An Open Letter to NFL Quarterbacks

Dear NFL Quarterbacks,

Why are every single one of you idiots? Is it because of the concussions and the consistently getting hit in the face and knocked on the ground in a heap of overweight defensive linemen? Is that it? Because you guys parade around doing such stupid shit, and it's not just one of you. It's all of you. So, here you go, NFL quarterbacks, on the day after the Super Bowl my message is this: Stop being so fucking stupid.

1. Aaron Rodgers

Dear Aaron, good job winning the Super Bowl! That was awesome. Then the NFL gave you a super gay shiny red car. That's pretty cool too. You can prowl around in that supes cute brand new cherry red Camaro and catcall bitches. And then those said bitches will be certain of your large penis. As if they weren't certain after you won the Super Bowl, they are now, you dog you. This is a great week for Aaron Rogers penis! Now, everyone knows it's better than Brett Favre's penis. You are totally able to have sex with whoever you want to. Yet you pick Vanessa from Gossip Girl. Vanessa. The worst celebrity ever. She looks like Eli Manning except with longer hair and skimpier clothes. You could have had anyone, Aaron, anyone. This is inexcusable. That is why you are my first example of quarterbacks who make poor decisions. You represent their proclivity to bang annoying celebrities. If you're going to bang a celebrity (which is a bad idea, think Tony Romo circa dating Jessica Simpson. He just sucked.) then at least have it be a decent celebrity. Like, hm, maybe somebody on Law and Order? Not Gossip Girl? Want better advise? Just date a model. Much hotter and much less annoying. Models don't say much, they just look awesome. That is why Tom Brady won MVP- because his wife is Gisele Bundchen and I'm pretty sure she doesn't speak English- she just bangs him and makes him sandwich after sandwich. Would Jessica Szohr do that? No, she would just smell like farts and drunk cry about how her dad beat her and didn't love her why did he never love her? Boo.

2. Mark Sanchez

Mark Sanchez, you are a beautiful man thing. I made you the background of my brother's computer once and he didn't change it because even straight men know you are a beautiful man thing. You aren't even a man, you are a beautiful work of art sent down by the gods in heaven for the good deeds of Mother Teresa. You could be anything. You could be president. I would vote for you for president. Even if I found out that you were illiterate I would still vote for you because good looks are more important than smarts. Yet, you do things to piss me off. It's all just very sad. I just have one question, Mark. You could have sexual intercourse with whoever you want to and you choose a seventeen year-old girl? Why? That's just a lack of judgement. A poor lack in judgement. I know teenage girls are hot and all but you can still a bang a teenage girl who isn't in high school anymore! Mark Sanchez, if the NFL fines you for this (which they probably will because the NFL hates all fun) then you deserve it. You could have sex with whoever you want to! Whoever! Ugh! I don't want to have to get a fake ID that says I'm 17 to bang you.

3. Ben Roethlisberger, you made the same mistake as Mark Sanchez except for one distinction. You probably couldn't have sex with whoever you wanted. You're an incredible quarterback but you also kind of look like a Neanderthal.

See Figure 1.1:

You see what I mean? While this is no means a deal breaker, I'm sure roughly 65% of women would still have sex with you because you have won three Super Bowls (although not yesterday's) there is still a good 35% who wouldn't bang you because you look like Ambomidable Snowman. Don't worry though, Ben, you showed them. You're totally richer than anybody who may think you look like a mentally-challenged Big Foot! And, being a quarterback, you are basically an American Hero. So, don't feel bad. That being said... I know you may have some lingering insecurities from before you were an NFL quarterback millionaire. When you were an awkward teen at Big Foot Junior High. Maybe that is why you sometimes date rape girls. I don't know! I don't know the mind of someone who sometimes gets girls slobbering, vomiting drunk and then attempts to have sex with them. Maybe there is a deep, underlying reason that has to do with your mother or father or walking in on your uncle having sex with a twelve year-old boy- I don't know! What I do know is that you shouldn't do that. Partly, because it is slimy. Partly, because it is against the law. But mainly because you really don't have to do that to have sex with women. There is still that 65%. There is some girl out there who will soberly (or tipsy, that's okay) give herself up to you. It will be great and there's a decent shot she'll be attractive. So, whether it be in the bathroom of a TGI Friday's or in your mansion- you don't have to slip anything into women's drinks to have sex with them. In fact, if you keep doing that you may fall out of favor with Mike Tomlin. Then with the NFL. Then nobody will want you. Where will your millions and American Hero status go after that? Arena football? Who will have sex with you then? That 65% will dwindle substantially. Don't let that happen, Ben. Get a therapist, work through your problems, stop pounding painfully drunk chicks and keep playing football!

4. Michael Vick

Michael Vick, You run very fast and that's so cool! But then you kill dogs! Don't kill dogs! Putting the moral reasons aside, you know how much PETA is going to bug you for the rest of your life? If PETA started throwing blood on me I would not be very happy at all. That would be so annoying. PETA is so annoying and they will keep bothering you. Just don't fight dogs. People don't like that. It makes you look like kind of a prick. You went to prison though so I guess you learned your lesson. Just run very fast. People will forget about the dog thing. Then maybe one day you can get a puppy and you can name him Yoshi and you and Yoshi will have grand old times and you can rough-house (but in a fun, playful puppy/human way, not a Spike Lee way) and have long walks on the beach and hopefully Yoshi won't die in a barn somewhere covered in the blood of a Great Dane and thirteen Vietnamese gangsters. Hopefully.

5. Brett Favre, Point end case.