I Hate Fox & Friends

I hate Fox & Friends. It is incredible how much I hate Fox & Friends. I don't think it's possible to hate anything as much as I hate Fox & Friends. Except, maybe Nazis. For Me it is 1. Nazis 2. Fox & Friends 3. Dave Matthews Band. I hate those things. But this is not about Dave Matthews Band or Nazis. This is about Fox & Friends.

For the last month twice a week I have been assigned to watch Fox & Friends for Gawker TV and each week I gain a new and unique reason to absolutely hate this show. I would like to begin by saying I don't hate Fox & Friends because it is a morning show on Fox News and, therefore, it is conservative. No. I hate Fox & Friends because they're boring.

This is the overall structure of Fox & Friends: Report vague worldwide stories: (Hurricane in the Phillipines. Chilean Miners. A policeman asleep on the job in Oklahoma. Five year-old girl says "How Being In Jail Is Like Being In Limbo") then they have a pow-wow about how liberals suck. Except, it's not an interesting pow-wow, it's usually that skeletor-looking blonde woman making a bitchy sounding claim and the old guy going"Gretchen, don't you think you're taking this a little too seriously?" to which she screeches at him "Noooooooo, Steve, this is DESTROYING America, DESTROYING it." and he then goes "Gretchen, calm down, it's just Stephen Colbert, he's just a comedian." and then the other guy chimes in "Yeah, Gretchen, seriously. Healthcare is destroying America not Stephen Colbert" and she screeches more ("NO NO NO NO NO NO NO") and then they cut to commercial. Even this description is exaggerating how entertaining this show is. Imagine what I just described in the least entertaining way possible and that is what this show is.

Then they talk about politics, which is the really sad part of this newscast, because it's usually segments like "Are Women The New Swing Vote?" where they try really, really, really hard to say women actually do relate to Sarah Palin or Christine O'Donnell. Except they have no proof of this, it's three obscure pundits like "Woman on Atlanta Public Access Early Morning Talk Show" talking about their opinions and maybe, maybe, a poll with no citation whatsoever to any real polltaker. Then they play a tenuous bass line on top of these segments which makes human beings' feel disoriented and discombobulated and probably hypnotizes cats.

So this goes on for an hour except they replace "Are Women The New Swing Vote?" with "Mexican Assassins Sent Into Arizona To Kill?" and sometimes they change the various vague world news pieces but mainly they just report on the same news over and over for FOUR hours. Replaying the same news bits and the same tenuous bass line and all the dumb pow-wows.

At least Glenn Beck squirts blood out of his eye and spouts utter nonsense for an hour on his show. At least Bill O'Reilly screams a lot at people on his show. I like that more than three hours of the most boring news around punctuated with forgettable hosts and "um ah so yeah it's not raining in Kansas today!"

Fuck You, Fox & Friends. Fuck you.