deserve to have your spirit tree bulldozed by Giovanni Ribisi. Also: Fuck you for the apostrophe in the middle of your species name. Fuck you for that.

Lastly, is this whole Avatar concept just a little bit racist, or is that just me?

Just me. Okay. Good job, guys. I think that's lunch.

P.S. Since Avatar is just like Earth with a blue color scheme, do you think the Na'vi watch movies that are just like their culture except with a human flesh color scheme. BLEW YOUR MIND.

What To Do About The Annoying Celebrity Problem

America, we have a problem. I know what you're going to say: the economy, illegal immigration, the fact gay marriage is only legalized in one state that matters, fear-mongering republicans, fear-mongering Evangelical Christians, the ongoing spread of racism, the flailing public education system, overcrowded prisons, white collar crime, Casey Anthony getting off scott free for killing her kids, OJ Simpson getting off scott free for killing lots of people, women getting paid less than men, Harry Potter is ending and nobody getting the medical care they need. Well, then you'd be wrong. I'll tell you what our problem is and that is Josh Duhamel.

Yes, America we have a problem that nobody seems to care about and that is celebrities who don't know how to shut the hell up. Who cares that the economy is broke, I can deal with the economy being broke, what I can't deal with is a 173 hour TV marathon of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. What I can't deal with is seeing a movie I think is going to be about cars that turn into robots, boobs and explosions yet instead I get a drama about Josh Duhamel's Problems. What's even MORE concerning is that these obnoxious celebrities think they have sway over things that DO matter. Say Katherine Heigel came out and said "You know what, we should do something about AIDS. Really help spread the word of sexual health and hand out clean needles and condoms to stop the spread of AIDS." I agree with that. I think AIDS blows. However, now that Katherine Heigel said it I want to say "Fuck everything Katherine Heigl says! No condoms ever again AIDS for everyone." Now, I don't actually think that but my aversion to Katherine Heigl is so strong I've begun to actively hope the world will progress in a backwards fashion. Ashton Kutcher says drive a Prius, I'm buying a Hummer. Frankie Munez says don't do drugs, I'm going to snort so much cocaine I'll be shitting blood. Annoying celebrities have such an adverse effect on society that they turn we groundlings into savages. On top of that, these people- this scum of the Earth- get paid millions of dollars of year to suck the joy out of the general pubic. Millions of dollars. Sometimes thousands of dollars at a time just for showing up at a fucking club. Here I am, spending $20 on a watered down Mojito and Ryan Renyolds gets to drink for free. I hesitate to say this, but... it feels like there's no justice left in this little world of ours.

So, that's why we must act and we must act quickly. These celebrities must be stopped and here's what I suggest: Celebrity Containment Program. I don't want to kill anybody. You don't want to kill anybody. We shouldn't revert to homicide because there are no other options available because that's not true- there ARE other options available. It's time we started treating these celebrities like communists. Meaning what, you ask? Meaning we take these celebrities by force and relocate them to a secure bunker hundreds of feet below the Earth's surface and never let them out ever again.

Okay. So it sounds bad when I say it that way. That sounds like prison. It won't COMPLETELY be like prison. All our most annoying celebrities would still get the most luxurious of comforts they would enjoy on the Earth's surface. Elegant furniture, big screen TVs, video game consoles, leatherbound books, Russian baths, delicacies from around the world, perhaps a high tech Earth Room that simulates the sound of the ocean or the smell of freshly cut grass. Hell, we'll throw Fergie in for Josh Duhamel's pleasure. We would spare no expense to make these celebrities as comfortable as possible on one condition- they can never appear on television, speak to the press, be photographed or otherwise interact with the outside world as long as they live.

I think that's a good deal. I think it would improve the world tenfold. Tell me, Blake Lively, do you want to save the polar bears? Take one for the team and lock yourself underground for the rest of your life to "reduce your carbon footprint." Even on a more practical and less aesthetic level, America, think of how many jobs will open up when the entire cast of Glee has been compromised. So many! If anything, this containment program will STIMULATE the economy. So celebrities, I urge you to consider a lovely lifelong vacation hundreds of miles away from the rest of us. If not for your fellow man do it for the future of society. I mean- lets be real here- you might as well agree seeing as you can buy chloroform in stores so you don't really have a choice.

