Why Texas Is The Best State On Earth

1. Rick Perry, contrary to popular belief, is not the only resident of Texas. Nor is George W. Bush the only resident in Texas. Yes. Rich white people who have no compassion for the poor and hate minorities exist. They live in Texas. Bigoted politicians also live in Texas. Those people also live everywhere. To blame a state of 25 million people for the actions of a handful of people is absolutely ridiculous. Do you ever go "California. EH. They have nice beaches, but y'know- Richard Nixon" or "Boy, I love Maryland but JOHN WILKES BOOTH MURDERED THE PRESIDENT!!!!!" No. Nobody says that. Because basing the livability of a state off a few infamous people who happened to be born there is stupid. On the other hand, if you are going to take that stance, here's a fun list:
People from Texas:

1. Academy Award winning actor Chris Cooper
2. Country singer Willie Nelson (who owns a gas station in Carl's Corner, TX because he likes Texas so much.)
   
3. John Archibald, a physicist known for coining the term "black hole," Michael Stuart Brown, who won a Nobel Prize for helping develop drugs that lower cholesterol and extend people's lives that 16 million Americans use, at LEAST four other Nobel Prize winners.
4. Edward White- first American astronaut to walk in space.
5. Wiley Post- first person to fly solo around the world.
6. DAVEY CROCKETT

I don't know about you but that's impressive. Sure we have our share of Branch Davidians and Billy the Kid's (the latter is pretty awesome you can't deny it.) But so does everyone, you can make a claim that Texas sucks but don't give me Rick Perry as some sort of all-encompassing example.

2. Texas has awesome food. Men's Health ranked Corpus Christi, TX as the fattest city in America. El Paso and Dallas are 3 and 4 respectively. Houston and San Antonio are also in the top ten. Putting health issues aside for one moment- how do you think these people got so fat? It's because Texas has damn good food. First: Mexicans. Tex-Mex is awesome. Enchiladas. Chimichangas. Refried Beans. Food of this kind is unrivaled (Fuck you, California. Fuck you and your Huevos Rancheros.) anywhere else in the States. Second: BBQ. Texas has four separate styles of barbecuing. FOUR in one state. Also, the Texas philosophy for good barbecue is "you can never have enough beef" which is so American it hurts. Mesquite grilled ribs drizzled in honey-barbecue sauce. UNRIVALED. Third: Whataburger. One word: Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit.
Finally, this is a restaurant in Austin:
To have the freedom to put chicken fingers AND mozzarella sticks on your sandwich is a testament to the versatility of Texas.

3. Beer. I don't know if you've had Shiner Bock but it's excellent. It was started in 1909 by German immigrant Kosmas Spoetzl who worked for nine years in Egypt making beer at the PYRAMIDS. No joke. Also: I went to a bar last night. $3.75 for a double Gin & Tonic.

4. There's a family owned waterpark called Schlitterbahn which is spring fed by the Guadelupe River. No chlorine. So awesome. In fact, Texas has lots of beautiful rivers that are great for canoeing and other water sports. I canoed a 30 mile stretch of the Rio Grande once. The water is brown but it's beautiful.
5. We have deserts, and mountains, and cities, AND beaches. Suck it.

6. Yes, there are Republicans and stupid conservatives. However, I'm a 21 year-old female and I didn't go to school with any of those people. I didn't know any of those people and I lived in Highland Park for a short while- where the median family income is $150,ooo and where this shit happens. Even there young people are pretty liberal. Very few young people are conservative, bigoted or racist. So, while there's a conservative generation ahead of us, they won't be around forever.

7. Fuck your debt ceiling bullshit, the Texan economy is basically unaffected. Everything is awesome here. The gross state product is the second highest in the country. The median household income is only $50,000 but guess what- it's still pretty good because the cost of living is so damn cheap. Whether it's because of oil or the overwhelming swell of immigrants from Mexico- demand in Texas is higher than ever. The country may be falling apart but Texas isn't. In fact: it's almost like there is no global financial crisis in Texas.

8. Texans are friendly. They just want to watch football and chill. When people pass you on the street to say "Hi" they just want to say hi. They don't want your money. So, get that subway gaze out of here and hang with Texans. The Texas state motto is "Friendship." At a bar last night, a guy wanted to buy me a drink and came back from the bar with an entire PITCHER of beer. Chivalry is not dead in the Lone State State.

9. For those of you who hate big government- the Texas Legislature meets five months every two years. I can safely say the government is out of my business. They also make excellent roads when they do meet. Getting around in such a huge state is pretty easy because the roads are well maintained. If you've ever driven in New York City you'll know that good roads are a necessary piece of good infrastructure and also extremely rare. PS: no state income tax.

