Five Awesome Things To Do At Bars

Have you ever gone to a bar and went, well this is boring. Yeah, me too. But I got over it, mainly by adhering to these five great activities to do at bars. Here are five things to do at bars to assure that you have the most exciting Sunday at 3:00 AM ever!

1. Convince a fully grown adult to do a jagerbomb. Usually, after college the jagerbomb falls to the wayside. A shot of Jager and some Red Bull? That is the unsophisticated sort of drinking done by frat boys and scantily-clad women at some Lacrosse party at Duke. That is the unsophisticated sort of drinking that is followed by a stripper gang-rape scenario that makes your Gender Studies class like totally awkward for the next four months. Thank you very much, but I'll take my white wine spritzer instead. It's hard to convince a hard-working professional to do a jagerbomb but it is possible. Step One: Make sure they are already sort of drunk (white wine spritzer number four) Step Two: Engage them in some sort of witty banter. Maybe make a joke, or a fake reference ("Did you see that man over there do a jagerbomb? Classy, huh, right? HAH.") Step Three: Challenge them ("You should do a jagerbomb. IRONIC, right? It would be so hilarious.") If this doesn't work, which it will, because fully grown adults love irony then you can resort to Plan B. Which maybe should be your Plan A solely for the comedy. Plan B: If they still won't do the jagerbomb then you say "Okay, fine, lets see what the rest of the bar thinks." Then you go around and take a poll of the entire bar on whether this person should do a jagerbomb. Rally everyone together, and publicly shame them into doing the jagerbomb. Either way, that jagerbomb is going to be drunk and it's going to be entertaining.

2. Play a Drinking Game With That Drunk Guy Asleep In The Corner. Ah, drunk guy asleep in the corner. You are there, day and night, lurking, half asleep in the corner. You try to stay awake, but you just drank too damn much. Your appearance might change but there you are, slumped in a chair, surrounded by your friends, your friends who have forgotten you. I haven't forgotten you, drunk guy. I haven't forgotten you. So, you and a friend sit near the Sleeping Drunk Guy, but not too close. Sit at least five feet away. Train your eyes on him. Under no circumstances should you look away. Every time his eyes flutter open or he twitches a bit to the side, take a drink. There are two warnings about this game though. 1, Sleepy Drunk Guy may completely lose consciousness so the game could get boring fast. 2, Sleepy Drunk Guy may completely gain consciousness and catch on the game and get mad at you for using his current sloppy state as entertainment. Things might get belligerent fast.If all goes well though, you'll be drunk and giggling the entire night.

3. Find a French guy. He's allusive but he's there. Just look for a thin mustache, a cardigan and an air of pretension. Tell him to "Speak France." If he does, buy him a shot, if he doesn't, he's a dick, so start berating him with questions about France. ("Do they have houses in France? What about paved roads? Is there electricity? Why do French people smell so funny? Do they smell funny in France? Who is King of France these days anyway? What do they call French Fries in France? Do they call them Freedom Fries? That's what we call them in America. How accurate was the movie Moulin Rouge?") This can work for any foreign country actually, and most regions of America too.

4. Get People To Make Out. Hey! You! Come on! Make out! It'll be fun! Yeah! HEY-O! It's easy to get people to make out. Mainly because everybody wants to make out. Especially when they're drunk. What is great about drunk people is that they will make out with basically anybody. No man, woman, child or dog is off-limits to the drunk person. This activity has a 100% success rate. It may take some time but they will make-out and it will be epic. And usually disgusting! What you do is find a group of friends. A herd is best, congregated in a corner, huddled over empty beer bottles. Go over to them and find one person. Become friends with them. Ask them about their life. Ingratiate yourselves to them. Form a camaraderie. Migrate to an adjacent group of people with completely different characteristics. Maybe the person you found was a young hipster chick, and you walk over to some slightly overweight bros, or some late 30s aging businessmen, or really drunk Asians. The possibilities are endless. Then just point blank ask them to make out. Just go for it. They'll appreciate your directness. They want to make out. They totally already do. You're just a catalyst. Hey, maybe they'll get married and love each other forever. Or maybe it'll just be a lone hook up with maybe a boob grab. Either way, it will be hilarious. Also, funniest hook-ups: people in the army.

5. Most likely there is a TV with some sort of sports game. There will be one avid sports fan. At least one. Probably a group. Every sports team has a rivalry, right? Find out what that rivalry is and milk it. Say there is a Yankees/Red Sox game on and you are in New York City. Start talking about the Red Sox as if you had no idea they were Yankees fans. You don't even have to know much about sports. In fact, it's better that you go about this with an air of ignorance. "Wow, the Red Sox are pretty good this year, aren't they? Who pitches for them? Either way they're pretty good. I think they'll go to the World Series. Probably win it too. What a great franchise." The sports fan is already annoyed with you at this point but he won't push you away. He will try to correct you. The sports fan will always try to correct your world view. Keep feigning ignorance, you can even say "This isn't a Red Sox bar?" The great thing about sports fans is this: they just want to fight with you. Fighting with sports fans is fun because they get completely worked up over sports. Sports! They're not even playing the sports! Yet, they will still come to blows over said sports. I have once watched nine Phillies fans beat the shit out of a guy in a Yankees shirt. Most likely, these sports fans won't punch you, but they might. If they do: Run. Or fight back. If you're a girl you can just show them your boobs and you're back in their good graces. It's up to you. Either way it will be one memorable night.**

You may read this and say: "Kate, why are you using other people for your own entertainment." Because drunk people want to be used. They want to be used by other drunk people for entertainment purposes. And that is beautiful. It is beautiful that we can all come together on a Friday or Saturday night (or a Tuesday afternoon) and let loose are inhibitions! It's a testament to human beings that we can be so comfortable with other people. Drunk. At bars.

**By the way, Phillies fans are the best fans ever. They just want to fight each other, vomit on the field, get tased for running onto the field, and drink a lot in the daytime.