Five Surefire Ways To Get Laid Right Now

If I had to bet money, I would say you're probably depressed because you aren't having sex right now. Science: Every ten seconds someone is thinking about boning. But not all of us can be veritable Lotharios- strutting through the streets as women/men fall to our feet in writhing heaps of sexual energy. No, not everyone can be me. That being said, you should have the privilege- NAY the right- to have sex right now. This is America! It is also the 21st century. Feminism has run it's course and now everyone can be sluts! Even you!

5. Spend Money

Well, obviously. Obviously there men and women in this world who will have sex with you for a previously agreed upon sum of money. Haven't you seen that show Secret Diaries of a Call Girl on Showtime? That's how it is! That's a documentary basically. I'm sure that if you pay someone to have sex with you they will not steal your television. No, that would be ridiculous. Why would a prostitute steal from you? UNHEARD OF. Alas! That's not the only way to Get Laid Now. You can spend money on regular people and they'll have sex with you too! I once had a roommate who told me that he felt obligated to sleep with whoever bought him dinner. Not all people subscribe to that particular point of view but let's just say you're more inclined to get busy if you're full of a nice steak dinner. A nice juicy steak with a side of garlic mashed potatoes all drizzled in truffle oil and a nice glass of Merlot... See, already I'm more inclined to have sex with you and I don't even know who you are. People just love money. LOVE. So, no matter your appearance you can have sex if you spend a lot of it. Sometimes double standards are great!

4. Drink Alcohol

You know how you think about sex all the time but you can't have it because you're at work, or getting your eyes dilated or sad, pathetic and lonely? Well, see, when you're doing that you're repressing all your feelings about Having Sex Now. When, you drink you're uninhibited so your feelings are released in a torrent of writhing sexual energy which is sometimes irritating but mostly awesome. So, when leave that nice steak dinner to have a few cocktails at the hotel bar (Maybe you're waiting to meet your prostitute! Hotel bars are key places to drink because everybody is-for the most part- sad or at a wedding or BOTH. Score!) suddenly you're feeling handsy with the hotel waitress and that is OK. It is okay because waking up next to a middle-aged, especially hairy Robin Williams does not define you as a person. No, it does not. Whatever Mary Lou Christian Evangelist says that was one moment in your life and you will be fine. Heck, you may have just had a damn good time with Chaim the Slightly Overweight Hasidic Hotel Owner. Also- bars are full of people just looking to have sex with you. Yeah, I said you! Because it's true! Especially clubs! Those exist for young sweaty men to rub their boner all over you. This is really the best advice I can give you. Drinking an intoxicating substance that literally makes people want to have sex? There's no more surefire way to have sex than with an intoxicated person. Girls, you can just go to a bar and have people BUY you drinks. I went to a (hotel!) bar the other night and yelled "WHO IS BUYING ME A MOTHERFUCKING DRINK?" and someone did! I'll never have sex with that guy but you'll bet your ass I'll stay longer at that (hotel!) bar and meet someone better looking I WOULD have sex with.

PRO TIP: If you are a poor male, you can still buy someone drinks at a bar and I'll tell you how. Go find the douchiest guy in the bar who is throwing around his American Express card like Monopoly money. Introduce yourself with your FULL name, hopefully he will respond in kind. Then just order your drinks off his tab for the rest of the night. He's a douche so he deserves it, right! You're like the Robin Hood of drinking. Stealing from the rich, giving to the poor. And most likely he won't remember you doing this- he'll just think HE drank all those dranks. That's how rich people operate: "Oh, I spent a lot of money. Makes sense. I can do that because I'm a stockbroker and my dick is huge." That being said, if he does find out you defrauded him, you can always run. You always have that.

3. Always Maintain Relationships With One Night Stands

It is a key move to always maintain relationships with one night stands. I don't mean this as a lets text all the time, and meet each other's parents type situation. No, if they are a one night stand- most likely they're pretty but they're dumb. They might pull their dick out of their pants and say "Merry Christmas" because that is the kind of things these people say and do. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. No, No, I mean every once in a while shoot them a text saying "SUP" at 3 AM. There is only one thing "SUP" can mean at that time and that is sex. Sending that text doesn't mean you have to follow through, au contraire my little minxes, it just maintains that PERHAPS you are still down for a booty call at some point in the near future. Even if you don't feel like having sex right that minute, you can still maintain the relationship until you need a sexual object NOW. Like when you're done at the bar, drunk, and the steak dinner didn't go GREAT because you farted really loudly and they heard it and it smelled terrible, then you have a Plan B at 4 AM Tuesday morning. Where you can be drunk and sad and have sex with this person, and conversely sometime in the future they can return the favor. It's beautiful, really. Don't feel bad about this particular person being your Plan B- you're most likely their Plan B too.