10. Texas has a really cool history. We were our own country once! Did you know that? The Alamo is such an excellent story of bravery and courage. It's nice that we have fore-bearers in this state who fought for their independence and were intensely brave about the whole thing. It's something to be proud about.


Okay. So in conclusion: say what you will about most Texans. Say what you will about Republicans, gun owners and the nutcase Christians but if there's one thing Texans have and it's pride for the place we grew up in. You don't see that shit in Connecticut. It's nice to be surrounded by people who love Texas and will defend it to the end. Yeah, it's a little insane that there are actual residents in Texas who want to secede from the United States but I think behind all the bullshit it's because those people love Texas and want to defend it from what they see as a country that's falling apart. I mean, it's sort of badass if you think about it. And that's what Texas is all about: being badass.

Na'vi: Stuck Between Rape And A Hard Place.

If you look at movies solely by numbers that means James Cameron's Avatar is the best movie ever made! That's why when Oscar season came along and people were all "The Hurt Locker should win!" I just said "The Hurt Locker? Avatar is the highest grossing movie of all time, This is America, it should win on principle." I got a lot of shit for this. That's not the point though. The point is, it's 2011 now- what the fuck is The Hurt Locker? I still know what a Na'vi is.

Unfortunately. Unfortunately I know what a Na'vi is. Avatar is actually not a good movie. It's like Pocahontas except no good songs, just Sigourney Weaver coughing. That being said, lets pretend for a moment that Avatar was real. That it wasn't just Hollywood pizzazz and expensive CGI but a real story that happened. Lets put on our imagination caps for a moment and just... wonder...

1. The Na'vi form of intercourse (art by CaitRaft) is to intertwine the hair follicles on their tail with the hair follicles of their partner's tail in the middle of the forest. I'm fine with that. Do what you have to do- you can't help your anatomy. However, the Na'vi also connect their tails to the tails of horses and birds when they want to get around the forest. So, either one of two things are happening here. One: Getting laid is the equivalent to driving a car and the Na'vi derive no pleasure from it which BORING or two: The Na'vi are just fucking horses and birds all the time. What if you had to fuck horses to make them go? I mean, it's an idea but is it not against some sort of collective Na'vi conscious? You'd think a people so ingrained in the "spirit of the forest" and all that bullshit wouldn't go around raping animals in order to domesticate them. Maybe it's just a human thing- that rape is bad? Maybe that's it? Maybe we should go out of our way to understand this people and their culture? Maybe this dialogue will happen and everything will be okay:

Human: Why do you have sex with animals when you want to use them as a means to transportation?

Na'vi: Why do you watch football, huh? Ever thought of that? You ignorant fuck.

Human: Well... I never thought of it that way. You're RIGHT.

(Human and Na'vi hold hands and skip.)

Maybe the Na'vi/Horse intercourse isn't rape and actually consensual. Then you've opened a whole NEW can of worms there. What kind of STDs are running rampant if Na'vi's are fucking horses and flying dragons JUST TO GET BY? Just to get from a mountain to the spirit tree? I'm not 100% on this, but is it not a rumor that humans got AIDS from fucking monkeys? Maybe we should tell the Na'vi that?? Warn them?? Spread the AIDS knowledge? Now I'm just spitballing but maybe this is the human plan all along to cut down their forest? Infect them with Na'vi AIDS and just let them die off themselves? Much cheaper than waging war or hiring Sigourney Weaver to make Na'vi clones. Pretty heartless if you ask me but those pesky humans love their Unobtanium, am I right?

2. Na'vi, aside from the rape issue I'm pretty okay with letting natural selection weed you out. In what universe did you think it was a good idea to make friends with the rogue agents sent in bodies that look like yours in order to "learn your culture." First off, I don't know if you've heard of this concept- it's a human concept- but typically when you dress up as a member of a hostile culture in order to learn more about them it's called being a spy. Spies aren't good. You don't want spies infiltrating your culture. However Na'vi, instead of killing this spy you let him fuck your women and learn your secrets. Who's idea was that? "Hey tribe, lets teach this man who works for tour bitter enemies learn all our secrets. Cool. Good idea. I think that's lunch." I don't understand how the Na'vi believe humans would understand their hokey tree religion. Humans HATE trees. Isn't that OBVIOUS by now seeing as humans cut down half of the forests on your Godforsaken planet? I guess not. I guess the Na'vi still think they can make friends with the humans. Na'vi, let me tell you a little story about a people called the Native American Indians. The Native American Indians had forests too, and homes, and a hokey tree religions. They had all the things you have, Na'vi, and you know what happened to them? They died. Or were forced into Oklahoma and became alcoholics. And that was about CORN not a gasoline substitute. So, basically Na'vi, your options are be killed or sent to Oklahoma. Slim pickings. However, that looks to be the direction you're heading in though due to your lack of cunning and technology. The humans have iPads, Na'vi, what do you have? Rapemobiles? You deserve to have your spirit tree bulldozed by Giovanni Ribisi. Also: Fuck you for the apostrophe in the middle of your species name. Fuck you for that.

