Russia: Go Back to Being Communist Already

Russia, I think the time has finally come. It's not like you don't want to. We all have seen the polls- a majority of Russians just want to go back to the time when Brehznev was the leader of Russia and everyone basically chilled all day. There was a cradle to grave welfare state, nobody really had to go to work. Pretty much, everybody sat around and hung out and collected paychecks from the state. Yeah, you couldn't really criticize the government or they'd send you and your entire family to Siberia. But who even wanted to criticize the government? Everyone was just chilling all the time! Hell, even Brezhnev fell asleep during his own speeches. Everything was far from well, but at least everything wasn't on fire.

You wanna know how things are now?

Yep. Everything is on fire. Temperatures in Southern Russia reached 104 this weekend. I don't understand why this is such a big deal because this is the five-day forecast in my native Dallas, Texas:


But apparently in Russia this freak weather along with the toxic combination of trees, forests and grass ends in everything being on fire. Emergency officials, though, also would like to point out to Russians that it is also mostly their fault for these devastating fires that make Russia a literal hell on Earth:

"Emergency officials say the heat and drought are the main causes of the fires, but they also blame human carelessness, and urged people to use extreme caution when walking or driving in the woods or countryside." - BBC

If you don't believe me when I say that everything is on fire then you should probably watch this video of two Russian men driving through the countryside to have a leisurely picnic:



Yeah, that's some shit right there. You'll notice the complete LACK of emergency aid. Like policemen who might be telling motorists to maybe not drive into the fiery inferno or any sort of paramedics who might be making sure people aren't dying or something? Where are those people? Is that too much to ask for when your country is on fire?

Anyway, this has nothing to do with the title of this blog which is an urge to the Russian government to just go back to being communist already.

In the past few weeks I have been reading articles about the corruption in the police force. A whistleblower policemen posted a video on youtube (I don't understand this influx of Russian YouTube videos. I guess Russia just found out what YouTube is.) about how basically every policeman accepted bribes and if you didn't you couldn't support yourself. On top of that, at the end of the day you even had to kick some of your bribe money over to a higher official. Okay. When your police force is running like the Soprano family it may be time to make some changes. After this upstanding citizen posted this video he was promptly fired and then incarcerated for six weeks.

My point is, Russia, if you're going to act like you're Communist, you may as well be Communist. Ever since 1990 when Communism collapsed the country has been in constant economic crises. Either you try to privitze way too quickly (You can't just go "I guess we'll be capitalist today" and be Capitalist. Although this isn't really Russia's fault, they listened to a bunch of stupid American economists who said this was the best idea and then when it turned out to be a disaster just kind of peaced out back to cozy Washington.) and basically everyone loses their jobs except for like six really, really rich dudes. Or you stop updating every single one of your factories because there isn't enough money. Or you elected a drunken lunatic as your president, who when threatened with absolutely anything just surrounds the Kremlin with tanks.

I keep saying "you, you, you" but I'm not blaming the Russian people for this. This is just how things happen, the luck of the draw, if you will. Russia has just had some bad luck, and also a bunch of idiots who perpetuate that bad luck with their stupid ideas.

So, perhaps Russia should go back to being Communist already. Yes, everyone Stalin is evil. Some leaders are just evil and it sucks. Nobody wants another Stalin in Russia. Or maybe there needs to be less alcoholism and corruption. I don't know- I'm no political strategist. But maybe something else, somebody else, that might be able to save this on-fire ramshackle corrupt country, is available, and it certainly isn't Putin.

I mean, if Russia was Communist again... Well, if they were Communist again I probably wouldn't be reading this post because nobody would have any idea this is even going on.

If you don't care about any of this, which you very well may not because none of the people reading this blog actually live in Russia, check out Mededev's twitter where he sometimes talks about the fire fighting effort but mostly just talks about how "Streetball is a fast-moving and exciting game." Russian Kremlin Twitter

What's With Bums Calling Themselves Hobos?

It's not right. Throughout my life I have been confronted with people- usually on the old-ish side of young- who proudly refer to themselves as hobos. They're not. They would know that if they had access to Wikipedia. Or cared to access Wikipedia to find out exactly what the hell they were talking about. I'm going to first demonstrate my point with two pictures.



These are hobos.

























This is a bum.






What is the difference, you ask? They both have tattered clothing and hats. They both are broke. But there is a big difference between what is going on in these two pictures. "Hobo" is a slang term invented in the late part of the 19th century to describe often penniless migrant workers. Traveling men who went where the work was. Men who had no prospects at home so they had to travel to sustain themselves. I guess, the most important things about hobos is that they work.

Bums do not.

Bums sit around thinking of clever things to put on cardboard signs so people will give them money they are to later spend on a 40. Not that 40s are wrong. They aren't. Hobos certainly drink 40s. They just do hours of manual labor to enjoy that 40- whether it be on a street or on a train car. Bums do nothing of the kind. Bums may ride train cars but they have absolutely no ambition to get a job. I hate to say "mooching on society" because it makes me feel like Glenn Beck. It's just- well- bums get to lay around all day. Once again, not that laying around all day is wrong. It's not.

