On Independence Day: July 5th

In anticipation for the buzz surrounding a possible sequel to Independence Day (the best movie ever made) I have dedicated this post to Russell Casse. If it wasn't for you, brosk, we wouldn't have kicked all that alien ass. Payback is a bitch. RIP Russell Casse: An American Hero.



Well, you did it America, I mean World, you did it. You banded together and launched a simultaneous attack on the alien invaders and you killed them. Good job, World, you saved the World. On this day, our Independence Day, we humble humans with our puny technology beat out telekinetic aliens I once heard described as "like locusts. They're moving from planet to planet... their whole civilization. After they've consumed every natural resource they move on." Pretty scary, huh? Well, not anymore, World, because you kicked their ass. Jeff Goldblum loaded some spyware on their computer, and after several pop-ups proclaiming "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU JUST WON A BRAND NEW IPAD" their computers blew up and with it all of their defenses. And then you nuked them, World. You nuked them and it was awesome. There was dancing in the streets celebration on the steps of the pyramids as the aliens spacecraft crashed to the Earth in a flaming, impotent heap. We had lived. The aliens had not.

What now?

Before anybody knew what to do the aliens had already destroyed several cities. New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Moscow, London, Paris, Houston. They're all gone. Destroyed. Houston! What will the Earth do without Houston!?!?!? If every economic stronghold left in the world is destroyed how do you expect to rebuild a global economy? What do we do now? Ah, the aliens are dead, guess I'll go back to work at... Oh, wait. Currency is useless now. Best case scenario: we're about to enter a global economic and political reconstruction the likes of which we have never seen before in recorded history. Worst case scenario: Worldwide panic and systematic murder of one another in resulting chaos.

Yeah, the aliens are gone, but so is the stock market. Not only that but several worldwide cities are now graveyards of twisted, burning infrastructure. Do you think FEMA knows what to do? FEMA is shitting it's pants right now! And that's If FEMA is still even there, seeing as it was in Washington D.C- which no longer exists by the way in case you were too busy dancing on the steps of the pyramids to realize. How do you expect going about rebuilding a country that's population is mostly dead or trapped under smoking rubble? I don't think the New Deal is going to solve this impending economic depression. World War III is not going to float all our economies.

Besides that. Do you know how that smoking rubble got there in the first place? Well, let's look back on the events of yesterday. Giant alien spacecrafts opened up their primary weapon and shot a beam of weird laser energy and then uhh, ah hell, I'll just show you:

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? No! Seriously! What was that? I've never seen anything on Earth do that! It's a nuclear bomb times 1,000,000. That had to be radioactive. It's a giant cloud of fire! There's no doubt that was radioactive. So, basically, on top of everything else we're probably going into a nuclear winter because, even though I'm no expert, that seems like the likely product of giant cloud of fire caused via laser beam. Moreover, let me remind you once more that this didn't happen just in a couple cities. This happened everywhere. If there is one event that's going to trigger massive and devastating climate change it is this. Not to mention remember all those alien spacecraft we sent hurtling toward the ground engulfed in flames? Remember those? What were in those? Probably nothing good. Probably not something you can find on the periodic table of fucking elements. How are we supposed to clean something up when we don't know what it is! Not to mention, it's stupid to think that there aren't any alien survivors. There definitely are. Yes, giant aliens with tentacles and telekinetic powers are roaming around the Earth, pretty pissed off right about now.

Basically, World, this is not good news. On an economic level, it's bad news. On a societal level, it's bad news. On a environmental level, it's bad news. On a basic human health level, it's bad news. Bad, bad, bad news. So, the question is. What do we do now? How do we continue to survive as a race. Because after the huge victory of defeating the aliens I am not ready to die of radiation-induced lymphoma. Nope. Not me. I'm an American! And this is our Independence Day! I am not about to die via the extenuating circumstances of an alien invasion. I don't know about you guys, but fuck the aliens. Fuck those guys.

So, what now? I'll tell you what now, World. We take those bastards for all that their worth. We take those fancy-shmancy alien scientists down at Area 51 and we make them fix those goddamn spacecrafts. We did it for Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum's alien taxi cab- we can do it for those giant circular thingies. We fix them. All of them. And then what? I'll tell you what, we get the fuck off this rock. I didn't even like it anyway, fuck Earth, man. I don't want to be here, its small and cramped and filled with deadly radiation. There's gotta be somewhere better and I'm getting out while the gettin's good. Where do we go, you ask. Well, I'll tell you where we go. We move somewhere else, to another world, another civilization. We take all it's resources and technology and move on. We'll get stronger. And we'll continue doing this for the rest of eternity. We will survive, World. Because that is what we are. We are survivors. We kicked alien ass before and, goddamnit, we will do it again. We will band together once more! We will be like locusts! Moving from planet to planet! Our whole civilization! After we've consumed every natural resource we move on! Because that's what we do, humanity, we kick alien ass. Forever and always.

Investigative Report On The Wizarding World.

Upon first glance it's easy to detect what the downfall of the Harry Potter Wizarding World was- Voldemort, of course. An evil, tyrannical psychopath has a destructive effect on a civilization. However, once you probe deeper into the inner-workings of such a clandestine society like the magical world in Great Britain you begin to see the complex latticework that allowed one random nose-less dude to reek havoc upon millions (Thousands? Hundreds? Everyone seems to know each other in the wizarding world. Do they have a Census? I doubt it.)