Lastly, is this whole Avatar concept just a little bit racist, or is that just me?

Just me. Okay. Good job, guys. I think that's lunch.

P.S. Since Avatar is just like Earth with a blue color scheme, do you think the Na'vi watch movies that are just like their culture except with a human flesh color scheme. BLEW YOUR MIND.

What To Do About The Annoying Celebrity Problem

America, we have a problem. I know what you're going to say: the economy, illegal immigration, the fact gay marriage is only legalized in one state that matters, fear-mongering republicans, fear-mongering Evangelical Christians, the ongoing spread of racism, the flailing public education system, overcrowded prisons, white collar crime, Casey Anthony getting off scott free for killing her kids, OJ Simpson getting off scott free for killing lots of people, women getting paid less than men, Harry Potter is ending and nobody getting the medical care they need. Well, then you'd be wrong. I'll tell you what our problem is and that is Josh Duhamel.

Yes, America we have a problem that nobody seems to care about and that is celebrities who don't know how to shut the hell up. Who cares that the economy is broke, I can deal with the economy being broke, what I can't deal with is a 173 hour TV marathon of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. What I can't deal with is seeing a movie I think is going to be about cars that turn into robots, boobs and explosions yet instead I get a drama about Josh Duhamel's Problems. What's even MORE concerning is that these obnoxious celebrities think they have sway over things that DO matter. Say Katherine Heigel came out and said "You know what, we should do something about AIDS. Really help spread the word of sexual health and hand out clean needles and condoms to stop the spread of AIDS." I agree with that. I think AIDS blows. However, now that Katherine Heigel said it I want to say "Fuck everything Katherine Heigl says! No condoms ever again AIDS for everyone." Now, I don't actually think that but my aversion to Katherine Heigl is so strong I've begun to actively hope the world will progress in a backwards fashion. Ashton Kutcher says drive a Prius, I'm buying a Hummer. Frankie Munez says don't do drugs, I'm going to snort so much cocaine I'll be shitting blood. Annoying celebrities have such an adverse effect on society that they turn we groundlings into savages. On top of that, these people- this scum of the Earth- get paid millions of dollars of year to suck the joy out of the general pubic. Millions of dollars. Sometimes thousands of dollars at a time just for showing up at a fucking club. Here I am, spending $20 on a watered down Mojito and Ryan Renyolds gets to drink for free. I hesitate to say this, but... it feels like there's no justice left in this little world of ours.

So, that's why we must act and we must act quickly. These celebrities must be stopped and here's what I suggest: Celebrity Containment Program. I don't want to kill anybody. You don't want to kill anybody. We shouldn't revert to homicide because there are no other options available because that's not true- there ARE other options available. It's time we started treating these celebrities like communists. Meaning what, you ask? Meaning we take these celebrities by force and relocate them to a secure bunker hundreds of feet below the Earth's surface and never let them out ever again.

Okay. So it sounds bad when I say it that way. That sounds like prison. It won't COMPLETELY be like prison. All our most annoying celebrities would still get the most luxurious of comforts they would enjoy on the Earth's surface. Elegant furniture, big screen TVs, video game consoles, leatherbound books, Russian baths, delicacies from around the world, perhaps a high tech Earth Room that simulates the sound of the ocean or the smell of freshly cut grass. Hell, we'll throw Fergie in for Josh Duhamel's pleasure. We would spare no expense to make these celebrities as comfortable as possible on one condition- they can never appear on television, speak to the press, be photographed or otherwise interact with the outside world as long as they live.

I think that's a good deal. I think it would improve the world tenfold. Tell me, Blake Lively, do you want to save the polar bears? Take one for the team and lock yourself underground for the rest of your life to "reduce your carbon footprint." Even on a more practical and less aesthetic level, America, think of how many jobs will open up when the entire cast of Glee has been compromised. So many! If anything, this containment program will STIMULATE the economy. So celebrities, I urge you to consider a lovely lifelong vacation hundreds of miles away from the rest of us. If not for your fellow man do it for the future of society. I mean- lets be real here- you might as well agree seeing as you can buy chloroform in stores so you don't really have a choice.