PRO TIP: If you're one night stand has no real interest in maintaining a strictly booty call relationship with you can force it on them. No, I'm not saying date rape (though I guess that works if you're into that sort of thing) I'm saying leave your clothes at their house. You have to go and get them one day! Those clothes are YOUR property. So, go get them at 4 AM Tuesday morning and GET. IT. IN.

2. The Internet

The internet has always been a place to get laid while multitasking. I could be checking my email, doing some work, and then write a message on OkCupid. Bam! Done! Flirting WHILE at work! See, OkCupid is a great resource to have sex with people Who Wear Condoms. It's much better than Craig's List- a resource to have sex with people Who Don't Wear Condoms. OkCupid may masquerade that it's a dating site for people who want serious long term relationships. Ha! OkCupid is a dating site for people who advocate getting oral on the first date in a park bathroom. And that is also OK. That's what we all frequent that site for. It's a wonderful service, really, providing mediocre looking people with a steady stream of maybe-sex. If it was my decision I would give the Nobel Prize to OkCupid. I often wonder why that isn't my decision.

1. Invite Your Ex Out For Drinks

Don't look at me that way. You've done it. You know there is only one reason exes go out for drinks- it is because they are sad and want to have sex. They want to lie in the familiar arms of love's past. Then, once it's all over and you've got your fill you can just send them home. It's not like you can hurt them- they'll always irrevocably hate you forever. They may not look like they hate you, and they may not say that they hate you- but they hate you. Even if they're still in love with you, they still hate you. That's how those things work. They'll still have sex with you though because why not? Because you both got tested when you were together and you know they aren't crawling with STDs (hotel bar!) and you know how all their ladybits work and it's easy. It's easy and it's nice and why not? You had sex, didn't you?

None of these were particularly in order. They'll all work if you have the wherewithal to execute them. I know what you're going to say- "Kate, why don't I just form a relationship with a nice young person so I can have sex on the reg?" Well, that's not what this blog post is about. If you want that go read "Five Surefire Ways To Have Sex Maybe In A Couple Weeks" This is about getting laid NOW. IMMEDIATELY. Because some of the youngbloods of the world need that. Some of you have demanding jobs and horrible daddy issues and you need anonymous sex NOW. And that is OK! It is OK! I don't usually have morals in these but here is one- cut yourself some slack because it's all OK.

How To Survive Judement Day This Weekend And Have A Damn Good Time Doing It

MySpace-Countdowns
Something has recently come to my attention and that something is that the world is ending this weekend. Which is... fine. I mean, what can you do- it's judgment day, right? I guess Indiana Jones just closed his eyes when the Ark of the Covenant was opened and he didn't melt into a beeswax skeleton/ascend to the sky in the midst of fire and brimstone. I guess that worked for him. But Indiana Jones is also a fictional character in a movie and this apocalypse is real life. The end of the world coming this weekend is IRL.

I know you guys might be angry about this. I know you might be scared. It's a scary thing to have the world end! People are going to hell. Fire is going to fall from the sky like hail. Earthquakes. Hail probably. Fire AND hail. At the same time. This is fact. It is fact because the Bible says it is fact. The world was created 10,000 years ago, in seven days and people roamed with dinosaurs, bitches. It happened. Get over it, you whiny liberal pussies.

So, the good thing about this whole "world-ending" snafu, is that we know it's coming. We have roughly five days to prepare. So, that's enough time to empty your bank accounts, inoculate yourself with methamphetamine and get your motherfucking affairs in order. Because this shit's going down. You may ask: "how do we do this, Kate!?" Well, you're in luck, because I know exactly what to do.

So, right now we're in the "raining 40 days and 40 nights" period of the end of the world. If you're in New York, you know this well.
COME ON, PEOPLE. HOW CAN YOU NOT THINK THE WORLD IS ENDING? SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THE WORLD ISN'T ENDING AFTER LOOKING AT THAT? SERIOUSLY? I'm sorry, this is embarrassing, my religious indignation at your incredible ignorance has gotten me off topic. My point is, that in order to truly prevail in this apocalypse you gotta take this rain in stride. Yeah, bitches, I mean build an ark.

