How Blink-182 Made Me The Person I Am Today

True story. You were twelve once too. You listened to Blink-182. The question is- did you know that by listening to Blink-182 you were about to change your life forever? Probably not. On the outside Blink-182 looks like two immature dudes who know about three chords on the guitar, one weirdly enough kinda awesome drummer, and a bunch of poop jokes- but on the inside, they're really wise, wise men with incredible insight. If I hadn't listened to Blink-182 I wouldn't have formed healthy habits as an adult and simply descended into madness. To prove my point I am going to embark on a close reading of some Blink-182 lyrics.

1. "The Party Song" is the sordid tale of a bro who goes to a party and it's super lame. There are keg stands (lame), dudes with no game (lame), ugly girls (lame!) and a ska band (really, really lame). The young man regrets his choice to go to this party, he then falls to his knees and cries out to the heavens:

"I wish I would have stayed
In my bed back at home watching TV alone
Where I'd put on some porn or have sex on the phone
Far from people I hate down from anywhere state
Trying to intoxicate girls to give them head after the party"

But then he sees a young woman from across the party. This young woman is beautiful, she has long blonde hair, green eyes and no underwear which at the time (1999) was the epitome of class and elegance. The young man was drawn to her. He approaches her and engages her in small talk. At first everything is great, maybe they would hold hands and watch the sunrise (because that's obviously what this young man was planning) but then- in a sudden realization shone down on him like a beam of sunlight from an angel- this girl was lame too!:

"She wasn't wearing underwear at least I prayed that
She might be the one, maybe we'd have some fun
Maybe we'd watch the sun rise
But that night I learned some girls try too hard."

The young man's depiction of the sunrise depicts his hopes of the future but his knowledge that inevitably the sunrise would end which is a metaphor that we're all going to die. But that's besides the point- the point is that this girl "tried to hard." What does that mean, you ask? Well, I'll leave that one to our old pals Blink-182 to tell you.

I couldn't believe what this lady was saying
The names she was dropping, the games she was playing
She dated this guy who now rides for Black Flys
How she's down with the 'wise well-constructed disguise'
Now I'd rather go dateless than stay here and hate this
Her volume of makeup her fake tits were tasteless

I don't know who the "Black Flys" are. I don't think they exist but are a clever pseduanym for particularly douchey rock group, The Black Crowes. To emphasize just how douchey this band is I will include this picture as evidence:
You see? Douchey. So now our hero is stuck talking with this classless, self-absorbed wench at a lame party. You know what's the worst thing about this woman? Not her classlessness, it's the fact that she deceived him. She deceived him. He thought she was going to be an intriguing, beautiful young woman- but she was just a liar, cheat and tasteless. She "tried to hard" as it was. So what does he do? Nothing. He listens to her talk and simply meditates on all this. He learns from this experience, he grows from it. He becomes a new man. He knows his tale is a cautionary one so he spreads the word to the young masses so they don't become victims of girls who try too hard as well.

How did I learn from this and countless other Blink-182 songs. I learned not to go to parties and say I slept with members of The Black Crowes. That is a secret I will take with me to my grave. I, as a woman, leanred not to "try too hard." This song teaches proper party ettiquete. Without hearing this song, I may have gone to a party and come off as a trashy whore. But instead, I come off as awesome. Blink-182 is also a friend when you have none. Popular tune "Damnit" is a beautiful haven when you have none during painful break-ups. "A New Hope" and "Happy Holidays, You Bastard" provide me with laughs and incredible joy. I am never alone with Blink-182. Thank you, Blink-182, thank you so much- you made me into the person I am today.