The Four Worst Places In The United States

I have traveled far and wide in this beautiful country we call America. I have even seen a bald eagle with my own two eyes which basically makes me an expert in all things America. While I love this wacky country, I do think there are places that should be immediately pulverized and fed to George W. Bush's dog.

I know this will offend some of you who were born in these places. You will be like: "Kate, you are from Dallas, the worst place in the world!" You will say that and I will disagree with you. I will say "Dallas has it's charm despite the fact that roughly 72% of it's population spends the hours from one to four PM drinking 40s of Milwaukee's Best and screaming the lyrics to Chopped and Screwed rap songs." I will say "Dallas has great roads even though most everyone is addicted to crack." I will say "Dallas is very chill, despite the suburban cops who will hunt you down and beat you up for being in a park at 9:30 PM." Then, I will shut up and slink away because you were right all along. Alas, we're not here to talk about Dallas though, we're here to talk about the real assholes of America. The real cesspools of this Land of the Free.

Bridgeport, Connecticut

The shittiest thing about Connecticut is that it fools you into believing that it's not so bad. It always starts with: "Oh! I'm going to spend the weekend in Connecticut and it will be so charming! Just like Gilmore Girls. Oh, those Gilmore Girls! They talk so fast and they're so quirky!" Then you meet people from there and you're more excited! You meet them and they seem funny and engaging. They seem like the kind of people you can share a bottle of wine and shoot the shit with. Then four or five times after meeting them they throw out something like "Oh by the way, I'm addicted to heroin!" or "Oh by the way, I belong to a cult that believes all Asian people are vampires sucking the joy out of the world!" Then you actually get to the real place and it's nothing like television has you believe. It is overcast, cold and rainy no matter what season it is. You quickly realize there is nothing charming about the four abandoned buildings that make up Bridgeport, Connecticut. Those cute little town squares everyone talks about are really just alleyways full of people who want to rob you, stab you in the abdomen and leave you for dead next to a trashcan of smoldering chemical waste product. So, all in all, here you are, in Connecticut, you don't have a kidney, it's cold outside and the only thing there is to do is cry in a puddle of you own blood, chewing on the fresh human feces a large man named T-Bone made you eat. Did you know the Navy used to be stationed in Bridgeport? Real live armed forces? The Navy is not there anymore though. You know where they went? Anywhere else on the fucking planet.

Also: Connecticut is hard to spell. No state should ever be hard to spell. Nor should any city (That means you, Cincinnati.) Another interesting fact, when I was searching through pictures of Bridgeport- it came up with a picture of the Dallas skyline captioned "Ice Skating In Bridgeport!"

Detroit, MI

It is so surprising to me that the city of Detroit hasn't been broken down and sold for parts yet. Is there really any reason Detroit needs to exist? Ford? Nobody likes Ford. Nobody buys Ford cars. Can't we just outsource our cars from Japan? Isn't that what everybody does anyway? If you Google image search Detroit the fifth picture is a dilapidated couch thrown on top of a trash pile on the side of the street. This is probably one of the nicer parts of Detroit. Detroit is like Connecticut in that it is dreary all the time but it's also worse than Connecticut in one fundamental way: everybody who lives there is unhappy. I think that when factory workers all across the country get laid off, they get shipped to Detroit to slowly waste away. Also, it is proven fact that people from Detroit have the most annoying regional accents of anywhere in the United States. At any given moment, it seems that one of them might break into a nasally rendition of Purple Rain. Detroit just reminds me of sad dogs. Really sad dogs.

Houston, TX
Houston is just the worst. Houston has the consistent aura of overweight people wearing too many sweaters. It's humid all the time and full of obese people. In the film Independence Day, Houston got blown up, which is probably the greatest kindness any alien species could do for us wee humans. Houston also comes out with terrible rap music. Houston rap music represents the worst things you have to witness or hear about in high school. Houston rap music is that guy Paul who has a weed leaf tattooed in black light on his upper arm and hosts purple drank parties on Tuesdays. Paul's house is where some poor girl loaded on cough syrup gets gang-banged by four guys who keep assuring her they are her boyfriend when in reality they are just some dudes from her Biology class. It's just abysmal in Houston. In the summer, the rate of humidity is 90%. 90 FUCKING PERCENT. So, not only is there bad rap music and racist, rich white people. It's really miserable to just stand outside and mind your own business.

Ohio (the whole state)

Did you know Cincinnati had race riots ten years ago? Yeah, not the 1950s. TEN YEARS AGO. Police killed 15 black males under the age of 40 (who had no weapons on them, by the way) during which four cops died. Then, after wards, no policemen were dismissed or had any charges brought against them. Just some extra training. Race riots! For four days! Ohio is a ill-tempered wasteland of races still fighting each other and then also soap factories. Ohio has a negative net population migration- which means that people are fleeing the state in scores. Yes, I'll admit, Bone Thugs N Harmony are from Ohio and they rule. However for every Bone Thug there is 100 Charles Mansons, Jeffrey Dahmers and Ulysses S. Grants (fun fact: most corrupted president!) that come fleeing from Ohio, ready to pour scalding water into your eye-socket.

So, there you have it. It's time we improve these cities or just abandon them. Really, just abandon them is the best idea. Start up anew. There is countless possibilities for the world if we shut down Bridgeport or Detroit. If you're not going to dispose of them, though, might as well just open Disneyland's in every single one of these cities. That would definitely work. Fact: Disneyland is the best place on Earth.