It's just that when bums lie around all day they form wildly implausible theories about how the government controls our lives, or that 9/11 is an inside job or that the Cold War is still going on. These theories are catastrophic to society because they make the real paranoid-personalities flip their shit. This is what bums do. They make people flip their shit. Whether it be the men and women they take advantage of or the conservatives who hate them just because they are bums. And that's true, it's bums who make conservatives veto every welfare bill. Because conservatives think all hobos are bums. Which they aren't. At all. So poverty continues to grow and unemployment ravages the country because these two different kind of people are mixed up.


Recently, at a party, I found myself talking to a young man. I asked said young man what he did and he said "I'm a hobo!" I nodded and then asked what he did all day and he said "Party." I asked if that was all and he confirmed that that was all. This man is not a hobo, and after that exchange I felt it imperative to write this blog entry.

How Elin Nordegren Ruined Golf

Not that there was much to ruin. Golf may be the worst possible idea for a sport. Let me tell you a little bit about golf. It's precise origin is unclear- probably because whoever invented it was either a.) viciously murdered by an irate mob or b.) doesn't want anybody to know that he invented golf because of the chance he might be viciously murdered by an irate mob. The sport was invented by the Romans, everyone thinks, so I'm sure it was much cooler then seeing as it probably involved severed heads and lions. However, now golf is mostly played by wealthy, middle aged white folk. You want to know why? BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AT ALL IN SHAPE TO PLAY GOLF. So, most of the golf playing in the world is reserved to the wealthy in exotic locales like Maui or Arlington, TX.

And on top of all that, people still somehow expect us to care about this sport. To watch it on TV. They expect us to indulge these rich white men. There is an entire channel dedicated to golf. A whole golf culture. And then, when we do dedicate a bit of our time to watching golf- they don't even let us drink ourselves into oblivion, yell and fight people. What kind of sport is that? I'll tell you what kind of sport. An un-American one.

And then- out of nowhere - golf got a Michael Jordan. A dude who truly dominated golf. Who gave all these rich white folk a run for their money. Tiger Woods dominated golf when he was four years old. Apparently at age three he shot a 48 over nine holes. I have no idea what that means but it has to be good if it's included in his wikipedia article. You know what I was doing at age three? I don't remember but certainly not playing golf against Bob Barker. So here is this child prodigy royally kicking all these old white dude's asses when he's pretty much still in diapers. And he's black too. Not only black but Chinese and Native American too. Holy shit! Finally! It's about fucking time, am I right? Black dude going around in a white man's sport winning championships, getting sweet endorsements, making money, kicking ass, being awesome. Then he gets married to a hot Swede, which is good because she probably doesn't know English and can leave Tiger to his own devises. Right? Right?
Wrong.
Not too long ago it became clear in the newspapers and whatnot that Tiger Woods has a lot of sex with a lot of different people that aren't his wife. And somehow this was a shock to people. Because it's sooooooooooooooooooooooooo weird when good looking, rich, athletes sleep with a lot of different women. That totally, like, never happens and it's so totally, like, wrong. So now everyone is dropping his endorsement deals, and printing articles about how much of an asshole he is, his wife is going to leave him and take all his money, stupid bitches posted his sex text messages which while being wildly entertaining is still pretty low. And now, because everybody is giving him so much shit all the time- he can't play golf as well as he used to.

You know who's fault this is? Elin Nordegren. Famous athletes have a lot of sex with everybody. It's always been that way since the beginning of time. Take Magic Johnson, he was awesome at basketball and he also had sex with everybody. I mean, that one kind of bit him in the ass but still- he was awesome. My point is, Elin Nordegren is walking around on the cover of Us Weekly being all "Poor me, my husband cheated on me! How will I live? He's so cruel. Boo Hoo." She's married to a young athelete, who is also rich and famous, of course he was going to cheat! And she probably knew he was. When Elin Nordegren met Tiger Woods, she was working in a clothing store. Now she has everything she could possibly want! Fancy vacations, multiple houses, everything! How can I feel bad for that woman? I can't. The trade off for being a golddigger and having everything is that you tolerate infidelity. It's a fact of life. Elin Nordegren needs to watch more Mad Men. But no. Now, she's leaving him, getting a talk show (does she even know English?? Even if she does what does she possibly have to say?) and a shit-ton of endorsements. Tiger Woods sucks at golf and therefore- nobody gives a shit anymore.

The PGA is shitting it's pants I bet.

I know this is six months too late but it needs to be said. Tiger, don't let one Swedish woman bring you down. Yeah, she's the mother of your kids, but there are other fish in the sea. Go back to fucking whoever you want, go back to the world of golden showers. We all have our flaws. If yours makes you good at sports, so be it. Dive into the sea of titties that awaits you. And win more championships. Remember, Tiger, you're a god.