Five Surefire Ways To Get Laid Right Now

If I had to bet money, I would say you're probably depressed because you aren't having sex right now. Science: Every ten seconds someone is thinking about boning. But not all of us can be veritable Lotharios- strutting through the streets as women/men fall to our feet in writhing heaps of sexual energy. No, not everyone can be me. That being said, you should have the privilege- NAY the right- to have sex right now. This is America! It is also the 21st century. Feminism has run it's course and now everyone can be sluts! Even you!

5. Spend Money

Well, obviously. Obviously there men and women in this world who will have sex with you for a previously agreed upon sum of money. Haven't you seen that show Secret Diaries of a Call Girl on Showtime? That's how it is! That's a documentary basically. I'm sure that if you pay someone to have sex with you they will not steal your television. No, that would be ridiculous. Why would a prostitute steal from you? UNHEARD OF. Alas! That's not the only way to Get Laid Now. You can spend money on regular people and they'll have sex with you too! I once had a roommate who told me that he felt obligated to sleep with whoever bought him dinner. Not all people subscribe to that particular point of view but let's just say you're more inclined to get busy if you're full of a nice steak dinner. A nice juicy steak with a side of garlic mashed potatoes all drizzled in truffle oil and a nice glass of Merlot... See, already I'm more inclined to have sex with you and I don't even know who you are. People just love money. LOVE. So, no matter your appearance you can have sex if you spend a lot of it. Sometimes double standards are great!

4. Drink Alcohol

You know how you think about sex all the time but you can't have it because you're at work, or getting your eyes dilated or sad, pathetic and lonely? Well, see, when you're doing that you're repressing all your feelings about Having Sex Now. When, you drink you're uninhibited so your feelings are released in a torrent of writhing sexual energy which is sometimes irritating but mostly awesome. So, when leave that nice steak dinner to have a few cocktails at the hotel bar (Maybe you're waiting to meet your prostitute! Hotel bars are key places to drink because everybody is-for the most part- sad or at a wedding or BOTH. Score!) suddenly you're feeling handsy with the hotel waitress and that is OK. It is okay because waking up next to a middle-aged, especially hairy Robin Williams does not define you as a person. No, it does not. Whatever Mary Lou Christian Evangelist says that was one moment in your life and you will be fine. Heck, you may have just had a damn good time with Chaim the Slightly Overweight Hasidic Hotel Owner. Also- bars are full of people just looking to have sex with you. Yeah, I said you! Because it's true! Especially clubs! Those exist for young sweaty men to rub their boner all over you. This is really the best advice I can give you. Drinking an intoxicating substance that literally makes people want to have sex? There's no more surefire way to have sex than with an intoxicated person. Girls, you can just go to a bar and have people BUY you drinks. I went to a (hotel!) bar the other night and yelled "WHO IS BUYING ME A MOTHERFUCKING DRINK?" and someone did! I'll never have sex with that guy but you'll bet your ass I'll stay longer at that (hotel!) bar and meet someone better looking I WOULD have sex with.

PRO TIP: If you are a poor male, you can still buy someone drinks at a bar and I'll tell you how. Go find the douchiest guy in the bar who is throwing around his American Express card like Monopoly money. Introduce yourself with your FULL name, hopefully he will respond in kind. Then just order your drinks off his tab for the rest of the night. He's a douche so he deserves it, right! You're like the Robin Hood of drinking. Stealing from the rich, giving to the poor. And most likely he won't remember you doing this- he'll just think HE drank all those dranks. That's how rich people operate: "Oh, I spent a lot of money. Makes sense. I can do that because I'm a stockbroker and my dick is huge." That being said, if he does find out you defrauded him, you can always run. You always have that.

3. Always Maintain Relationships With One Night Stands

It is a key move to always maintain relationships with one night stands. I don't mean this as a lets text all the time, and meet each other's parents type situation. No, if they are a one night stand- most likely they're pretty but they're dumb. They might pull their dick out of their pants and say "Merry Christmas" because that is the kind of things these people say and do. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. No, No, I mean every once in a while shoot them a text saying "SUP" at 3 AM. There is only one thing "SUP" can mean at that time and that is sex. Sending that text doesn't mean you have to follow through, au contraire my little minxes, it just maintains that PERHAPS you are still down for a booty call at some point in the near future. Even if you don't feel like having sex right that minute, you can still maintain the relationship until you need a sexual object NOW. Like when you're done at the bar, drunk, and the steak dinner didn't go GREAT because you farted really loudly and they heard it and it smelled terrible, then you have a Plan B at 4 AM Tuesday morning. Where you can be drunk and sad and have sex with this person, and conversely sometime in the future they can return the favor. It's beautiful, really. Don't feel bad about this particular person being your Plan B- you're most likely their Plan B too.

