I want to start off this letter by saying that I am a HUGE fan. I absolutely love Mean Girls (Like that part when the Santa Claus hands out all those candy-canes and he says "Glenn Coco? FOUR FOR YOU, GLEN COCO! You go Glenn Coco." Brings the house down every time. I know you weren't in that scene but still.) I have followed your career since I was a wee little girl watching Parent Trap and thinking you were the Olsen Twins and just dyed your hair and drew on freckles. That's besides the point. The point is- I love you. I love your work. I think you're not unattractive. So. Lets talk.
When you grew up into the dainty lady you are today- you started going to bars and partying and I was like O.K. this is what any young girl who grew up in the Hollywood sphere would do, a little drinking here and there. Well, you took that and you ran with it, Lindsay. While a Tuesday night used to be having a few drinks with Paris Hilton and going home around 2ish. A Tuesday night turned into you passing out in some 40 year-old man named Chip's bathroom who may-or-may-not be paparazzi with a needle lodged somewhere between your wrist and elbow. So then I was like O.K. little weird but whatever. Then you got arrested and I was like "Oh, Lindsay what have you done to yourself?"
It's totally fine to shoot up heroin and snort coke simultaneously in some bathroom at a TGI Fridays. In fact it is a little impressive you are physically able to do that. However, it is quite a different situation to be in jail with all the normal folk for drugs. Normal people! Un-famous people! Come on, Lindsay, you need to pull yourself together. I mean not because you were ever a role-model for kids. That is just laughable. Even when you were young you were in a movie where you deceived your parents just because you thought it would be funny. Wanna know where your mom in that movie is now? Dead. Yep. Dead. Then, even after THAT, you got big boobs and wanted to show them to everyone. And then you did. So, all in all, I'm not telling you to pull yourself together because you were once upon a time a role model for young children. HAH. I'm doing it because you are intermingling with D-Listers.
Lindsay, you are not a D-Lister! You are an A-Lister! You don't need to be in the parking lot of a Costco lying in your own urine mumbling lines from Herbie Fully Loaded in a drug induced catatonic stupor. You need to be a movie star and maybe even a Scientologist. Huh? Huh?? Right? Doing coke the day you get out of jail is not going to do that. And it's not even that you did coke. That's whatever- who cares. It's just that every self-respecting drug addict knows that when you are in danger of failing a drug test you drink eight gallons of cran-apple juice to wash out your system. Didn't you go to high school, Lindsay? Oh. Wait. Right.
So, I've taken it upon myself to take you in as a charity project. I mean Dina Lohan is obviously an unfit parent and a little bit of a bitch- no offense, Lindsay, but she is. Also, you're a 24 year-old millionaire. Why is your mom even taking care of you? Shouldn't you pay someone for that? I won't even accept money! This is totally probono. Listen, Lindsay, I know how hard it is to be addicted to cocaine. I can lock you in a room with the Basketball Diaries playing over-and-over for 37 hours. I can bring you cucumber water you will soon vomit out of your nose on 4,000 count Egyptian sheets. I can be the one to hold your hair back as you vomit on those sheets! I'll make sure Ali doesn't try to steal your spotlight while you're gone by kidnapping her and dropping her off in the middle of Death Valley with nothing but a bottle of Vitamin Water and a hair pin. I'll be that source who tells US Weekly "You know I was worried about Lindsay, but now, not things are better." Okay, so I might take money for that and spend it on an eightball and a fifth of whiskey, but I will not do any of that around you. I will do it at least in the other room. OMG. This is going to be so much fun! I will take care of you, Lindsay. I will make you better! I will be your sailboat during the storm. Or something. I don't know- we'll hire someone to think of a better metaphor.
But, really I'm only doing this to serve my 300 hours of community service for my own DIY. See ya soon, LiLo!
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