Arks! They're the one surefire way to survive any apocalypse. Whenever God gets pissed and decides to end the world, the people with the arks always ended up on top! And you KNOW that ark was a good time. You can fill it with tigers and chill with tigers all day. Chilling with tigers! You can also fill it with whiskey which will improve the chilling with tigers tenfold. Especially, if you find yourself in a Sigfried-and-Roy-type tiger snafu in the midst of the apocalypse which, lets face it, you will. If that happens, then you can kill the tiger and eat it. Tiger burgers must be delicious, am I right? Of course I am. My point is, if you find yourself in some coastal region or in the highlands of Israel then you should probably get down to some serious ark building. As for filling your ark with animals, I'm sure any poacher will be happy to assist you. They're always down for some exotic animal capturing. If you can't get the number of a good poacher, just break into a zoo! It's easier than you think!

If you aren't in the Land of Milk And Honey or don't know how to/feel like building an ark- then the next few days should be spent doing the only thing we humans know how to do and know how to do well- party. Party hard. Empty the ol' savings account, cash in your life insurance and go crazy. For example, I would buy a sheet of acid, a 100 feet yacht and rent out an amusement park for two days. When I wasn't blowing lines off Sean Penn's dick (I'm also renting out Sean Penn's dick) on the yacht I procured from Jay-Z, then I will be tripping balls on a rollercoaster. All day everyday. That's just me. That's just my plan. Don't feel like you have to copy me. You can do whatever. Because, it's not like you're going to need your lifelong savings after Saturday. Party hard and party well. If you're building an ark, then party after you're done. Because building a 450 ft. ark from scratch can't take more than a couple of hours tops. I'm sure there's an instructional YouTube video on it somewhere. Plus, by the time the ark builders are starting to party everyone else should be winding down. 'Cuz we have work to do. Also, not everybody can be partying at the same time. That would be chaos, RIGHT?

So, after your binge it's time to pick up some guns. I don't care how you get them- purchase, steal, take a trip to your shed that converts to a sweet gun silo. Whatever, what matters is that you need some guns. And war-paint. And you should just cut off all the sleeves to your shirts now. You won't need those. It's going to be every man for himself to ascend to heaven with Jesus on a magic carpet made of Ciroc. Right? That's how it works? Every man for himself? So, you gotta be prepared for anything. You might also want to get a German Shepard attack dog. Name him Sam. He'll help you smell our heretics/hunt deer/etc. and if it dies then it will be some huge cathartic moment for everyone and you'll definitely ascend to heaven. Angels love that kind of shit.

According to this extremely helpful website, this is what we're dealing with here:

Judgement Day, May 21^st, 2011, this 5-month period of horrible torment will begin for all the inhabitants of the earth. It will be on May 21^st that God will raise up all the dead that have ever died from their graves. Earthquakes will ravage the whole world as the earth will no longer conceal its dead (Isaiah 26:21). People who died as saved individuals will experience the resurrection of their bodies and immediately leave this world to forever be with the Lord. Those who died unsaved will be raised up as well, but only to have their lifeless bodies scattered about the face of all the earth. Death will be everywhere.

So, what we're dealing with is a typical zombie apocalypse. You see, guys! Nothing to worry about! If it was a dinosaur apocalypse I would be telling you to just kill yourselves now because nothing could be as awful as having a velociraptor tear apart your body limb from limb. Nothing could save you then. Thankfully, we're just talking humans here. Not to mention: "all the dead that have ever died from their graves" Ummm, news flash: More people are alive now than have ever died. It's not even a substansial NUMBER of zombies. Also, does this mean Zombie Hitler will rise? How fucking cool would it be to kill Zombie Hitler? REALLY FUCKING COOL, THAT'S HOW COOL. See! Everything is going to be good. Fine. Easy as pie. I mean, you might want to get to China. For some reason, China feels like they will dominate in this apocalypse. But even if you can't get to China, if you do what I say (get lots of drugs and guns and giant wooden arks) you will be absolutely fine. In fact, killing zombies might be pretty fun! Just stay away from fundamental Christians. Like always, they're going to try to harsh your buzz. They're just going to make you as miserable as they are- Judgment Day is no different.

Do you see now? The end of the world isn't the end of the world. You can still survive Judgment Day and have a damn good time doing it! Whether you're sailing into the sunset with Jodie Foster and/or cool tigers or going Rambo all over Zombie Pol Pot, this May 21st could be just the thing to snap you out of that year-long depression you can't seem to shake. So, don't worry guys- everything is going to be fine.