PRO TIP: If you're one night stand has no real interest in maintaining a strictly booty call relationship with you can force it on them. No, I'm not saying date rape (though I guess that works if you're into that sort of thing) I'm saying leave your clothes at their house. You have to go and get them one day! Those clothes are YOUR property. So, go get them at 4 AM Tuesday morning and GET. IT. IN.

2. The Internet

The internet has always been a place to get laid while multitasking. I could be checking my email, doing some work, and then write a message on OkCupid. Bam! Done! Flirting WHILE at work! See, OkCupid is a great resource to have sex with people Who Wear Condoms. It's much better than Craig's List- a resource to have sex with people Who Don't Wear Condoms. OkCupid may masquerade that it's a dating site for people who want serious long term relationships. Ha! OkCupid is a dating site for people who advocate getting oral on the first date in a park bathroom. And that is also OK. That's what we all frequent that site for. It's a wonderful service, really, providing mediocre looking people with a steady stream of maybe-sex. If it was my decision I would give the Nobel Prize to OkCupid. I often wonder why that isn't my decision.

1. Invite Your Ex Out For Drinks

Don't look at me that way. You've done it. You know there is only one reason exes go out for drinks- it is because they are sad and want to have sex. They want to lie in the familiar arms of love's past. Then, once it's all over and you've got your fill you can just send them home. It's not like you can hurt them- they'll always irrevocably hate you forever. They may not look like they hate you, and they may not say that they hate you- but they hate you. Even if they're still in love with you, they still hate you. That's how those things work. They'll still have sex with you though because why not? Because you both got tested when you were together and you know they aren't crawling with STDs (hotel bar!) and you know how all their ladybits work and it's easy. It's easy and it's nice and why not? You had sex, didn't you?

None of these were particularly in order. They'll all work if you have the wherewithal to execute them. I know what you're going to say- "Kate, why don't I just form a relationship with a nice young person so I can have sex on the reg?" Well, that's not what this blog post is about. If you want that go read "Five Surefire Ways To Have Sex Maybe In A Couple Weeks" This is about getting laid NOW. IMMEDIATELY. Because some of the youngbloods of the world need that. Some of you have demanding jobs and horrible daddy issues and you need anonymous sex NOW. And that is OK! It is OK! I don't usually have morals in these but here is one- cut yourself some slack because it's all OK.

How To Survive Judement Day This Weekend And Have A Damn Good Time Doing It

MySpace-Countdowns
Something has recently come to my attention and that something is that the world is ending this weekend. Which is... fine. I mean, what can you do- it's judgment day, right? I guess Indiana Jones just closed his eyes when the Ark of the Covenant was opened and he didn't melt into a beeswax skeleton/ascend to the sky in the midst of fire and brimstone. I guess that worked for him. But Indiana Jones is also a fictional character in a movie and this apocalypse is real life. The end of the world coming this weekend is IRL.

I know you guys might be angry about this. I know you might be scared. It's a scary thing to have the world end! People are going to hell. Fire is going to fall from the sky like hail. Earthquakes. Hail probably. Fire AND hail. At the same time. This is fact. It is fact because the Bible says it is fact. The world was created 10,000 years ago, in seven days and people roamed with dinosaurs, bitches. It happened. Get over it, you whiny liberal pussies.

So, the good thing about this whole "world-ending" snafu, is that we know it's coming. We have roughly five days to prepare. So, that's enough time to empty your bank accounts, inoculate yourself with methamphetamine and get your motherfucking affairs in order. Because this shit's going down. You may ask: "how do we do this, Kate!?" Well, you're in luck, because I know exactly what to do.

So, right now we're in the "raining 40 days and 40 nights" period of the end of the world. If you're in New York, you know this well.
COME ON, PEOPLE. HOW CAN YOU NOT THINK THE WORLD IS ENDING? SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THE WORLD ISN'T ENDING AFTER LOOKING AT THAT? SERIOUSLY? I'm sorry, this is embarrassing, my religious indignation at your incredible ignorance has gotten me off topic. My point is, that in order to truly prevail in this apocalypse you gotta take this rain in stride. Yeah, bitches, I mean build an ark.

Arks! They're the one surefire way to survive any apocalypse. Whenever God gets pissed and decides to end the world, the people with the arks always ended up on top! And you KNOW that ark was a good time. You can fill it with tigers and chill with tigers all day. Chilling with tigers! You can also fill it with whiskey which will improve the chilling with tigers tenfold. Especially, if you find yourself in a Sigfried-and-Roy-type tiger snafu in the midst of the apocalypse which, lets face it, you will. If that happens, then you can kill the tiger and eat it. Tiger burgers must be delicious, am I right? Of course I am. My point is, if you find yourself in some coastal region or in the highlands of Israel then you should probably get down to some serious ark building. As for filling your ark with animals, I'm sure any poacher will be happy to assist you. They're always down for some exotic animal capturing. If you can't get the number of a good poacher, just break into a zoo! It's easier than you think!