New Development: M.I.A is Actually an Idiot

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

So, Apparently It's Wrong To Sexually Harass Someone?

I found out today that it's actually wrong to sexually harass someone in the workplace. It's completely fine everywhere else though. NYU is making me take a course on it (DON'T ASK WHY) so I figured since this is invaluable and little known information- I'd give you guys a heads up.

NYU says that harassment laws aren't designed to eliminate all jokes or fun from the workplace. Suzie asks "How do you know if your joke has crossed over into offensive and potentially harassing behavior?
Good question, Suzie! You know your joke has crossed over into offensive and potentially harassing behavior when this woman makes this face:


Things you can't do in offices: Hug Beth. Beth is a huge bitch though, so I don't know why anybody would want to hug her in the first place:

Seriously, Beth, get over yourself. You weren't even invited to the office party anyway- or at least nobody wanted you to go. Remember the last one where you had one too many jello shots and consequently took all your clothes off and started dancing on Phil's desk. That's not sexual harassment and this is? Guess what, Beth? NOBODY WANTS TO FUCK YOU.


As you see here, Paul is reporting his co-worker Jason for calling Eduardo a "stupid Mexican." At least that's what Eduardo says, also later, when Paul was running late for a meeting Jason accused him of being on "Mexican time." To this comment, Eduardo said to Jason "That's funny coming from a money shoveling Jew boy." So in the end, Eduardo and Jason are even.

Now, that you've learned a little about sexual harassment here's a few questions:

The answer is, well this is a trick question. While this is seemingly considered as harassment, there is no indication this isn't scientific fact. Perhaps, if next to this notice on the refrigerator there was a snippet of a scientific journal supporting (or debunking) these assertions then it could be appropriate.



This is a tricky one, obviously Joe has to look at pornography at least three times a day if he wants to avoid serious medical condition called "blue balls." I mean, Beth has offered multiple times to suck Joe off in the break room to avoid this condition (Beth is a registered nurse kicked off her last job for sexual harassment) but Joe and- I'm sure you do too, I do- agree Beth is gross. So, the answer is that Joe is not harming anybody by looking at pornography as long as he's locked in his own office by himself. How can it harm you if you don't know it's happening?

Okay, guys, final exam time!!!!:


I know what I'd do, but I'll leave this one up to you.


Congratulations, now you know what not to do in the workplace. It's probably best if you all quit your jobs and start panhandling on the street, where all of this conduct is allowed!

Flavored Vodka. Going Too Far?

I've drank flavored vodka before. Don't get me wrong. When I was seventeen years old and was rejected by any member of the opposite sex I could count on a bottle of Green Apple Smirnoff to listen to my problems, understand and really make me feel better. I remember the days of having Missy's blind mom buy us vodka of all flavors. Green Apple, Strawberry, every flavor under the rainbow. I remember the days of proudly emptying half of that Gatorade bottle to pour in a quart of flavored vodka and then going to Government Class. That happened. It happened to everyone.

However, that was high school. Now, it's not okay. If you're not breaking up with your boyfriend because he's a.) Going to the Army, b.) Dropping out of High School or c.) In Love with your Best Friend then you can get away with it. Any other reason you're going to have to drink regular vodka (or alcohol that isn't vodka, this isn't Russia under Yeltsin, folk). However, nobody seems to understand that fact. Maybe it's the Sex in the City movies with their insufferable flavored cocktails or maybe it's just that people have Peter Pan syndrome and refuse to be a part of this evermoving cog we call society. That being said, I felt it imperative to comment on this flavored vodka fiasco.

As someone who lives in New York and regularly rides the subway I've seen several advertisements for Brooklyn Vodka brought to you by a collaboration between Spike Lee and Absolut. Brooklyn Vodka? Last I heard Brooklyn was a place, not a flavor. What will this vodka taste like? The L Train never working? Hipster Noise Shows? The Hasids in Crown Heights? The sweat and tears of Russian immigrants? I'm not sure I want to taste any of those things. Also, Spike Lee made this possible? Is this just because Spike Lee made Do The Right Thing? Does Spike Lee, sit with an appletini in hand and ask himself "If Brooklyn was a vodka what would it taste like?" Was this a passion project for him? Well, I did the research. Brooklyn Vodka tastes like Red Apple tinged with Ginger and according to Absolut "evokes the spice and vibrancy Brooklyn brings to the Big Apple." and gives a hearty nod to Brooklyn with a stoop painted on the bottle. It got one thing right, people definitely day drink in Brooklyn on stoops. But isn't that OE, not vodka? All I know, in the end, is that congratulations world you have yet another flavor of apple vodka to cry over when you fail that six weeks of Algebra 2.

NO: A Haiku

meteor hits earth
hipster pacing in hallway
will sonic youth save you??