Well, you did it America, I mean World, you did it. You banded together and launched a simultaneous attack on the alien invaders and you killed them. Good job, World, you saved the World. On this day, our Independence Day, we humble humans with our puny technology beat out telekinetic aliens I once heard described as "like locusts. They're moving from planet to planet... their whole civilization. After they've consumed every natural resource they move on." Pretty scary, huh? Well, not anymore, World, because you kicked their ass. Jeff Goldblum loaded some spyware on their computer, and after several pop-ups proclaiming "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU JUST WON A BRAND NEW IPAD" their computers blew up and with it all of their defenses. And then you nuked them, World. You nuked them and it was awesome. There was dancing in the streets celebration on the steps of the pyramids as the aliens spacecraft crashed to the Earth in a flaming, impotent heap. We had lived. The aliens had not.
What now?
Before anybody knew what to do the aliens had already destroyed several cities. New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Moscow, London, Paris, Houston. They're all gone. Destroyed. Houston! What will the Earth do without Houston!?!?!? If every economic stronghold left in the world is destroyed how do you expect to rebuild a global economy? What do we do now? Ah, the aliens are dead, guess I'll go back to work at... Oh, wait. Currency is useless now. Best case scenario: we're about to enter a global economic and political reconstruction the likes of which we have never seen before in recorded history. Worst case scenario: Worldwide panic and systematic murder of one another in resulting chaos.
Yeah, the aliens are gone, but so is the stock market. Not only that but several worldwide cities are now graveyards of twisted, burning infrastructure. Do you think FEMA knows what to do? FEMA is shitting it's pants right now! And that's If FEMA is still even there, seeing as it was in Washington D.C- which no longer exists by the way in case you were too busy dancing on the steps of the pyramids to realize. How do you expect going about rebuilding a country that's population is mostly dead or trapped under smoking rubble? I don't think the New Deal is going to solve this impending economic depression. World War III is not going to float all our economies.
Besides that. Do you know how that smoking rubble got there in the first place? Well, let's look back on the events of yesterday. Giant alien spacecrafts opened up their primary weapon and shot a beam of weird laser energy and then uhh, ah hell, I'll just show you:
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? No! Seriously! What was that? I've never seen anything on Earth do that! It's a nuclear bomb times 1,000,000. That had to be radioactive. It's a giant cloud of fire! There's no doubt that was radioactive. So, basically, on top of everything else we're probably going into a nuclear winter because, even though I'm no expert, that seems like the likely product of giant cloud of fire caused via laser beam. Moreover, let me remind you once more that this didn't happen just in a couple cities. This happened everywhere. If there is one event that's going to trigger massive and devastating climate change it is this. Not to mention remember all those alien spacecraft we sent hurtling toward the ground engulfed in flames? Remember those? What were in those? Probably nothing good. Probably not something you can find on the periodic table of fucking elements. How are we supposed to clean something up when we don't know what it is! Not to mention, it's stupid to think that there aren't any alien survivors. There definitely are. Yes, giant aliens with tentacles and telekinetic powers are roaming around the Earth, pretty pissed off right about now.
Basically, World, this is not good news. On an economic level, it's bad news. On a societal level, it's bad news. On a environmental level, it's bad news. On a basic human health level, it's bad news. Bad, bad, bad news. So, the question is. What do we do now? How do we continue to survive as a race. Because after the huge victory of defeating the aliens I am not ready to die of radiation-induced lymphoma. Nope. Not me. I'm an American! And this is our Independence Day! I am not about to die via the extenuating circumstances of an alien invasion. I don't know about you guys, but fuck the aliens. Fuck those guys.
So, what now? I'll tell you what now, World. We take those bastards for all that their worth. We take those fancy-shmancy alien scientists down at Area 51 and we make them fix those goddamn spacecrafts. We did it for Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum's alien taxi cab- we can do it for those giant circular thingies. We fix them. All of them. And then what? I'll tell you what, we get the fuck off this rock. I didn't even like it anyway, fuck Earth, man. I don't want to be here, its small and cramped and filled with deadly radiation. There's gotta be somewhere better and I'm getting out while the gettin's good. Where do we go, you ask. Well, I'll tell you where we go. We move somewhere else, to another world, another civilization. We take all it's resources and technology and move on. We'll get stronger. And we'll continue doing this for the rest of eternity. We will survive, World. Because that is what we are. We are survivors. We kicked alien ass before and, goddamnit, we will do it again. We will band together once more! We will be like locusts! Moving from planet to planet! Our whole civilization! After we've consumed every natural resource we move on! Because that's what we do, humanity, we kick alien ass. Forever and always.
No comments:
Post a Comment