If you aren't in the Land of Milk And Honey or don't know how to/feel like building an ark- then the next few days should be spent doing the only thing we humans know how to do and know how to do well- party. Party hard. Empty the ol' savings account, cash in your life insurance and go crazy. For example, I would buy a sheet of acid, a 100 feet yacht and rent out an amusement park for two days. When I wasn't blowing lines off Sean Penn's dick (I'm also renting out Sean Penn's dick) on the yacht I procured from Jay-Z, then I will be tripping balls on a rollercoaster. All day everyday. That's just me. That's just my plan. Don't feel like you have to copy me. You can do whatever. Because, it's not like you're going to need your lifelong savings after Saturday. Party hard and party well. If you're building an ark, then party after you're done. Because building a 450 ft. ark from scratch can't take more than a couple of hours tops. I'm sure there's an instructional YouTube video on it somewhere. Plus, by the time the ark builders are starting to party everyone else should be winding down. 'Cuz we have work to do. Also, not everybody can be partying at the same time. That would be chaos, RIGHT?

So, after your binge it's time to pick up some guns. I don't care how you get them- purchase, steal, take a trip to your shed that converts to a sweet gun silo. Whatever, what matters is that you need some guns. And war-paint. And you should just cut off all the sleeves to your shirts now. You won't need those. It's going to be every man for himself to ascend to heaven with Jesus on a magic carpet made of Ciroc. Right? That's how it works? Every man for himself? So, you gotta be prepared for anything. You might also want to get a German Shepard attack dog. Name him Sam. He'll help you smell our heretics/hunt deer/etc. and if it dies then it will be some huge cathartic moment for everyone and you'll definitely ascend to heaven. Angels love that kind of shit.

According to this extremely helpful website, this is what we're dealing with here:

Judgement Day, May 21^st, 2011, this 5-month period of horrible torment will begin for all the inhabitants of the earth. It will be on May 21^st that God will raise up all the dead that have ever died from their graves. Earthquakes will ravage the whole world as the earth will no longer conceal its dead (Isaiah 26:21). People who died as saved individuals will experience the resurrection of their bodies and immediately leave this world to forever be with the Lord. Those who died unsaved will be raised up as well, but only to have their lifeless bodies scattered about the face of all the earth. Death will be everywhere.

So, what we're dealing with is a typical zombie apocalypse. You see, guys! Nothing to worry about! If it was a dinosaur apocalypse I would be telling you to just kill yourselves now because nothing could be as awful as having a velociraptor tear apart your body limb from limb. Nothing could save you then. Thankfully, we're just talking humans here. Not to mention: "all the dead that have ever died from their graves" Ummm, news flash: More people are alive now than have ever died. It's not even a substansial NUMBER of zombies. Also, does this mean Zombie Hitler will rise? How fucking cool would it be to kill Zombie Hitler? REALLY FUCKING COOL, THAT'S HOW COOL. See! Everything is going to be good. Fine. Easy as pie. I mean, you might want to get to China. For some reason, China feels like they will dominate in this apocalypse. But even if you can't get to China, if you do what I say (get lots of drugs and guns and giant wooden arks) you will be absolutely fine. In fact, killing zombies might be pretty fun! Just stay away from fundamental Christians. Like always, they're going to try to harsh your buzz. They're just going to make you as miserable as they are- Judgment Day is no different.

Do you see now? The end of the world isn't the end of the world. You can still survive Judgment Day and have a damn good time doing it! Whether you're sailing into the sunset with Jodie Foster and/or cool tigers or going Rambo all over Zombie Pol Pot, this May 21st could be just the thing to snap you out of that year-long depression you can't seem to shake. So, don't worry guys- everything is going to be fine.

Letter From Dead Kurt Cobain

Hey guys! I found this letter from dead Kurt Cobain in a heroin induced ramble in the woods last night! Check it out!

Dear World,

Kurt Cobain here. So, now that I am walking amongst the dead, I have had lots of time on my hands to watch the world change. Lots of time. And I have come to the conclusion that shooting myself in the head with a shotgun in 1994 was the best decision I could have possibly made. You fucking guys. Where do I start? I'll try my best to narrow it down to the crux of the issue. The real core of why the world has turned into such a shitstained asshole.

