How Elin Nordegren Ruined Golf

Not that there was much to ruin. Golf may be the worst possible idea for a sport. Let me tell you a little bit about golf. It's precise origin is unclear- probably because whoever invented it was either a.) viciously murdered by an irate mob or b.) doesn't want anybody to know that he invented golf because of the chance he might be viciously murdered by an irate mob. The sport was invented by the Romans, everyone thinks, so I'm sure it was much cooler then seeing as it probably involved severed heads and lions. However, now golf is mostly played by wealthy, middle aged white folk. You want to know why? BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AT ALL IN SHAPE TO PLAY GOLF. So, most of the golf playing in the world is reserved to the wealthy in exotic locales like Maui or Arlington, TX.

And on top of all that, people still somehow expect us to care about this sport. To watch it on TV. They expect us to indulge these rich white men. There is an entire channel dedicated to golf. A whole golf culture. And then, when we do dedicate a bit of our time to watching golf- they don't even let us drink ourselves into oblivion, yell and fight people. What kind of sport is that? I'll tell you what kind of sport. An un-American one.

And then- out of nowhere - golf got a Michael Jordan. A dude who truly dominated golf. Who gave all these rich white folk a run for their money. Tiger Woods dominated golf when he was four years old. Apparently at age three he shot a 48 over nine holes. I have no idea what that means but it has to be good if it's included in his wikipedia article. You know what I was doing at age three? I don't remember but certainly not playing golf against Bob Barker. So here is this child prodigy royally kicking all these old white dude's asses when he's pretty much still in diapers. And he's black too. Not only black but Chinese and Native American too. Holy shit! Finally! It's about fucking time, am I right? Black dude going around in a white man's sport winning championships, getting sweet endorsements, making money, kicking ass, being awesome. Then he gets married to a hot Swede, which is good because she probably doesn't know English and can leave Tiger to his own devises. Right? Right?
Wrong.
Not too long ago it became clear in the newspapers and whatnot that Tiger Woods has a lot of sex with a lot of different people that aren't his wife. And somehow this was a shock to people. Because it's sooooooooooooooooooooooooo weird when good looking, rich, athletes sleep with a lot of different women. That totally, like, never happens and it's so totally, like, wrong. So now everyone is dropping his endorsement deals, and printing articles about how much of an asshole he is, his wife is going to leave him and take all his money, stupid bitches posted his sex text messages which while being wildly entertaining is still pretty low. And now, because everybody is giving him so much shit all the time- he can't play golf as well as he used to.

You know who's fault this is? Elin Nordegren. Famous athletes have a lot of sex with everybody. It's always been that way since the beginning of time. Take Magic Johnson, he was awesome at basketball and he also had sex with everybody. I mean, that one kind of bit him in the ass but still- he was awesome. My point is, Elin Nordegren is walking around on the cover of Us Weekly being all "Poor me, my husband cheated on me! How will I live? He's so cruel. Boo Hoo." She's married to a young athelete, who is also rich and famous, of course he was going to cheat! And she probably knew he was. When Elin Nordegren met Tiger Woods, she was working in a clothing store. Now she has everything she could possibly want! Fancy vacations, multiple houses, everything! How can I feel bad for that woman? I can't. The trade off for being a golddigger and having everything is that you tolerate infidelity. It's a fact of life. Elin Nordegren needs to watch more Mad Men. But no. Now, she's leaving him, getting a talk show (does she even know English?? Even if she does what does she possibly have to say?) and a shit-ton of endorsements. Tiger Woods sucks at golf and therefore- nobody gives a shit anymore.

The PGA is shitting it's pants I bet.

I know this is six months too late but it needs to be said. Tiger, don't let one Swedish woman bring you down. Yeah, she's the mother of your kids, but there are other fish in the sea. Go back to fucking whoever you want, go back to the world of golden showers. We all have our flaws. If yours makes you good at sports, so be it. Dive into the sea of titties that awaits you. And win more championships. Remember, Tiger, you're a god.