What To Do About The Annoying Celebrity Problem

America, we have a problem. I know what you're going to say: the economy, illegal immigration, the fact gay marriage is only legalized in one state that matters, fear-mongering republicans, fear-mongering Evangelical Christians, the ongoing spread of racism, the flailing public education system, overcrowded prisons, white collar crime, Casey Anthony getting off scott free for killing her kids, OJ Simpson getting off scott free for killing lots of people, women getting paid less than men, Harry Potter is ending and nobody getting the medical care they need. Well, then you'd be wrong. I'll tell you what our problem is and that is Josh Duhamel.

Yes, America we have a problem that nobody seems to care about and that is celebrities who don't know how to shut the hell up. Who cares that the economy is broke, I can deal with the economy being broke, what I can't deal with is a 173 hour TV marathon of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. What I can't deal with is seeing a movie I think is going to be about cars that turn into robots, boobs and explosions yet instead I get a drama about Josh Duhamel's Problems. What's even MORE concerning is that these obnoxious celebrities think they have sway over things that DO matter. Say Katherine Heigel came out and said "You know what, we should do something about AIDS. Really help spread the word of sexual health and hand out clean needles and condoms to stop the spread of AIDS." I agree with that. I think AIDS blows. However, now that Katherine Heigel said it I want to say "Fuck everything Katherine Heigl says! No condoms ever again AIDS for everyone." Now, I don't actually think that but my aversion to Katherine Heigl is so strong I've begun to actively hope the world will progress in a backwards fashion. Ashton Kutcher says drive a Prius, I'm buying a Hummer. Frankie Munez says don't do drugs, I'm going to snort so much cocaine I'll be shitting blood. Annoying celebrities have such an adverse effect on society that they turn we groundlings into savages. On top of that, these people- this scum of the Earth- get paid millions of dollars of year to suck the joy out of the general pubic. Millions of dollars. Sometimes thousands of dollars at a time just for showing up at a fucking club. Here I am, spending $20 on a watered down Mojito and Ryan Renyolds gets to drink for free. I hesitate to say this, but... it feels like there's no justice left in this little world of ours.

So, that's why we must act and we must act quickly. These celebrities must be stopped and here's what I suggest: Celebrity Containment Program. I don't want to kill anybody. You don't want to kill anybody. We shouldn't revert to homicide because there are no other options available because that's not true- there ARE other options available. It's time we started treating these celebrities like communists. Meaning what, you ask? Meaning we take these celebrities by force and relocate them to a secure bunker hundreds of feet below the Earth's surface and never let them out ever again.

Okay. So it sounds bad when I say it that way. That sounds like prison. It won't COMPLETELY be like prison. All our most annoying celebrities would still get the most luxurious of comforts they would enjoy on the Earth's surface. Elegant furniture, big screen TVs, video game consoles, leatherbound books, Russian baths, delicacies from around the world, perhaps a high tech Earth Room that simulates the sound of the ocean or the smell of freshly cut grass. Hell, we'll throw Fergie in for Josh Duhamel's pleasure. We would spare no expense to make these celebrities as comfortable as possible on one condition- they can never appear on television, speak to the press, be photographed or otherwise interact with the outside world as long as they live.

I think that's a good deal. I think it would improve the world tenfold. Tell me, Blake Lively, do you want to save the polar bears? Take one for the team and lock yourself underground for the rest of your life to "reduce your carbon footprint." Even on a more practical and less aesthetic level, America, think of how many jobs will open up when the entire cast of Glee has been compromised. So many! If anything, this containment program will STIMULATE the economy. So celebrities, I urge you to consider a lovely lifelong vacation hundreds of miles away from the rest of us. If not for your fellow man do it for the future of society. I mean- lets be real here- you might as well agree seeing as you can buy chloroform in stores so you don't really have a choice.