1. I just read that Jared Leto put a video on the internet where he plays acoustic guitar dressed up like me. The fucking internet. Who's idea was it to provide an inexhaustible outlet for douchebags like Jared Leto to post whatever the fuck "art" he wants? Who's idea was that? Seriously. Because that person should be dragged into the street and shot. He should be dragged into the street, shot and his dead corpse should be fucked by fourteen guys named Chad. Do you think I care what some thirteen year-old rich, white girl has to say about the Mercedes Benz she got for her Bat Mitzvah? No. I can honestly say I don't give a shit about that. You guys, however, have that shit thrown in your face all the time. I would pity you if it wasn't your fucking fault anyway for creating YouTube.

2. Kings of Leon. I would say roughly 12% of the reason I killed myself was because of the Counting Crows. But even Adam Duritz can't top the banality of evil that has been perpetrated on the world by Kings of Leon. I just don't understand how society let this band exist. If I came back to life my first order of business would probably be to murder all four members of Kings of Leon. The only hitch with that plan is that if I killed all four members of Kings of Leon they would most-likely become martyrological figures and probably get some statue in the White House. If there is one thing we can't have, it's a Kings of Leon cult following for decades to come. I never want to hear "Kings of Leon, man, fuckin' tragedy." Never do I want to hear that. Not just Kings of Leon but the general state of music these days is atrotious. I can forgive what Green Day has done because I too know what it is like to be seduced by the mistress that is fame and fortune. I too know the perils of being on the cover of Rolling Stone. However, I can not and will not ever forgive Kings of Leon for what they did to music. They should be sent to the Hague and immediately tried for crimes against humanity. After that we'll hold trials for Nickelback, Mumford & Sons, Papa Roach and Fred Durst.

P.S. Can somebody tell me what exactly makes LCD Soundsystem at all interesting?

3. Gus Van Sant, you think you're really fucking cool don't you? You think you understand the state of the world. Pan in slow on a heroin needle dripping with the blood of infants because it shows the nature of hypocracy in the big business world of police corruption. Go fuck yourself, Gus Van Sant. Every single one of his movies has the same goddamn plot. It's like a mad-libs filled in with shitty social commentary. When (enter downtrodden protagonist here) goes to (enter corrupted union here) he begins a (enter grassroots revolution here) and falls in love with (enter controversial love interest here) and when his efforts are thwarted by (drugs/big business antagonist/abusive father) he thinks he meets his downfall (enter twist/stupid ending here/pretentious artistic longshot here). When does it stop? When does this vicious circle get a knife in the cranium? When will the time come where people stop giving this guy money and start giving him punches in the face? First he makes that terrible Psycho remake that basically raped Alfred Hitchcock's eyesocket, then the egregious asshole has the audacity to make a movie about me. You don't know anything about my life, Gus Van Sant. How dare you reduce a human's life into a piece of shit like Last Days.Tell me, what is it you have against me that makes you want to make such a shitty movie about me? What did I ever do to you? Did I fuck your mom? Did I kill your dog? What is it that I did that offended you so much that you had to make that movie? Go back to painting pictures of sidewalks and writing poetry about pigeons slowly dying and leave us all alone. If I could, for a moment, appeal to the masses here: somebody take a dump on Gus Van Sant's chest. Somebody go out, eat four entrees from PF Changs and just let loose all over Gus Van Sant. Please. For the love of God.

Think about what I've said, 2011. These are hard times you live in. Do something about it. Change the world. Basically what I'm saying is get a drug addiction.

Sincerely,
Kurt

P.S. Dave Grohl. Dude. Dude.

An Analytical Reading of "Shots" by LMFAO

"Shots" by LMFAO have been harolded by some as the song that defines our time. Just look at the YouTube comment section. That being said, I think it is important that my highly esteemed blog explore the finer points of this song. What does it really mean? Where do the authors come from? How do they weave in use of metaphor in "Shots"? So, without further ado, in part two of our analysis of contemporary music feature, lets look at LMFAO's smash hit.

The theatrical introduction to this video is important. It starts out at a Holiday Inn swimming pool in a suburb of Napals, Florida called Bonita Springs, and everyone is so bored! Boy, are they bored. Putting on sunscreen? That's for poor people! Thankfully, though, Lil Jon is here and so are 500 other people and this is what they all have to say:

"If you're not drunk ladies and gentleman, get ready to get fucked up. Let's do it! Haha!"