I'd like to begin this analysis by stating that the Wizarding World has put themselves on a higher plane than what they like to call "muggles" or non-magical beings. No magic?! People who use cars! Hah! And Cell Phones! What?? They don't even use wands. It's astounding to wizards that since we tiny folk can't use magic we have to resort to using airplanes to get from place to place (instead of popping into or out of existence whenever we pleased), or actually developing a practical currency (massive circular discs of gold is not a practical currency. What is your economy based on anyway, Wizards? Is it free market? It seems like all of your economic growth stems from a single street of shops in London. Most of which serve exclusively candy and ice cream). All of these things make these so called wizards feel better than their non-magical counterparts. The word Muggle even has a hard "g" sound which makes it sound a lot like "niggers" or "faggots" which happen to be racial slurs, if you didn't know. Even the wizards who find it in the goodness of their hearts to take pity upon we lower beings and shower us with kindness are still acting out segregation (keeping your existence a secret from the rest of the world = segregation) and discrimination. Not only that but they look at non-magical beings with a gross fascination (Muggle Artifacts Office. Case in point.) While the more conservative wizards actively punish muggles, calling them "mudbloods" and torturing them and so on and so forth, non-radical wizards just treat muggles as a cause much like the ASPCA. Sad, unwanted, pityable albeit cute creatures who once in a blue moon they'll adopt.

How very kind of you, wizards! I know, it sucks so much that I actually have to get up and get the remote instead of flicking my wrist and having it levitate towards me. Oh, wait, you guys don't have TV, do you? Bummer. There is one thing, however, that we muggles have figured out (albeit through trial and error) that you fancy wizarding types can't seem to grasp which results in your entire society living in constant fear of a terrible and gruesome death. Democracy. Yes, wizards, this is something you lack.

Let's talk about the Ministry of Magic. The entirety of the Britain magical world is run by a bureaucracy that is duly-appointed by a small group of rich aristocrats. Ministers of Magic do not get elected, they get appointed. This Ministry is formed of several departments, each strictly regulating how a wizard or witch goes about living their life. There's a department in this ministry that's sole purpose is to monitor your fireplace. The fireplace in your private home. As if that's not enough they put a trace on your child so they can monitor their activity too. And The Department of Mysteries? That department exists solely for keeping secrets from the general public. At least in America we try to hide we have one of those. Any sort of legal system in place in the wizarding world is run- for the most part- by biased elderly rich men, and then the Ministry needs to hire employees (with who's money? Taxpayer money? Who on Earth would pay taxes if every time a auditor came by you could pop out of the country?) to make sure their entire existence is kept secret, and if someone breaks that they need to pay the consequences and possibly go to prison.

Ah, the Prison System. The prison in the Magical World is on a small island and it's called Azkaban. Sounds like Alcatraz right??? Oh, yeah, except in our prisons we don't employ phantom guards that suck out the happiness of everyone imprisoned. That sounds like a violation of human rights to me. Let's put aside things like the Death Penalty for a second and examine the fact that if you waterboard a prisoner in the muggle world, for even a few minutes, it's a crime worthy of the Hague? However, in the Wizarding World nobody seems to question that the Prisons are guarded by demons, who suck your soul out through your mouth. Not only that but they have flimsy allegiances! At any second they may be release everyone from prison and join the enemy.

The enemy. Evil Lord Voldemort. Could this sad, evil, monster perhaps be a product of the flawed, undemocratic bureaucracy that brought him up? The Wizarding World: An elitist society with an absolute leader and a clear intelligentsia. How is it that a violent reactionary could POSSIBLY arise from that sort of society? Wow. Gosh, you know, this is beginning to sound a lot like Russia. You know what happened to Russia? They revolted and half their population died. Furthermore, for the better part of a century Russia was led under fascist, virtual martial law. Gosh, Wizarding World, sounds exactly like what happened to you. I wish there was a group of teenagers who would have killed Joseph Stalin before he could kill 35.5 million Russians. I guess everyone isn't as lucky as you.

Perhaps, Wizarding World, you should get off your magical high horse and really take a look at yourselves. Perhaps, all these angry, radical terrorists that seem to crop up in the thousands are a reaction to the undemocratic, pretentious and unforgiving society you have put in place. I'm sure if you read this investigative piece of journalism you will just think "Oh. Poor Muggle. She doesn't understand anything! She can't even do magic! How pitiable!" Poor us. Poor Muggles. Yeah. Well. Listen up, dickwads, how about we drop a nuke all over Hogsmeade and we'll see what you do with your wands then.

Perhaps if for some reason the Wizarding World dropped their (basically) government run news publications and actually produced some worthwhile bipartisan journalism my words would reach someone. Perhaps if the best investigative journalist of your times wasn't Rita Skeeter (ours isn't Kitty Kelly, Jesus, get a journalism school, Wizards) and perhaps if the only alternative media source, The Quibbler, wasn't written by a veritable crazy person (and probable drug addict) this piece of journalism would matter. Maybe, if this was a piece of investigative journalism in the 60s maybe I could have done something, but now. Now. Drunk with power after destroying evil by recruiting children to do your dirty work, my words are just dust in the wind.