I don't know if the Holiday Inn swimming pool is the right venue for this. Wouldn't it be more entertaining if Lil Jon came into your office break room and said this? He pushes over Sid the elderly receptionist and says "If you're not drunk ladies and gentleman, get ready to get fucked up. Let's do it! Haha!" Your boss just looks up from her Indian take-out from the place with the really great lunch special downstairs and stares at him? While four contract developers are standing around the TV watching CNN saying to each other "Oh wow, Elizabeth Taylor is dead, wow, end of an era." and nodding? Wouldn't it be great then if Lil Jon had entreated us to get fucked up? Half of those people in the parking lot of the Motel 6 were totally happy reading Dan Brown and tanning? They don't want to get as fucked up as, say, the guy in your mail room at 9:15 AM on a Monday.

Next, LMFAO come out and say something because they're famous, I guess? Who are these people? These are real people? Next these two insecure rich suburban white kids DJs regale us with tales about how they go to clubs and are cool and then also this:

"I'm with the party rock crew,all drinks are free.We like ciroc.We love patron.We came to party rock.Everybody it's on"

Hm. Well. Ok. You're cool, I guess. Cool people get free drinks at clubs. However, this is a song that was written for the express reason of encouraging consumption of alcohol by the masses. When watching the music video you notice that when LMFAO enters so does about 500 people. So, that must mean that the "Party Rock Crew" consists of roughly 500 people. I'm just wondering what kind of business model it is for this drinking establishment to offer up comped drinks for 500 people just because LMFAO says so. I mean it's one thing to give Lindsay Lohan free drinks because it'll be in the tabloids she was at your club the next day, but these guys? These guys? I doubt I will read in TMZ tomorrow: "LMFAO played a 'secret show' at a Bennigans in a Houston, TX strip mall last night! Everybody got free drinks! Also related: Bennigans goes out of business."

"The ladies love us, When we pour shots // They need an excuse, to suck our cocks."

Obviously, yes, this is the case. The only way for any lady to suck Lil Jon's dick is to get so drunk she forgets that Lil Jon submerges his dick in a vat of Syphilis every morning.

"If you ain't getting drunk get the fuck out the club. If you ain't taking shots get the fuck out the club. If you ain't come to party get the fuck out the club. Now where my alcoholics let me see yo hands up."

What kind of person would actually want to stick around in a club when they're not drunk? Have you ever been to a club? It costs money to get in and then when you actually are in, it's impossible to hear anybody and impossible to move around. You have to watch douchebags rub their cock all over everything and everyone. Also, every surface of the club has this unidentified layer of stickiness (probably where DJ Pauly D came in his pants and attempted to clean himself off with a seat cushion). Not to mention, a good night is $10 dollar margarita night. Basically, you should be happy I'm at this fucking club anyway, Lil Jon. Any other host would be gracious, but no, what Lil Jon is saying is that if I don't drink this $10 dollar shot of Patron that I can't stay at the club. First off: You're a dick, Lil Jon. Second off: Do I have to drink shots to stay in the club? Could I, say, drink a nice White Wine Spritzer? Is that allowed at Le Clubbe HPV?

"The women come around every time I'm pouring shots. Their panties hit the ground every time I give ‘em shots. So cups in the air everybody let's take shots."

The inspiration that DJ My Semen Smells Like Roses, Bitch and DJ I Fucked My Cousin Last Weekend And Now I Feel Weird had for coming up with this line is the time their older sisters had a sleepover. They were fourteen and just hit puberty. One of them had scored some GHB and they swore they were going to lose their virginity that night. So, they stood tall and proud and waited until their sister's hot friend Samantha went to the bathroom and they sprinkled something into her Ginger Ale. Two hours later the pair of them stood over her, naked and deciding who went first. They were both so nervous! This was their first time. But at least they were together. They looked up at each other anxiously until one finally whispered to the other "Maybe, we should, like, touch each other's dicks for a little bit?" His friend looked at him, bit his lip and said: "Isn't that gay?" "No! No! No! It's just for practice, y'know. We don't want Samantha to think we're inexperienced." His friend nodded and gulped and pulled his pants down. Okay, this was fine. They touched each other's dicks tenderly and then they kissed, just a little! Just to see how it felt! Turns out it felt great. Samantha was all but forgotten.

"If you feelin' drunk put your hands in the air,and if you tryin' to fuck put your hands in the air."

Oh, LMFAO, you masters of observation. Who would have thought that club-goers want to drink alcohol and have anonymous sex with strangers? Wow! I've never thought of that before. I bet LMFAO contacted some impartial poll-taking group to gather evidence on this. How many patrons of said club are drunk and want to fuck: 92.76% with a 3 point margin of error. (Thanks, Gallop Polls! Once again, you tell me how to think! My panties are so on the ground and my hands are in the air!)

I think it's really important to understand LMFAO, y'know? Not many people understand just how our culture works today. You're welcome.